Barnabas - the lost diary

2012-01-18T12:59:00.000-06:00

GETTING OUR GROOVE BACK

It's been about three months since our journey started and one thing I learned is you need a routine still.

With all the travelling and the 'mini-projects' that took place both Michele and I got thrown off on a routine. The daily groove to focus, reflect and contemplate is so important. We're are very blessed at this time to breathe and not react to life. But one still must be intentional about things. We don't want to be willy-nilly about things and just cruise - there's a definitive goal of why we're out here.

So, once again, we'll be settling down to buy mornings for 'couple time' - talking, hiking, praying, walking. That's our RE-CONNECT time.

Some of our friends have been asking about the blog, and we've been so busy to stop and write, but now we're getting back into it.

Landing

2012-01-05T11:57:00.002-06:00

It has been a crazy whirl wind of jetting, driving and hopping all around the United States.

• Completed a refresh of my mom's house
• Visited some good friends in Texas
• Finally settled in San Luis Obispo with the goal of learning some coding

I was struck with the realization that all this travel took away from the structure of developing our relationship between Michele and I. We have started the REFRESH, REVIVE and REINVENT but we're not hitting our strides for RE-VIVE.

As the husband I've been guilty of operating outside my role in this whirlwind. I tend to operate well on the 'on-the-fly' moment, but I've lose some structure. To 're-group' we've been reading a book called LOVE AND RESPECT and that means carving out time for Michele.

The REINVENT aspect of this trip is hitting some touchy points - especially with the real prospect we might not have kids of our own. Five miscarriages makes me gun-shy, but I was reminded very well by a friend, "NEVER SAY NEVER"...just keep the door opened.

15x10

2011-10-28T16:58:00.001-06:00

"15x10"

That's the amount of stuff we own that will fit into a storage facility. A nice leather couch, bookshelf, console, Target dining set, and a super-duper Tempurpedic bed. We're not pack rats, but that's the amount of stuff we own.

That's why this journey that Michele and I are about to undertake is possible. We try to live simply, frugally and generously upon others.

No job, bad economy? Check.

Lots of time to reconnect, revive and reinvent? Check.

This was a journey that was in the making for several years. We talked of moving, but every time we got pregnant it was like a stop sign. Then came the losses and deaths. Death of my father and the miscarriages. It was like living a broken record. Same results year after year.

That wears on you. It worn us like a pair of shoes ready to be tossed. I read one writer who said life has a tendency to wear you down without you realizing it. Before you know it you're different. You lost something. You changed. Most of the time it's not for the better. For some people they wake up finding a marriage that slowly withered, for others they are left asking what was my life about?

I wasn't going to let that happen to Michele or I. We needed to do something radical. The last three years doesn't have to define us for the rest of our lives.

We need to deal with it, process it, grieve, but we needed a 'reboot'.

That's why this 15x10 space is propelling us to take a journey across America with the goal of RECONNECTING, REVIVING and REINVENTING.

Is it bold? Yes. Is it scary? Yes. But if you stay the same and while life is in motion you'll find yourself only staring at 15x10 worth of goods that will eventually disappear.

Your heart, your faith, who you are and what your marriage is about matters more and to do something radical to REVIVE it is something every husband, and wife must choose everyday.

Your life doesn't consist of a 15x10 space. Jesus said what shall a man profit if he gains the whole world, yet loses his own soul?

Asher, Josiah, Abigail and Grace

2011-09-27T17:00:00.003-06:00

What do I think? I don't know. There's a part of me that can't grieve.

I've managed my whole life to bottle up, now I'm at the point that I must face my emotions.

The last one was difficult: we lost another baby girl. For some reason that just hurts a lot. Losing a little girl...just makes it so difficult. This baby girl was going to be named Grace. And that's the irony of the name, 'Grace'. Lost her about a month ago.

It's even difficult just writing about this. I don't know why. Maybe because it hurts so much. I know there's a part of me that wants to cry for hours. There's no book on this type of stuff. Your smartphone has a manual. Your car has a manual. You even get a manual for your kitchen items as to how to wash it and care for it. No one has a manual for losing kids. Five kids. One father all in the span of three years.

And it's taken this long for me to realize that I just need to cry. I know if I don't I will never be whole. I know I'm a knot of emotion because I saw an ESPN documentary about a little girl, cute as a button dying and befriended a college star WR. I watched the documentary alone, with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't stop the tears.

I know at least I'm normal; my grief counselor said, "Look, losing five babies and your father in about two years...cut yourself some slack. It's difficult." That was very helpful, because I didn't know what I should be doing, feeling, or thinking. Now it's good to know that you must cry, you must ache and then you will heal.

Been awhile

2011-08-17T17:23:00.003-06:00

Ok, today five years ago, I asked Michele to marry me.

I've also noticed it's been awhile since I posted.

Asking Michele to marry me was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Over the last five years, Michele has been pure gold with life's ups and downs.

READ the story of engagement:
http://gordonbts.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_archive.html

4th of July

2011-07-05T12:56:00.002-06:00

I admit it.

I've lost some joy. I use to be more jovial, more fun. I'm less. The last three years has tempered my heart, my personality.

This past 4th of July, on the anniversary of our 3rd child lost, my emotions were acute. I almost broke down kissing my niece goodbye. Spending time with my nephew stirred what it would be like as a father with a son.

Michele broken down. She cried alone in our room, and I would come by and kiss her. I don't like seeing her like that. No one around us remembered.

The loss of four miscarriages has begun to blur the days of the year. There are more anniversaries of losses than celebrations. In life, you will reach a point where you feel like life is going backwards.

it is heavy

2011-06-16T13:04:00.002-06:00

Yesterday night, I watched the precious tears of my wife stream down her face.

My heart broke. This grief still clings to us. There's no words of comfort that soothes our soul.
Heartbroken is what best describes me presently.

There are good days and bad days. Neither Michele nor I are very much focused, motivated or excited about anything.

I think heartbroken is in the place of sadness where you just drop to your knees and you experience a dream, or the essence of joy melt through your fingers.

It's like a master potter working on this artwork - it's an intimate experience of skill, love, and joy in the marriage of your hands only to have a surreal moment where the pottery suddenly becomes liquid before your eyes. Then the pottery melts into a mist. You feel it slip through your hands with a mixture of emotions ranging from disbelief, bewilderment and sorrow.

Granted I know my experience is not unique, I know many suffer more, but it's madness to rate a person's grief. I'm loving Michele, I have goals, but there's a cloud over me. I thank the Lord for what we have, but my heart is empty. Yet, I know deep in the recess of my soul my eyes must look up - for I know the experience of grief can blur vision, and dampen the heart.

I think the deep question is: where do you find joy in your sorrow?

A realizing of grief and dereliction

2011-06-08T10:31:00.002-06:00

Psalm 39

12“Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; hold not your peace at my tears! For I am a sojourner with you, a guest, like all my fathers.

13 Look away from me, that I may smile again, before I depart and am no more!”

Grief for the new believer is one of crossing the border of sanity and insanity, the territory of belief and unbelief, doubt and assurance - this nebulous state of our heart is the revelation that we do not know God's heart.

David's prayers were at times wild - going from defeat to praise. Going from despair to triumph. The prayers were not drummed up religious high affluent prose that theologians should take apart - the prayers were conversation of an honest heart that struggle immensely at times. (David almost slaughter Nabal's entire house after an offense - this was a man who would be the King of Israel and struggled and lost his way until Abigail shook him out of his stupor with words like 'slingshot' that awaken him to that God still had a plan for him. 1 Samuel).

Tim Keller, opened my eyes to the heart of God: he wants real prayers - the place of grief is going before God - investing your tears. It means going to God with your deepest pain, anger, hurt and telling God like it is. Grief is indicative of spiritual depth of a person's relationship with God. For the religious man he stuff the emotions down fearing perceived weakness by others and for the world they swim, and sit on the grief allowing it to consume and twist them.

For the child of God, it's the same as having the worse day: you go to your parents with everything in your heart. You cite the anger, frustration, the hurt. Imagine a child beaten at school and comes home. What parent wants their child to 'suck it up' and pretend nothing was wrong? If a parent heard that they would cradle the child, dry the tears, and listen, comfort.

Why would our God be any different? He's different because I fail to understand his nature and his heart. I can just shake my fist, rant, rage, cry, and ultimately find His comfort and peace. I have fail to realize the heart of the father...Psalm 56:8 "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll...".

The religious community finds acts of grief entailing unbelief, anger, rage, despair as weakness or even blasphemous (as if God is shocked to hear that from a pained heart or surprised). A little child's heart in grief is always true, without guile and without any narcissist perception of the importance of self. A child will just scream, grieve, throw tantrums, but they are at least one thing more than us: honest. Did not Jesus said the little children have more insight into the kingdom of heaven than I?

In my mind I think of God sitting on his throne listening to my grief like a judge, whereas in truth he listens like a father holding us like a child.

So I will freely now more into grief knowing God will ultimately hold Michele and I in his arms.

Glory

2011-06-05T09:53:00.002-06:00

Michele and my faith is one of the most important hallmarks of our lives.

Faith, love and hope. These are three things you cannot live without in life.

In our loss, we deeply struggling with the purpose of our loss. Losing a baby on vacation sounds like the bad timing of a joke. It couldn't be worse.

Michele said, "Love of any significance costs something." She explained in essence of us to maintain our integrity despite our sorrow, pain and agony and still cling to God is precious because it comes at such a cost. The world, it would appear we've been cheated in a random act of cruelty. For us, the reality of heaven is not lost upon us: our children are in heaven.

If one wishes to exist in faith of a world without heaven and where innocent children die without cause that's fine for them, but for my wife and I it goes against the fiber of our being.

So, our children are in a better place, but we must deal with the loss. In dealing with the loss for us to carry pain, sorrow and faith it becomes precious to God because it costs something.

If Bill Gates gave $100 dollars to a poor child, people might applaud the generous act, but a billionaire giving that means it cost very little.

It's the principle of the Kingdom of heaven: the power of the widow's mite. Something precious, glorious comes with a great cost. Always.

A person without money giving the only dollar they have is precious.
A man keeping himself pure unti the day of marriage is a gift.
Love demonstrated with a life surrender to save another.

...seeing joy dashed

2011-06-02T11:17:00.003-06:00

We thought were we were adopting. Then a surprise pregnancy - everything was going so well. I was excited, stoke and had the expectation of an Olympic runner wanting gold. You go through all the pain, the travail and you can taste the finish line.

I was going to be a dad!

Then life pulls the rug right under you. I had to throw my hands on this one. This one doesn't make sense. Why bring us through this experience because it's a wound opened up with salt poured into it. I don't like seeing my wife go through this. She has endured so much and suffered nobly. Michele never complained and never was bittered. She always surrender her heart to God saying, "For your glory." A quiet resilent faith like her grandmother Genevive.

Does it make sense? No. I've been wrestling with the sovereignty of God on this one and hit the books on the topic of suffering, faith, grieft and trials. I can bounce verses against the wall on this one, but this one I'm just exhausted and tired.

My wife and I said, "We love you God, but we don't understand what you're doing."

It's easy to get sarcastic - one child lost for every year of our marriage. Since 2009 we've seen a death at least once, or twice. Next to my father's this one is even more difficult because this was an expectation of hope.

Also, I've found truly that a miscarriage is the death of a child. It's just as painful.

The only thing I know is this marriage has to be stronger. Trials can tear people apart. We are determined to grief together. Marriage is not my grief alone, it's OUR grief, OUR burden.

...a poem

2011-06-02T11:08:00.000-06:00

Does anyone know what tomorrow might be
Anyone one else or just mommy and me

Does anyone know how great today would have been
If you had come now instead of then

It seems people forget to them its just another day
but me and mommy can't think of it that way

Our hearts ache and we can't stop the tears
We keep on wishing that you were still here

...the terrible loss

2011-05-28T15:40:00.002-06:00

Never do you expect it - a death on vacation.

After my cousin's wedding - Michele and I went from a high to a tremendous low as we had an emergency. My sister and I had to rush Michele into emergency and we were shocked to find out we lost had a fourth miscarriage.

This one was more visceral and more difficult. I saw our baby.

I went into shock over the whole thing. Every emotion coursed through my heart: anger, sadness, grief, bewilderment, shock, bitterness, thankfulness (for the help), despair...

I admit, it's going to take a lot for me to get over this. Nothing prepared Michele and I for this. The pregnancy was going well. Not doctor, or clue indicated otherwise. Then this happens on vacation. I felt like Job. Having everything stripped away only to never see the ending of this past two years.

This miscarriage was even more difficult considering there's no conclusion. There's not burial, no ceremony...it's a nebulous, unmarked territory you have to deal with. Frankly, I don't want to hear, "...my aunt went through twelve miscarriage and you'll come out." How many losses makes one less painful than others.

Honestly, I think I'll snap if I hear some careless effort of comfort. It's literally like losing your own child...without burying them.

I sobbed driving. I cry at a drop of a hat. This one is extremely difficult.

Til death do us part

2010-12-04T13:40:00.002-06:00

2010.

My father died. We had two miscarriages.
We got into an accident with a hit and run driver, helping support friends who gone through cancer, job loss, welfare, divorce...

The list is long.

I've watched my wife go through her very difficult moments with our miscarriages. We spent two years trying and we've just said with deep sigh: if we get pregnant it'll be a miracle. We joked about how Michele might get pregnant after our ectopic pregnancy with one fallopian tube. It didn't happen.

This is one year where every month either my wife or I were crying.

Yet through it all, during one poignant moment when my wife was grieving I whispered holding her, "I'd do it all over again to walk this journey with you." Through the pain, the tears, the exhaustion, the grief and the sorrows - I'd still be by her side.

That's love - a commitment to stand with someone when the joy of is gone. Anyone will stand with you in the sunshine, but when the bitter cold winds and rain comes in a dark grey cloud you find out who you really are.

I remember my vow - and I gladly take it again for my wife. She's been there for me through this sorrowful year. She saw me at my worse and lowest - when days I couldn't roll out of bed overcome by the sorrows of life. My wife's love brought healing like a balm and I am thankful I never missed my 'once a month' flowers for her. It's that simple promise I made to her when were married. I'll always buy those flowers.

In lieu of this I don't see my life as 'sucking'. I see the reason why soldiers bond so well: you go through things that unless you were there - people have no idea of what you're talking about. That's the bond of a soldier to one another: brothers-in-arms.

Life is hard - that's why when you commit yourself to someone you want to know truly who will be there through thick and thin.
My wife is my friend, companion, strength and inspiration.

I can honestly say in 2010 we've traversed our battlefield scarred, but more loyal to one another than ever.

My remarkable Michele

2010-10-27T09:58:00.006-06:00

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart.

A heavy heart for my wife.

We were hoping to be pregnant sometime this year, but you know how that goes...

At the beginning of the year, my dad died suddenly in January and the next few months was on the phone and criss-crossing to California to settle finances and trust paperwork.

I looked a my wife last night and wept silently in my heart: she has all the dignity and grace of a good soldier. She treks on despite what's going on inside. She moves about in the same manner without letting her own heart-ache getting the best of her.

Michele has hit 'near death' incidents being laid up in the hospital for a week losing enough hemoglobin to require three transfusions to spending Thanksgiving in the hospital a year ago - in our journey of desiring to be parents.

Yet through it all - I know she's still a woman. A woman was meant to have children - look a Celine Dion spending millions to conceive or an entire hospital industry and research devoted to helping women conceive. It's a 'ache' and joy that every woman yearns for. The second most beautiful picture about a woman is her holding a child, the first obviously her wedding day. That's the other side of a woman - the mother: a remarkable person of commitment, nurturing, love, grace, dignity and shelte; the wedding day highlights her physical beauty, but motherhood shows her inner beauty of her heart.

In the shadows, her dignity shines bright.

She has cried quietly but she has never allowed many situations to steal the joy or cast a gloom over others having what she does not have.

• I remember her buying baby shower gifts for someone and never came back griping or complaining. She shopped with a deliberate effort, not some half-baked 'get-in and-out' attitude.

• When asked if she has children as her school - she always politely explains no, without drawing pity or giving bitterness.
Sometimes I hold her in my arms when she cries afterwards privately...though she lives her life with that value it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

• Celebrating the lives of others when a child is born, or a birthday occurrence with the same excitement of the mother. Michele's perspective and value for kids is the same as the mother itself: she will laugh, play and affirm just as much.

• Not compromising on her values: she pulled out toys from her parents to keep the kids she's a nanny to not be glued and entertain their brain to mush by television (the parents have it on 24/7 almost). All these toys are 'developmental' in value designed to increase imagination, social interaction and growth in a child's brain. It's not her kids, no one asked her, but she does it as if was her own children. Even I was like, "Why spend the extra effort?" She replied resolutely, "Because it matters."

That's why my heart aches: any child in my lovely wife's arms is privileged as much as she is.

As a husband, I think nothing softens, or casts a sensitive spot than my Michele. I am privileged to be her husband and to stand with her. She rarely complains, but she does hurt quietly. If she one day woke up swearing like a sailor and throwing my Mac Pro laptop across the room, I couldn't blame her, but she doesn't. It's a quiet resolute faith and dignity.

That's the remarkable nature of my wife and one day I hope the kids will hear about it.

A very short story

2010-10-19T18:25:00.003-06:00

ISAIAH 57:19
18 I have seen his ways, and will heal (her);
I will also lead (her),
And restore comforts to (her)
And to his mourners.
19 “I create the fruit of the lips:
Peace, peace to her who is far off and to her who is near,”
Says the Lord,
“And I will heal (her).”

Chapter 1

The knight raced to the limp figure on the forest road.

He finally found her.

He knelt beside her as he pulled his helmet off, and lifted her chin, and he stared into her eyes. They were dilating and her breath was shallow. The maiden was passing into the land of shadows.

The poison in her was stealing her life, little by little. She almost didn’t care at this point, but she found him once more faithful – why doesn’t he give up on me?!

In her heart of hearts she believed he’d journeyed many miles racing across fields and asking town after town where she was. At one point in her own disdain she let herself believed there was no longer any gladness within her hoping her heart would be darkness.

She wanted a quiet place to let her heart dance it’s last dance upon jagged glass and let the life bleed from her.

There wasn’t any room for sorrow, there was too much for one heart to bear.

The forest was quiet. Sunlight stabbed beams of light through the enchanted forest. A warm glow basked around the knight. His eyes were of strength, kindness and comfort.

She smiled weakly as they both sat under the shaded trees. The color of her skin was spotted yellow – the poison was reaching to break her heart. A gentle stroke brushing the hair from her face revealed the face of beauty, but as the gaze of the noble knight looked deeper...sadness overtook him.

He didn’t have much time.. the knight’s heart was heavy as he saw her hand limp.

Then the knight’s warm hand moved upon the maiden’s heart – he held her gently.
The wind rustled hues of various leaves as it stirred around them, and the animals in the forest...stopped. Tiny slices of light began to phase in and out around the two and the knight began to sing. His voice...sang words the girl could not understand. She felt an inner stirring of warmth tingle inside her body, like her blood started to stir as it chased away the coldness within her.

The song seem to increase the brightness of the light that began to slice into this world’s dimension and the leaves swirled around with greater intensity.
Between the embraced figures a soft light grew as embers of yellows, reds began to cast an glow around the two. The song grew in strength...the animals in the forest stopped to stare.

It was familiar to the song of the Athelea Tree....life was being born anew.

Then the knight collapsed gasping...and the girl sat there staring in disbelief. Sweat beads covered his face...her hands touched his face – it was hot like fire.
A fever. She bit her lip and try to hold it back....

She collapsed with tears into his chest. She knew...what happened. The knight heaved his chest with difficulty, and his eyes glazed into darkness. The man smiled weakly to the maiden. It is finished.

She held his head with tears streaking down her face sobbing, “Why did you do this? Why?”

The maiden’s tears salty tears fell upon the knight’s face. He blinked away the wetness.

The knight’s eyes closed, it was like the morning rain after a battle. The song, that was not understood was now...heard.

Life’s passing moment upon the mourning field,
Hope fades from man, and downtrodden he casts,

Whence, light arises like a defender’s shield,
Heaven dips the ladle of ocean’s mercy,

Strength for your flesh and bones,
Life sings her song
Brightly, shining in every lasting glory
Forgotten in the washing of the grace’s rain....
Arise, arise like flowers blooming!

A twinkle in the knight’s eye comforted the woman as the knight’s body began to slowly shake, “So you might live.”

“No, no.” she sobbed, “..this was mine to bear...it was mine.”

“No, it wasn’t yours to bear alone...don’t you see? I’ve journeyed again to once more fight for you. This whole...time I was by your side. I never left, I’ve always loved you from eternity. (I have loved thee with an everlasting love – Jeremiah)

WRITTEN FOR MY DAUGHTER...with love - may you know fairy tales are true.

Ignoring the natural world

2010-09-27T19:42:00.004-06:00

Today's soil fertilizer - man-made consists of (M, P, K - nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium) but soil requires 52 minerals for the right soil to produce optimum conditions.

Would you bake a cake with 3 ingredients, but skip the 49 remaining? THe obvious conclusion is a food supply missing huge nutritional value and missing components in a cake, or a car will have consequences.

Why does the corporate farms, the food industry and government ignore this simple fact?

Because it's our arrogance tied into 'man's genius' and thinking we know better. It also doesn't make anyone money. If you can skip out 49 ingredients and still grow food that looks ok, but is missing the missing components no one sees -- it's good for shareholders.

Here's the main thought: research and take responsibility in reading you will find the establishment of man comes to a point where it's not cutting-edge knowledge, but the protectionism of power, and money. Morally, if you grow food, or supply medicine you must respect how the world really operates. Taking the major components of soil which translates into proper nutrition in our foods is morally wrong. God never intended it that way, and we ignore the process in the false pretense of science, and greed.

***

That's the trouble living in a world where there's an establishment and a billion dollar industry that has it's tentacles in food, and medicine. The drug industry world-wide is a 1/2 trillion dollar industry [foodmatters].

Bill Williams founder of AA suffered greatly from depression - a friend, a medical researcher suggested he take Niacin (B3) and in huge quantities and the result? He was cured of depression. WHAT IF niacin takes out the profit margin of a company by $300 million dollars? You'll never have the medical establishment advocate this idea of taking high dosages of niacin. Yet, why isn't the medical community exploring this idea if there is remotely a possibility? Because the medical schools, the FDA, the testing labs and medical journals are all lined and directly linked to the giant drug companies of today.

There's a huge protectionism of power and the suppression of knowledge that there is a huge link between nutrition and health.

The Hippocrates said, "Let thy foods be thy medicine". He also believed the body had an innate ability to heal itself if given the proper time and nutrition, yet despite doctors being taught the Hippocratic oath why isn't nutrition emphasized more?

There is a suppression of the 'natural world knowledge'. If you understand how the natural world there is a design. Many problems related to health is 'GIGO' in old computer terms: 'garbage in, garbage out'.

Case in point: Linus Pauling advocated high dosages of vitamin C to ward of colds and numerous health problems. His medical research is barely discussed today. That research is suppressed and ignored.

Mr. Pauling was no slouch either: he was a colleague of Albert Einstein and is esteemed as one of 20th century's greatest scientists and was referred by colleagues as one of the greatest minds named, 'father of molecular biology'. Yet his research into vitamin C was waved off by the medical community. Today, there are case where high dosages of vitamin C in an IV form up to 200,000 mg actually cured cancer patients.

Yet, we all know statement: 'high doses of vitamins' kill people. In the last 25 years where vitamins where prescribed only 10 people died of vitamin overdosages. You know the yearly rate of people dying of prescribed 'drug reactionary deaths'? 10,000+ per year.

I have the utmost respect for doctors - but we must reach the conclusion - an establishment doesn't mean it's always correct. In fact any establishment is always protecting itself in some form or fashion. Think about how a doctor would feel if half his patient could be cured and healed by proper nutrition and exercise? Conclusion: it would make him less important.

Imagine if some health issues could be cured by proper nutrition - what would that do to the drug industry? It would have a crippling effect.

The issue three-fold. One, we ignore the natural world with 'science' at our own peril. There's a natural consequence if you bake a cake with only three ingredients. How good is your food when your fertilization of your soil is missing 49 key ingredients? Secondly, the establishment in any entity should make you pause. The knowledge they possess will always be protected if you challenge it. Why don't drug companies throw up their hands and say, "In Japan we find that people are living upwards of 90 plus years and you should do what they do." instead of shoving drug after drug our way to a life-time commitment of heart-disease medications? Profit . Thirdly, we allow ourselves to be fed whatever comes our way because we fail to take responsibility.

The greatest mastery a person can undertake is mastery of themselves and respect the natural world and it's design.

THE WORLD IS FLAT

2010-09-11T05:38:00.002-06:00

In his well written book, "The World is Flat" Thomas Friedman wrote on several principles that we are finding out today coming into fruition. (If you never read the book, it's on my top 50 books 'must read')

The situation of the crazy pastor wanting a 'burn a Koran day' illustrates one of the principles of Friedman. The internet age has enabled one chaotic principle: Open Source: Communities uploading and collaborating on online projects. Examples include open source software, blogs, and Wikipedia. Friedman considers the phenomenon "the most disruptive force of all".

Long ago, there was always a centrality of power and knowledge. Huge institutions or entities. For the military there was always one dominant force be it the Roman Empire or the United States with her seven fleets controlling the seas. That paradigm shifted with the internet creating smaller military powers: terrorists. The result of that is a by product of the internet giving the power of shared information.

Case in point: if you were Al Queda- you found a way to make a portable IED made of eight simple house hold products and you post it on the internet - guess how quickly you just empowered some terrorist in sandals somewhere in the Middle East.

Politically it's the same. The internet changed even geo-political power. YouTube can make or break a political career. Remember the recent incident of a black woman seen on YouTube video and was going to be fired because one extreme tea-party nut decided to post a partial video of her speech on racism? When Obama was elected there was a viral video of a girl singing a parody of her crush on the new Democratic candidate - it was a hit.

Before technology came along you had a political central organization - the press (newspapers and magazine) would only covered established voices of power. If Abraham Lincoln declared war it would be covered, but it would take a few weeks till it reach the West Coast, but as communications improve the news got out faster. However you still covered the recognized political voices - namely in the United States the major parties.

Then the internet comes along. Terry Jones' voice in the 1800's or 1700's would never make it past town. He'd probably be preaching in a barn and the news would just stay there with the cows.

The internet allows for a greater voice and message impact than ever and you don't even have to be that important. Yes, the internet allows information to be passed on in such a greater capacity so much so Terry Jones could LITERALLY change the geo-political atmosphere and impact even military strategies.

Frankly, the modern press of FoxNews to CNN shouldn't even cover this idiot in the first place because you give credence to it. Some radical Islamic would record that put it on YouTube and within hours it reaches Europe and Afghanistan. Then the Muslim community is an uproar in the Middle East. Our troops fighting there finds an anger that is misplaced because Jones doesn't represent me or the majority of America.

Do you see it?

Technology - the internet is probably the most disruptive force in our society. Responsibly used - you can try to send grandma's old tea cup set to a million eBay collectors today whereas in the 70's you would have to wait until someone read your 1"x2" classified ad in the middle of two thousand ads. Irresponsibly or maliciously used you write a virus and title it "Funniest Stunt Video gone wrong" and you infect a million computers and keep the IT department looking like Einstein.

Fact is: Terry Jones in the 1970 alone would have never made the news. Just like Lindsay Lohan.

Fact number two: it's becoming more and difficult for people to filter and critically think their way through a conclusion. Analyze Terry Jones just for a fact. He's a small time pastor on the fringe, and honestly does anyone thinks he represent America? Absolutely not. Yet, we've come to the point where the general in Afghanistan, the U.S. president, and even the Vatican has to respond to this!

Fact number three: thirdly, we live in a world where we find a population with less critical thinking than ever. Where have we become as a world when if you post one video it's fact? Or that it's not 'layered' meaning it could be a prank, a joke, taking out of context, or not 'entirely the whole story'?

The modern press itself reflects this inability to critically think. Covering the Terry Jones situation was irresponsible because ultimately it ruins our relationship in the Middle East, it places our troops in danger with the growing anger, it also wasted everyone's time and resources of commenting, "Terry Jones doesn't stand for America."

Now, finishing that I need to write some silly iPhone app, and see if I can get a million people to buy it and retire.

9/11 anniversary - reflection

2010-09-10T19:01:00.003-06:00

RAMBLINGS

THAT PASTOR WHO IN FLORIDA WHO WANTS TO BURN THE KORAN.
Nuts. There's always people who are stupid. Based on what I saw so far - you're a pastor of a church that has 50 or less members and this sounds like a publicity ploy. He's willing to endanger our troops, our country and ruin the work of sincere Christians. Bullying the Muslim community on the Ground Zero mosque is not playing the role of an ambassador for Christ. Absolutely insane, irresponsible and self-centered righteousness. The only thing he inspired was a constant-gay bashing church to take his place if he doesn't do it.

THE MUSLIM AMERICAN
As an American, I've found the Muslim community as responsible citizens of the United States. There are Muslims serving in the arm forces, and Muslims also died during 9/11. It's not American to stereotype a people when so many have pledged their allegiance to this nation and it's constitution. As an American we are one when we respect the laws of this nation, and are willing to defend the constitution. I may disagree with the Muslim American on certain things, but as one American to another - they are Americans and they have my respect as any loyal American. It was a Timothy M, a white American who committed a terrorist act before any Muslim American. Are there fringe element individuals out there in America? Yes, but like with any group with their ideology some are harmful and some are harmless, but as a whole Americans were accepted warmly by Muslims.

OUR TROOPS
To this day, I am involved with an organization with pro-bono work to raise money for military families with spouses in the theater of war. Most people think because you work for the federal government that you will get the best benefits for health, and support. Not so. Not every soldier coming back is normal emotionally, physically or mentally. The ravages of war is beyond our comprehension - seeing your buddies blown apart, sleeping in a wooden box/shed in 105 degree heat, or driving in a vehicle staring at the picture of your loved ones while eyeing the road for an IED. Any arm force members will always get a handshake from me and my gratitude. You're not forgotten.

9/11
I find it sad we've forgotten as Americans we have enemies. We've become soft in our approach to what life is - there are battles. We don't live in a safe world entirely and there are people who will hate us. We shouldn't live in the fear of that and let fear drive us however, we should come together as Americans once more.

Are we losing the imagery of the bible ?

2010-09-01T21:49:00.000-06:00

The stork knows the time of her migration...they all return at the proper time each year.. - Jer 8:6

I will weep for the mountains and wail for the desert pastures...Jer 9:10

**

Quick devotional thought. As we are becoming more exposed to more man-made elements like cities and technology, are we losing the lessons of what God speaks in the bible using metaphors of nature to his Word? In biblical times people clearly saw lessons in creation more than today.

A farmer's reliance on rain whereas today we've developed technology to water all year round? It's like we pushed God out of the picture. Consider if you are having a rainy day at the office you throw up a desktop screen saver with a beautiful beach scene to escape the realities of the world around - bad weather be it snow or rain.

Or is our world more of a reflection as to how out-of-touch we've become? What would the world be for us as Christians, IF we live in a 'ultra-modernistic' society where we see little trees, mountains and eventually forget the awe of creation itself? Would the metaphors used as in the example in Jeremiah be lost with Christians?

I reflect upon this - seeing the 6 inches of snow fall during my vacation and am stuck by the beauty, and cold reality of winter. The snow is tranquil, peaceful and is soothing to my soul, but the power of winter shows the finite of life. The birds are not flying anymore - they are gone, but they will return.

Life isn't full of sunshine all the time, and there are SEASONS and that fact makes me cherish the moments God gives.

**

Conclusion: it's good to be seeing creation for it has a wealth of lessons and meditation in hand with God's word.

Suffering for a purpose

2010-07-19T16:00:00.002-06:00

Grief. Depression. War. Trauma.

Under our normal activities and movement in life we rarely identify or can comfort, or help those who experience such things.

I have found in my grief - the loss of several children, it has enabled me to be wiser, and more insightful in comforting others.

Unless you been there, you'll mean well, but you'll never quite understand.

It's good to know that we have a 'high priest' who is able to identify with our suffering. Jesus grew up poor. Jesus saw death. Jesus experienced grief. Jesus knew betrayal.

It's not like the leaders of today - the politicians, the CEO, your boss - who sometimes can think they understand, but honestly unless you're in 'those shoes' we are woefully ill-equipped at times to help others.

It's called suffering, grieving, or existing with a purpose.

Life after your loss

2010-07-15T17:56:00.004-06:00

Following, believing, or living for God isn't easy.

But it's the only way for me.

After my second loss of my little girl, I cried quietly in my heart. Then a third time again.

People say funny things when you are in grief: "I know someone who experienced 8 miscarriages."
That doesn't help, even though they mean well. It's like saying, "You're going to die within a year, but the good news is the guy next to you will die within six weeks."

Is comfort like math? Does a negative and negative make a positive?

Yet through it all I still cling to God because I've always seen life at it's end and look back at it's breadth. Death is the greatest 'speed bump' in life to make you stop, reflect, ponder and ask "What is important in life?". Money? Possessions? Peace? Freedom? Purpose?

I've worked for millionaires, and I know money isn't it. Most of the rich people I know are not happy.
I've met famous people and deep down one well known star admitted, "I'm so lonely."
Power isn't it because some of the greatest rulers after their power is gone just slinker down, enjoy their spoils and die without anyone remembering them too much. Heard of ruler of Mongolia? Khan? Super-bad dude you won't want to mess with, but does anyone remember what he did?

For me, I don't believe in the 'big bang' and that we are here randomly, because if you believe that then the death of my child means nothing. It's just the 'odds'. If you were my friend you know you cannot cling to that premise and comfort me because life is 'random' and without purpose and is part of the natural cycle. That's a cruel presupposition to base your life on, and granted it may have some merit in a scientific hypothesis, but in life - you run into problems.

The thing about death that makes me ponder so much is that deep within the core of a person after a loss is you go through so many valleys and ultimately you cry, "This isn't fair." or "This is NOT the end." Death can be an end when you're tired and you just want rest, but for a father expecting to hug, hold, kiss his little girl - you cannot argue around it: this isn't how we were meant to live. Life was never intended to be so cruel.

When death comes in it's most tragic entrance into a situation it's just numbing. No one knows what to say because no one can comprehend what's beyond the grave. That's why you don't find the atheist, the scientist, the Republican, or whoever saying much - because how can people comfort you when they don't know the end of their existence one day?

Even the Christian cannot say without absolute doubt what's 'around the corner'. You must simply believe by faith. Why is that so hard - you have people who believe there's galaxy out there, but personally haven't seen it, but you believe it.

However, with four losses in in about 18 months I can say I believe in the after life more than ever.

It's not a 'wishful' hope that I will be reunited with my children, but the pain tells me I'm alive and that all of us were not meant live life this way. It has to end somewhere.

Not the end of suffering, questioning or doubt for me, but for those around me.

I'm not the only one who experiences loss, and for me personally I simply believe for all people from every nation that there is a place, and hope for them. For me personally, I have been experiencing a peace, strength that is beyond my comprehension.

Yes, even in my situation I see people and they have a story too, and one day they will experience a loss too and it pains me to know that.

Life after your loss

2010-07-15T17:56:00.002-06:00

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?

2010-07-07T10:20:00.001-06:00

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

Father's Day

2010-06-21T09:12:00.002-06:00

I blinked my tears away hanging.

"...so it wasn't easy."

He looked at me, "No. Losing a child is the most intense experience you can go through, but it ended well."

I looked at him, "Your only son. That must not be easy. I lost two children, a boy and a girl, but you seem so strong, so in control...".

"I still grieve. He's my son. Gordon, no matter what you think of anyone - whether they are a CEO, rich, powerful or even if everyone thinks of them as strong - the loss of a child is still difficult. You want to protect them, and you are proud of them of who they are and what they become. The day I lost my boy...it was very quiet. No one talked to me...they didn't know what to say."

"I never thought of you - to be in the same boat as me."

He smiled and I saw kindness in his eyes, "...just because I am strong, powerful it doesn't mean I do not sympathize with you. I watch you, I see you, I hear you - just like with everyone else."

"...and you know my thoughts."

"Yes, I do."

I paused, "...when I'm on earth, I see people rich who have no idea of what it means to be poor, I see the powerful in their protected veneer and refuse to hear the weak's cries, and I see those without trouble not identify with those who suffer injustice - it's very 'human' of us to be like that. It's a false illusion to live like that, but you know it all: you hear the cries of the poor, you hear the blood of the innocents, and you know the tears of the weeping."

"Yes I do, and I love them all. There will be a day where all that will be erased. I promise."

"Will I see my dad?"

"Will you see my Son?"

"Yes."

"Then...with men it is impossible..."

"But with God, all things are possible."

"You paid attention."

"I try. Heaven can't come soon enough to be with you."

"The party will be set, and you got reservations."

Thank you God - wonder if you can embrace God?

Father's Day

2010-06-21T09:00:00.003-06:00

Father's Day.

Didn't expect it. It hit me a wall of bricks.

The wound and loss of my dad just hit me Sunday morning before church and I was an emotional wreck. I didn't want to go in sobbing and just felt like I was going to lose it.

I think the struggle with grief is that it's cruel. It's cruel when the inside of you is dying and the world goes on it's merry way. My Facebook pages have my friends declaring 'Happy Father's Day' to one another. They have cute kids, and I am truly happy for them. I see some of the cutest baby pics with some and the happy smiles of fathers. I paused, deep in my heart I asked, 'Do they remember that I was a father....and I lost one?' I don't hold it against anyone to celebrate it, because we CELEBRATE WHAT WE BEEN BLESSED WITH not what we don't have. Perhaps that's why it's that much more painful.

I think days of remembrances are important because it's a community. When you grieve, you tend to grieve privately. For me it's been normal. I worked my butt off on a website the last month for about sixty hours a week and the energy was there with my diet, exercise and life went on. However when there's community there's kinship and healing. You have to grieve with people at one point or another.

*****

I take time to see my dad from time to time, and then I realized on Father's Day, I'm a child without a father. Married professional with many blessed friends and I feel the loss. It's a wound to the soul and it doesn't ever go away.

In addition, the reminders of my two children who died gives another layer of grief that I, as a father have lost.

It's moments like this where I go crazy: I know we're not born randomly, I refuse to believe loss, grief is a natural cycle of life. The emotions we feel gives insight into something more planned. I also believe that I will see my dad again, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Yet in all this: I thank God there's still things to be thankful for: a good man who was my dad.

Heaven is a reunion

2010-05-27T06:34:00.005-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF9jLHbOpMY&feature=related

Heaven.

I dreamt I went to heaven.

Saw people embracing each other with wide saucer eyes and tears of joy flowing. It was a sea of people from every nation.

People from the middle east, asia, south america...and I understood every word. It was a party of the ages. In the midst, I knew whatever man does, God does better - even throwing parties and reunions.

I blinked away the tears.

Then someone grabbed me from behind.

Instantly I knew her - it was my daughter. I picked her up - and she said, "Daddy, daddy...I love you."

Giants tears streamed down my face, and my nostrils flared. It was my little girl I lost - Abigail. I hugged her till she gasped with a laugh, "...you're squeezing the breath out of me." I held her stroking her hair, as my tears soaked her white robe. I looked into her eyes and I saw myself. She was beautiful.

Then...Michele comes walking in the distance with our son, Asher.

I looked at Michele smiling and looked back at Abigail, "Well, look who's coming."

Abigail smiled and pecked a kiss on my cheek, "That's my brother."

I smiled back, "I know."

A father's gift

2010-05-12T07:44:00.002-06:00

a gift

I remembered when I was young my dad would do small things that seem so insignificant at the time, but they were pebbles thrown into the lake that rippled through my entire life. To this day my dad's action still 'ripple' into my life.

One gift he gave was the gift of reading: my dad didn't have a budget to buy anything we wanted as children, but whatever resources he saw he would avail himself to it. One such thing was books. At the school where he was custodial manager he would collect books that the school would throw away and he would bring them back to the house.

Bring them back he would: boxes of them!

As a child there was no greater experience then perusing the books with different pictures and stories. It was a world at our feet for my sisters and I. I read about Abraham Lincoln to George Washington Carver to Curious George. This path and my dad's example of always reading his newspaper and a cup of coffee set me on a foundation of reading. My sister is an English teacher with an M.A. all in literary and education. I am now in communications existing in a world where I must read all the time.

Reading kept me out of trouble, expanded my mind and made me a life-long reader.

My dad didn't think much of it: there were free books and he scooped it up for his children. In turn he gave a priceless gift of life-long learning and the love of reading.

I doubt if my dad would ever consider how this simple act would have resulted in the ramifications it did.

Thanks dad.

Snippy

2010-05-04T19:10:00.003-06:00

Once in a while you'll take a shower and then it just hits you.

That thought of 'duh!'.

For me it was about my comments about my wife:
• careful on the hair, you're burning it...
• use proactiv instead of rubbing alcohol for pimples..(valid)
• do this...
• don't do that..

Started nagging her like a old woman with nothing to do.

Then I realized that I was more critical lately than uplifting. I had to have a change of mind.
• I called to ask Michele's forgiveness
• I said I loved her and admitted my critical spirit lately
• I had to humble myself

Such a course of action was needed and dramatically too, things like this can be the 'driving wedge' between a relationship or more importantly a marriage. If you get use to your 'correctness' and there were some points I was correct, but the spirit of my admonishments were wrong.

Admittingly, I could excuse the recent comments as part of stress or whatever, but it doesn't matter: God is against the proud, but gives Grace to the humble. Pretty easy choice. I don't like being against God in any situation.

The other thing is this: I aim to safeguard and protect our marriage. A woman is only what she can be as the result of the 'feeding and nurturing of her husband'. If I keep being critical it'll eat away at Michele and that's simply wrong.

I was wrong in my words, and I've learned.

James said words are more powerful than we can imagine: hurtful words are described as 'as if set by hell fire itself' - it's simple interpretation: it's a blazing-white hot fire with destruction in it's path. Seen a forest fire? It's devastating. The power and speed of it is simply awesome.

The impact of a father's life

2010-04-30T09:27:00.002-06:00

I spent some time last weekend with some children in an urban outreach.

They were kids from the poorer section of the surrounding area, but you look and honestly spend time with them you realize they just need something simple: love, affirmation, and a sense of security.

I look back at my life and realize the wisdom of two parents in a family unit. That's why I believe God always said entering marriage is such a serious matter because it's not about two people getting along, or not. It's about your commitment, and that commitment will be tested, but more importantly it affects the children permanently.

My father wasn't perfect, but he is what God gave and I am very appreciative of that matter. I am the man I am because of him. My father's wisdom echoes in my head today, but I always knew he would look out for us. He would fight for us, he would sacrifice for us and he spent his life for others.

I wished my father and I had more common interest and wished we spent more time now, but if there's one thing I knew it was this: he was there. A memory serves me well.

At K-Mart there was these cool soldier toys figurines that I desperately wanted. Our family was shopping and my father said no. Little did I know my father just didn't have any discretionary spending money like our federal government. I tried to 'earn' my father's favor my washing dishes during dinner - mind you I was about 8.

I didn't see the army figurines for quite some time, and then a few weeks later they showed up. I grabbed them like Jack Sparrow grabbing gold.

My dad came through.

And it meant so much to me. I recall that memory and I am sad that he is really gone. No more thanks to him.

Recently my sister told me he loved Korean beef. It just grabbed my dad's taste like it never before.

If I had one opportunity I'd fly him to Korea and go on a culinary feast, but my father would scold me for that spending. I do wish I could go back to California and find the best Korean beef bbq and blow several hundred dollars on my dad.

Looking back at my dad's sacrifices I think an entire bank account would be justifiable. My father died a quiet life. Without fanfare and he slipped into eternity without much notice.

Father, you were the not perfect. I saw your flaws, but in your life as your son I am so proud you are my father - this life you gave was the result of your life. I hope I live to make you proud.

A name reserved for you

2010-04-08T08:39:00.002-06:00

English Standard Version (©2001) REV 2:17
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it.’

A new name - you ever wonder about that? What's THAT about? God gives names to people plenty of times - 'Abram' to 'Abraham'. Always designating a new identity and purpose.

This time last year, I lost my baby girl. We had to end her pregnancy and yesterday I cried quietly to myself. I found myself wiping tears away, and the reality of my losses struck me. Michele and I thought we would keep the names we had for our possible future kids, but this week we decided to reserve them for our two children who went to be with God.

'Abigail' and 'Asher' will never be used in our household. They have been used because they were our children. I cannot look at them as a 'number' or a 'statistic'. I will speak of them as though I held them, and I did: in my heart. As a father, the loss of Abigail and Asher strikes me hard. Abigail was more difficult because we had to end the ectopic pregnancy.

Asher means 'rejoicing and strength at the gates'
Abigail meant 'father of exaltation' and 'beauty'. It's the most overlooked character in the bible, and quite possibly the woman who set David back on his path as king because of her reminder of what our destiny can be. For David, it was Abigail who reminded him of God's plan for him to be king when David just literally had a 'moment of meltdown'.

Next week, Thursday we said goodbye to our little Abigail.

Yet, I know Abigail and Asher might be wondering what new name God gave to them. I'll know one day, and God will probably give them better names, but I hope He liked my names.

Wisdom

2010-04-04T20:28:00.002-06:00

New International Version
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance--

When I turned about thirty I learned something: you should listen to people and when people come across your life: watch, observe and ask. There's a treasure trove of wisdom to be gained even from those who are failures (don't copy their habits or decision making) - so before you become critical and think you're smarter than they are - watch, listen and observe.

My definition of a fool: A fool is a person who refuses to learn even when one stumbles across people that grace your life for a reason and provides insight, and wisdom to enrich your life.

Over the course of Easter I learned something from my nieces and nephew that I've lost when my children died: the joy of play and life. Simple giggles, and the joy of play must never be overlooked. Thank you Grant, Ella, and Maddie - because of you this weekend I forgot my loss and learn to keep that boy in myself. I'll remember running like a fool holding your hands in the mall.

I look back at Tim and Corey who set me on a fiscal mind-set that allowed me to start real-estate investments and financially planning early. Because of them I started a 401k early and started an investment mind-set.

Aside from pure beginner's luck it was their fiscal fervor that set me to take the savings my wife and I set aside for a home and get a return on stocks last year (in a year when everyone was running from investments). It was also that open ear that gave me the decision to not buy a home before the economy's collapse. Because of my friends and God hitting my head hard my wife and I are debt-free, 401ks started for the both of us ten years ago and a nice down-payment on a new home when we're ready to buy. If it wasn't for God's blessing I'd be where I was in college: an idiot who ran up credit card debt.

My father-in-law, here's a man who is a gift. Former CFO, I pick his brain when I have to make fiscal decisions or when I need someone to bounce an idea off. His advice is always advice, he shares his perspective, but never told me what to do. God knows there's plenty of people who should tap this man's wealth of knowledge of finances because the man does it for a living. I'd be a fool to not ask him some things.

My sisters. Only because of the passing of my father I've learned so much from my sisters. From Cindy's positive attitude despite life's trials to the servant-heart of Doris - my sisters inspires me weekly. These sisters are amazing....

My wife. She's the counter-balance in my life on so many levels. I'd be a fool to not bounce the decisions of life because God placed her in my life.

The numerous examples she is to give me wise counsel has been a tremendous blessing. One example is my wife taught me the principle of 'outrageous giving' is a sure-fire remedy for money problems. I found with many people in financial problems you can never have enough - when you start giving away it forces you to manage your money and maximize your resources. I've learned the art of 'deals' - this weekend my brother-in-law ribbed me for winning stuff more than anyone: a free laptop, a free digital camera, a free vacation…I'll take ribbing for freebies any day.

I'm a knuckle head. I didn't learn when i was young, it was only when God really stepped into my life and opened my eyes to the wisdom of Proverbs: 'let the wise listen and add to their learning' that incredible change took place.

There's a treasure trove of people and resources around us and God placed them there for a reason.

I've found one thing true: there's not a single person I've not been able to glean some wisdom, some lesson or some inspiration from.

The Wonder of it all

2010-03-31T03:11:00.001-06:00

One of my friend's baby just came.

His marriage is like mine: Asian and Caucasian and his baby girl was born healthy thankfully.

The little girl arrived at work and I stopped by to take a look.

Then someone holding little Charlotte asked me if I wanted to hold her, and I replied a quick, "yes". Holding her and watching her sleep in my arms it was magical. I couldn't help but smile as I heard her baby sounds - a 'cooh' or a cute smack of her lips.

Little Charlotte was as perfect as a baby can get. Beautifully shaped hands, beautifully proportioned and beautiful jet black hair. The thought was broken by the giggle of her older sister playing with her father.

It was one of those moments where you pause and know what life is really about.

As I stare at this precious thing in my arms, and as I rocked her to close her to eyes - out of fear she might wake up - I realize the beauty and preciousness of life.

A revelation came to me: I would do anything to protect this baby if I had to, even with my very life. Just grabbing her perfectly formed finger between my thumb and finger I could see her nail, her knuckle, and the delicate construction of her hands. The noise of beginning life mixed with slumber moved me: this is how it feels to be a father.

I smiled inside lost in my own thoughts.

I could see myself doing this: loving my baby. Holding my girl. Holding the boy I lost. A part of me wished my wife was there...she probably blink a tear or two seeing me. You could see it in my face and she would have read it: I could see you as a father.

I was lost for a few moments going back to places of 'what if's'. What if my two children were alive today? What if my father who passed away was alive to hold them?

I blinked a tear away, and suddenly realize it was hard to hold this baby that was now a mixture of wonder and deep sadness.

Sadness reminded me of my losses.

Then I realize what God must have felt. Sending his Son, so dear to him: into this world to reach out to us with a message of love. I would have done anything to protect the baby, but God would do the very opposite of sending his child with a message of love.

I shook my head, Jesus was born a baby: just like the one I held.

For a little bit, as an imperfect man I knew a little of what a friend said, "Until you become a father - there's a dimension of God's loss as a father you will never understand."

I think I understand just a little: the Wonder of it All.

You don't know

2010-03-17T07:18:00.006-06:00

I think a fault of many people today, especially Christians sometimes is how we are so quick to 'pre-judge' a person.

The only person who can make an accurate evaluation is Jesus. He's God after all, but for the majority of people including myself, is we have a higher estimation of ourselves and we falter in our perceptions.

I'll never forget the story of a single Christian mother with two kids playing softball in the park.

A huge, clearly homeless man approached her quietly and asked if he can help fetch the balls hit by the woman's daughters.

Now here you can make your presuppositions. You can run, decline, or let God really tell you what to do. If I was this woman's husband, I would say, "Move the kids out and get in the car. You're alone, and this sounds really like it could be bad."

God told this mother, "Reach out." (Mind you, God's pretty spontaneous and fresh and will always give the right answer and sometimes it goes against common sense, and it's NEVER the same answer,way sometimes).

So this mother let's the stranger fetch the ball for a while. Then, the stranger asked, "Can I hit the ball?"

Ok, fetching a ball is one thing, but turning over a bat to a stranger as a single mother with your children is now really stepping out by faith. The woman prayed, and sense God wanted her to do it - even thought it went against common sense, but she felt compelled to let the man hit the ball.

The mother nervously step up to pitch the ball, and the stranger connects.

She says it went two hundred feet. She looked at the ball traveling and back at the stranger. The man smiled and asked for another ball to be pitched.

This one sails like a bat out of hell, and travels three hundred feet.

The girls are all excited - it's like a show!

The hits keeps coming and the stranger smashes each pitch like Paul Bunyan: Three hundred feet. Four hundred feet. Even one smash-hit sails like it was from a movie from the Field of Dreams or the Natural. It was surreal.

The stranger launched every ball literally out of the park as the girls runs to find the balls. Each time the mother whispers, "Amazing."

It was like a literal private home-run derby. Finally, the stranger drops the bats, smiles and softly says, "Thank you."

The woman watches him walk away and rushes to catch him, "Where did you learn to hit the ball like that?"

The stranger looks to the ground and softly says, "The Atlanta Braves."

Yes, THAT Atlanta Braves, - the professional baseball team.

You never know soemeone's story, or where they came from. Just because they act, say or look a certain way - remember there is a story to them. Maybe when you find out you don't look at the book cover, but read the book.

Today was hard

2010-03-17T06:42:00.004-06:00

Woke up this morning after seeing my dad.

Last night, old vacation photos popped up from May 2008 when my wife and I went out to Yosemite for our anniversary.

In the beginning shots of our trip we took an 'spur-of-the-moment' shot of us a local restaurant. That night I realized that was the last pic of my dad. I could tell from the picture his health was going down. I could see it.

Then this morning I realize the last image I have of my father was him lying in the coffin. He didn't even look like the the father I grew up, or had the facial features of the father I last saw.

The impact of that thought hit me hard this morning. I woke up with a sense of loss and during breakfast I was weeping - missing my dad.

Wished I had more pictures of him with him smiling.

The revelation at the moment was I lived like he was going to be around forever. Simon Cowell described his loss - and how difficult it was for him losing his father. Simon said, "....you think they will be around forever."

Death is unbecoming, unexpected and without compassion. It's rude. It's without remorse. It comes at the worse time.

Michele gently reminded me, "It's a year long journey of grief and maybe more."

***

The robins chirped. They knew Spring began - somehow.

And so it begins.

Random thoughts...

2010-03-08T11:23:00.002-06:00

I woke up thinking of my dad this morning and it got mixed with Phil 4:8.

A book bought by a friend (thanks A!) - triggered a month-long meditation on the biblical wisdom Phil. 4:8... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

When you deal with grief and disappointment you are concern with the cycle of 'what-ifs' and 'guilt trips'. It's amazingly true what Proverbs says: "As a man thinketh in his heart...so is he."

My mind wandered about my dad - his thinking pattern was always 'serve'. He served us, his peers, his co-workers, and his family. That's the way he was wired. He never thought 'be lazy'.

My mind wandered about God's thoughts - whether you insert God into the role as a father, mother, CEO, or friend his thoughts are always True, Noble, Right, Pure, Lovely, Admirable, Excellent, and PraiseWorthy.

That means God would be the best in any role you put Him into because his thoughts are so much higher than ours.

Imagine a CEO with True thoughts - never lying, or embellishing the sale figures in a company. As a CEO - God tell his employees that He would take a pay cut of 90% and give it back to the employees - Noble! Or have Pure thoughts of taking care of the company and being socially responsible. That's just the way God's thoughts are - continually.

I think God is joyous and delightful by nature because His thoughts are always Phil. 4:8.

He's never thinking the opposite of Phil. 4:8 Lies, Un-Noble, Wrong, Vile, Ugly, Dire, Mediocre. You have to wonder when we dwell on things that are Not True, or Wrong things, or Vile that we find so many people who are depressed or discouraged.
Or to think God might think of such things towards you - which is infinitely out of His character - you think God is disappointed with you. It's amazing parents think that about their kids, but nowhere in the bible does God reveal his thoughts, "You're all a disappointing lot, and you're worthless."

Granted God is Holy so He gets angry, but can you blame Him? When we see a child killed, aren't we angry? But God never places us in the category box of 'reject'. He is Noble. He redeems us and states clearly His thoughts are for peace, prosperity and hope.

God always thinks Lovely things about us. His intentions are always Noble, Pure, Lovely and Good.

I see the wisdom of that when I think of my own father and how much I miss him. When someone dies...you see them in more clarity - and for myself I see my dad as Noble and Serving. It makes me ache because I miss that about him.

My sister

2010-03-01T12:13:00.002-06:00

Cindy.

She did it.

My sister made me cry a bit with her about our dad having coffee.

I catch myself randomly overcome with grief. It's amazing how small reminders can trigger that.

For my sister it was as simple as shopping for coffee down the grocery aisle and she posted it to her Facebook page.

Sighs.

Dad, I miss you. I just think of all the things you did for us. I think of the effort you pulled to take us to Disneyland, Great America, Sea World and zoos. I think we take it for granted then, but we take it for granted that you pulled about 800.00 per month for a family of five. Some dads have the luxury of doing it, but you didn't. You scraped every nickel to pull of some childhood memories for us all.

We miss you.

Dealing with grief

2010-02-18T11:15:00.002-06:00

All my life I've exercised.

Grief robs you of routine and lately, slowly I've been getting back into it. I was just thrown off and felt lethargic.

It's a core philosophy of mine. I have to take care of this body and the American diet and sedentary lifestyle is a slow death to flab and health problems. A study reported 1 out of 6 American health care dollars is going into diet/exercise related problems that are entirely preventable.

I've found that going through an exercise routine even in grief will give your mind and feelings a break. The blood will be flowing and the endorphins are just firing and it makes a bad day a better day. For me an active, healthy life-style is just a part of me and not a 'to-do' list. It's just a part of me to be healthy and active because it's just plain good for you.

Emotionally you can drag yourself into the dumps with sugar mood swings or feel bad about your body because you're just plain out-of-shape. I've been exercising my entire life and it makes a world of difference. If you don't respect and care for your body it will come back to haunt you.

Grief by itself is a monumental process to journey, but exercising and getting your body healthy makes that journey a bit shorter. Even a short walk, or a brief fun is sufficient. For me the P90x system of video exercise by Tony Horton has been a tremendous blessing because Tony is crazy and his workouts routine are so full of variety I never get bored.

Even my wife said lately, "Honey, you look good." At least that comment alone makes me feel a bit better dealing with the loss of my father.

Every good father..

2010-02-18T10:27:00.002-06:00

Each week there's a new revelation of insights into someone's inner life.

This week my sister discover a seemingly insignificant fact. The house my parents owned had a underground hand pump system to drain rain water under the house. Apparently my dad never bought a automatic pump - it was a hand pump.

I hurt a bit inside to realize an older man crawling under the house pumping water. To realize it was my father doing that stings. If my sisters and I knew we'd chip in for an automatic pump.

But before you think our dad who passed away was cheap he wasn't. Every single story of eating out, or gifts our dad would insisted on paying for everything. He never allowed his children to sacrifice for him. He had to sacrifice for us. Dad insisted on buying the candy for my sister's class. He insisted on paying the meals.

It reminds me of Peter cutting the ear off the Roman. Jesus had to heal it - there would be blood shed except His. One sacrifice would be glaringly blatant - the love of a God. The love of a Father.

For me, I realize more and more the meaning of sacrifice because my dad wasn't rich. He lived comfortably, but never an extravagant lifestyle. He was a simple man, who worked hard and loved his family.

It makes me reflect how much do those around us sacrifice for us? How much do I realize how much sacrifice was given for me?

It does bring a revelatory consideration of the amount of gratitude we must have. I find this world cynical, and afraid to be caught up in the 'I deserve this' attitude. My generation is so different from our parents where sacrifice was just a code of honor that was highly regarded.

Every good father sacrifices. I am won over and touched deeply about my father' sacrifice and the memory of it.

Comfort

2010-02-11T09:23:00.002-06:00

My sister wrote me an email about a dream she had about our dad.

In the dream dad visited and said, “I’m doing fine up in Heaven. I’m very happy there. Don’t worry about me. I love you all.”

That was such a source of comfort.

Amazing how powerful words can be both to heal, or hurt.

Grief

2010-02-05T13:08:00.003-06:00

Grief.

My counselor said I should write - said it was good for me..I suppose I should listen.

I think right now, the sudden loss of my father was deeply unsettling and shocking. I talked to my dad during Christmas and a week later he was gone. To make matters worse a snowstorm held me and my wife from getting there to say goodbye in person.

I ache wanting to kiss my dad's cheek or forehead once before he left us.

A few lessons I've learned about grief.

• Grief is deeply personal and you grieve at the time when it happens. You cannot force it, and you cannot stop it. I am feeling bad I cannot weep for my father at this time, but I can't cry tears. Maybe I'm just emotionally taxed.I know there's a broken heart and there's nothing I can do about it.

• Grief is shocking. You go through denial as a built-in coping mechanism. I had to tell myself a hundred times, "My dad is gone." I couldn't believe it. Then you will go through anger, depression, and your feelings run rampant. Don't be surprised if your feelings don't align to your situation.

• Grief can consume everything. If you let it, it will consume everything like a fire. My wife was a 'one-week casualty' when my grief was so overwhelming I completely ignored her. I snapped out...still fighting my grief but recognizing I have a lovely person to take care of too.

• Grief cannot be dealt alone. You need family, friends and support. It's so earth-shaking it makes your world topsy-turvy. The conversations with friends, family and co-workers is a tremendous support.

• Grief is unexpected. No matter how 'prepare' you are - even if you know someone you love is dying - you cannot truly prepare for grief.

• Grief will touch a variety of emotions: guilt, anger, sorrow, depression, anxiety..you will not be normal for awhile. Many people have come up to me and said it takes months or even years. CS Lewis said grief in it's loss is like amputating your leg. Over time the wound heals, but the loss is always there.

When loss happens it puts life into perspective. For me so far - it makes the view of heaven sharper, but it reminds me life is so short as well.

Your father, mother, brother, and lover

2010-01-28T10:00:00.002-06:00

My parents have been married for 45 years and that’s a long time. My mom had a rough childhood. She spilled it out when I was in California for the first week before the funeral and I was deeply sadden hearing the childhood of my mother.

I tell you that because of what my dad said to my mom after finding about her pain.

When my dad married my mom, he knew of her past and said, “I will be your true father, mother, brother, and lover.”

I wept at that promise. There's not too many men like my dad today: a man who would see the need of his bride and be everything for her. To make up, heal and atone for some of the past - my dad would take what was empty and fill it again. He was like a painter collecting colors and re-painting a sad grey world making it new once more.

I always thought I was different from my dad - I thought my dad was those silent type - working hard, quiet and deeply personal contrast that with me: outgoing, talkative and openly affectionate.

As a child I didn't recall too many times seeing my parents show affection, but it wasn't until dad passed away that I heard about the first love letters between my father and mother. My mother found it in a wooden box - the letters were yellowed and tattered. My father kept those letters for over forty years. Apparently he was the romantic. I couldn't read it because it was written in Chinese, but holding those letters my eyes welled up with tears - the heart of my dad was inked on the pages

I held the letters, but he was gone. There's so much more to the depth of this man that I never knew - he shared a commitment and love for my mother that was to a degree I was about to explore as a husband to my wife.

My mother reminded me, "Honor your father's memory by loving your wife."

...sighs

2010-01-11T16:43:00.003-06:00

During the funeral planning, my wife came up to me in tears and told me we lost a son.

We would have had a boy. A boy that would have brought a lot of tears and happiness to my dad. I so wanted to place my son into his lap and let my baby gaze at his grandfather. Now, both are gone.

It's just another piece of the puzzle that dropped into a cloudy picture.

Man, it's heavy - lose a girl, a boy, and now a father.

...say what you can

2010-01-09T04:47:00.002-06:00

This is much harder than I ever imagined.

...please do say the things to appreciate your parents while they are live.

My deepest desires is one more minute.

One more minute to say, "I love you so much, and I'm so proud to be your son."

One more minute to embrace him, "You'll always be my first hero."

One more minute to say, "You were a good father."

***

We really don't say "I love you" to to those around us enough.
Strangely, how God says it a lot and we're so far like Him with our clouded views of one another.

***

I love you.

Since some have asked....

2010-01-09T04:45:00.000-06:00

FRANK H. H. WONG
Memorial service of a beloved father, husband and American

Friday Evening: January 15th
Viewing at Price Funeral Home
Price Funeral Home
6335 Sunrise Boulevard
Citrus Heights, CA 95610-5999
(916) 725-2109

Saturday 10am: January 16th
Price Funeral Home
6335 Sunrise Boulevard
Citrus Heights, CA 95610-5999
(916) 725-2109

After Service -
Grave site 11:30am

Luncheon
Grace Bible Church -
6724 Palm Avenue, Fair Oaks, CA
(916) 967-3915

My dad's sacrifices

2010-01-06T09:50:00.006-06:00

I woke overcome with grief. Didn't cry last night trying to get a flight out, but flights are all booked out on Southwest, and there's a snowstorm rolling in the middle of the week.

My father died before I could reach him.

I look back at my father's life, though a private man, he was one who truly 'squeezed out every resource' he had.

• I remember as a teenager I would be embarassed walking with my dad because he never bought new clothes for himself simply because he didn't have a 'dad budget' because he had three kids. My dad had a pair of jeans hanging on his closet that he wore for over twenty years. It wasn't designer jeans, it was KMART. It had specks of white paint from old house projects.

Now as I look back he sacrificed everything for his family and he didn't care how people looked at him. I'm sure he was hurt by the snide comments, but my dad never whined about not having enough money, or being a victim.

• Even on our trip out he was giving us money to fly out and fly back, even when we had money to cover. He was giving generous amounts - saving every bit to give to his children. Now as I look back my dad scraped every penny as a janitor, but gave with a millionaire's hand. Michele and I were astounded by his giving during Christmas.

• I remember as a kid whining about toys I didn't get not realizing my dad had a monthly take home pay of $700.00 per month for a family of five. Somehow, my dad was able to pull out toys still and as a child I never missed a thing.

• My dad didn't say much but he would watch the Billy Graham crusade, which gave me a spiritual jump in life. I didn't know my father's faith, but he watched Billy preach a lot and as I look back that was truly something he passed on that will last forever.

I miss him so much now, but I believe I'll see my dad again. This life that is visible isn't the end.

Whatever perspectives we may have of our parents, the moment they leave when you recount their lives you will regret moments of not acknowledging them for what they are and were. I'm grateful I have a wedding album of my father smiling at my wedding - it was the response to my thankfulness for him. His eyes were beaming with pride and joy. He never looked happier.

My dad

2010-01-05T23:23:00.003-06:00

I am reminded of the sincerity of my father. I never doubted he always had the best intentions for his children. He was a private man named after Frank Sinatra and I remembered my dad had the coolest hair-do. Sort of that 1950's greased hair look with a very good hairline. Suave!

Even more impressive: he immigrated at 16 by himself to come to America. I remembered him telling a little bit of his childhood and how he ran away from the ravages of war and communism. My dad thought America was like Snapple, "The Best Stuff on Earth". It was truly the American dream for him. At 16, with no education he enrolled in school, got a job, worked his tail off and bought a house free and clear. Quite a simple life, but a productive one: three kids, college educated with good perspectives my dad had a lot to be proud of. Every time he bought a car it was cash. He had a simple investment principle for me: 70/30. What you make save 70% and spend 30% on whatever you wish.

That always didn't work out: my dad bought his share of American cars that made Americana wince: a pink Cadillac, a green Pinto, a lime-green Nova, and white Buick Skylark. He finally had enough of America's awkward years of cars and settled on a Toyota Camry. He never had any problems with the Camry, but my dad was still full of nostalgia towards American cars, especially Cadillacs - I think I would have loved to see him driving a Caddy.

As a husband my dad treated my mother well. They had their moments of debates, but he was faithful and devoted to her.
He wasn't the romantic, but I never doubted his love for my mom. Never did I see my dad raise a hand to my mom and he always warned me, "Never disrespect another man's daughter."

As a father one memory of my dad struck me: I was a bad kid, and did something wrong one evening (which in my youth wasn't a surprise- I think my parents thought I came from the devil's lair). I would lie, cheat, steal and did everything I could to get whatever I want.

One evening on a summer day, I was disciplined and walked to my room sulking and sat by my window still staring at the house's backyard. I was moping, but confused my dad would discipline me. The anger, hurt of disappointment painted in his eyes made me sad I retreated to my bedroom. I think my dad thought I spent too much time by myself and he walked in and sat next to me. In that day, my dad had the biceps and he looked big compared to me as a child. He spoke softly to me, "You know why I disciplined you? It's not because I'm angry with you, I love you."

I sat silently and my father spoke, "...were you right in this?" I shook my head, I knew I was wrong.

Then he wrapped his arms around me, "The discipline was THEN, and now it's past. I still love you." He ran his fingers through my dark black hair, and smiled.

That was my dad. Simple old-fashioned values.

My love for America came from my dad bleeding 'red, white and blue'. He knew what living without freedom meant and he always said, "America is not perfect, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else."

He adapted quickly to American culture: we watched the Celtics and 49ers (ironic considering we were Californians). To this day, my friends are absolutely bewildered why I watch the Celtics. My dad loved rooting against the Lakers - imagine that!

My constant enthusiasm for this country was from my dad. My dad's work ethic made an impression on me, but the man I am today is because of my dad. My dad's values were of a nobler age.

I love you dad, you will be missed. If anything I regret: I wish I could have placed a grandson into your lap and look into your eyes and say, "Don't worry, the Wong sonship line will continue...even with Celtic pride."

2009 - a very rough year

2010-01-05T17:55:00.003-06:00

Some people asked me, ' Why do you believe in God?'.

Because deep down I know there's more to life than the grave, or sorrow. It's simply not NATURAL.
If death was 'natural' and an accepted fate - we would never sorrow. It's just part of life like gravity, right?

Sorrows are always accompanied by, "It shouldn't be like this.." or some debate against the reality of it. I cannot accept death of a baby or the tragic death of young life cut short because that's the way the 'dice rolls'.

The diced rolled in my table and I don't like it.

For me, 2009 was a year of sorrows.

I almost lost my wife, we lost two pregnancies and following the last loss - we spent Thanksgiving holiday in the hospital. The day we found out we lost our baby, while we were delivering soup to a sick family we got hit by a hit-and-run driver. (We made soup as a distraction to keep busy with the loss our child.)

I thought I would close 2009 with a renewed expectation of hope, but instead I am waiting on my dad's surgery. He had a stroke and then recovered and later this afternoon was rushed to an emergency eight hour surgery unexpectedly.

I am confronting fears, anxieties I never thought I would face. I know God never said, "Let me in and troubles will never come." but I never thought I would face this much in one year. I am blessed by the grace of God through my church family and my wife. The prayers and support of people are the only thing keeping me. Even as a I write this there's a peace that surpasses my understanding because of a hidden spiritual dimension force.

I write this for my family, and my future children. Troubles will come. This life will cause grief and challenges.

But there is hope. The hope one day sorrows will be erased and tears will be dried. It's an expectation I look forward to one day. I know there's a heaven because I cannot accept death as 'that's the way it is'. That's why we fight to stay alive, it's unnatural.

One day I will rise again and I will greet my two children of 2009.

Heaven Is a Face

2009-11-29T20:20:00.001-06:00

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy (no more).

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

SCC

Thanksgiving

2009-11-28T10:05:00.002-06:00

When bad thing happen, there's revelation. Sometimes sorrows brings a new vision of thankfulness - that clarity you may have forgotten.

I finally had a chance to settle down and write what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my mother and father-in-law. They drove down early to spend the morning with us during Michele's surgery. They could have stayed at home, but they spent time with us. My mother-in-law is amazing woman, and many days I have deep, deep appreciation for her and the same with my father-in-law: he's an amazing man. A true grandfather who is studying to get his pilot's license, but the amount of wisdom and service he provides to everyone is amazing. I think many times we take people like this granted.

My family. Anytime something bad happens my sisters shine. During this time of sorrow they have stood by me and my parents. My baby sister's calls and my other sister's generosity is always a level of support and comfort I am truly grateful for.

My church family. The amount of phone calls, emails and support offering dinners and meals have been touching. They haven't skirted around the issue - they embraced it and made it their own. People have cried with us...listened to us and extended themselves with love. I am very grateful for a community of friends on this journey of faith.

Ironically, the Facebook friends. The sincerity of it all truly touched me. Al, a man I read about wrote to me and offered both phone numbers (home and cell) to listen to at any hour to Cheryl - a remarkable woman that I didn't know very well, but took time to write beautiful words to comforted my heart. And Tanya - one of those friends that you drop off in contact for years and the moment you communicate it's like where you left off.

My extended in-laws. This Thanksgiving with my nephew and niece brought me back to childhood - life is simpler and care free with more laughter. My nephew made me smile through my sorrows - he reminded me so much of me.

I am thankful for God. His peace and healing in my life is a constant source of re-focus. When the world falls apart, or when the sun shines I know this life isn't about me. It's about Him. He is a source of hope, and purpose.

Lastly, I am thankful for my wife. Life is hard. But the person you have the opportunity to go through life's valleys and mountain peaks is the real privilege of it all.

My amazing wife...

2009-11-27T23:31:00.005-06:00

Michele was getting ready for surgery.

I looked at her, and just before her parents arrived I looked at her and I found my eyes welling with tears. I whispered, "You've been through so much."

My heart hurt for just a moment. Last time I almost lost her and this time we find ourselves in the hospital once again.

Then the thought dawn on me - I wanted 2009 to end in happiness because my wife is awesome.

No, she's never been one to want 'shine in the spotlight' but very few people know the pure gold this woman truly is. Yes, every husband SHOULD say that about their wives, but I've been fortunate to glimpse into the beauty of her soul.

Michele certainly has her grandmother's faith. A quiet, noble, dignify spirit about her. She rarely draws attention to herself, but deep down there is a passionate woman about things that matter her. I love watching her eyes blaze about issues that she cares deeply about or situations related to injustices. There's a tough realist in her which if you ever pout, or whine you'll find little sympathy but a swift butt kick to get your act together.

Yet, when poverty or the cold winter of life cause tragic or trials to a person you'll never guess she was behind those prayers for you. Those thoughts and that heart beseeching on your behalf - I've seen my wife quietly pray over her list of people ranging from cancer fighters to people who just need a hug from God.

My wife is the reason for 'crazy giving': I've seen her sacrifice so she can send more money to children. My wife will give up whatever it takes to give and in our marriage she has been the heartbeat of us a couple to charity we support. What we gave in some years caused me to pee my pants like a first grader, but her continual faithfulness and wisdom have brought us financial stability because of her we live a more balanced life of not spending money on things that don't matter.

Michele through out this trial never compromised her faith. She has been stronger than even me. She whispered to me, "We have the joy of the Lord." That statement is startling because I've seen her humanity and faith mixed, but her integrity of our faith and what is true has never been shaken. She's more than ready to admit we need something more than 'inner strength' in life. Her inner character just blew me away this year. She has a strength that is like a flower upon a windy hill bending but not breaking. This year I've leaned on her for comfort and strength.

My wife is strong and consistent, but she's not as predictable as you think: twice in my life she shocked me. One was the year after we're married and we were talking about vacationing and her eyes sparkled like a child as she smirked, "Let's see if we can get into a cage and play with the Great White." The only "Great White" I know was the meat-loving predator that inspired fear with it's razor teeth and supreme hunting skills: SHARK. Yup, when most dudes would just make a mess in their pants my wife wants to snuggle up with a killer for vacation. The other thing that she wanted to do before she got pregnant was doing the most crazy thing: jumping out of a perfectly mechanically-sound plane for fun. Yup, skydiving.

In all this, the trials have d stripped the distractions of life and put a clarity in my vision of my wife.

She's a great gift. People look at us and may see me in the spotlight, but she's the better half of our marriage. She hides my flaws and makes me look good. I honestly know what a privilege, and honor it is to be her husband. She quietly loves me without pomp or circumstance: for crying out, this woman is so careful with our money she refused to buy clothes to save money. She wore the same jeans since college, and I'm sure she looks just as lovely as she is now as then. I finally put my foot down and said with a smile, "We are going out with several hundred dollars to update your wardrobe sweetie because you deserve it and you need some pampering."

I'm very fortunate she came into my life. That's why the monthly flowers, the little notes and butterfly kisses I give is just a small token of my deep, deep gratitude of blessing this amazing woman is to me.

Michele Ann, you are amazing, and as I keep this blog alive for our kids and our grandchildren may it continually be a testament to the world of who we are and what holds us together.

**

I miss you

2009-11-24T09:58:00.003-06:00

You know how you hear things...and you shake it off thinking it's not like that? That doubt, or that consternation of you knowing better?

That phrase, "...a breaking heart." is more real to me now.

My heart DOES break. I drove actually feeling GRIEF in a physical manner I've never felt before.

I miss you my child.

I miss wanting to hold you with eyes welling with tears of joy, I miss the opportunity to kiss your forehead as daddy says goodnight, I miss most of all the opportunity to hold you gazing into your eyes wondering if you look like dad or mom?

***

Finding the loss of my child, I do feel physical pain. I've been trying not to think about it because there's too much work to be done. But when vacation starts...I know it's like a glass heart: the moments of life strikes it and then a fissures starts this spider web of cracks.

That spider web of crack will grow and then you feel more of each day. I find myself losing to moments of grief. It comes and goes.

The loss this time is great. If things went accordingly to my plans: Michele and I would be the proud parents of two children. Instead, we're left staring into the room with a crib, changing station and rocker with no child to lay down to sleep.

It was OUR child. The fruition of commitment, love and the blessing of family.

Instead this winter I stare down winter's path accompanied by howling winds standing in the cold.

Yesterday my first born was suppose to greet us, instead we feel death's chill upon us. This one I am afraid weighs on my heart more heavy than the first.

My heart does break more and more each day.

Yet, whatever we desire, feel, or ache...I know God feels more. More power, more wisdom, more joy, and more grief. He knows us. He always knows more: more laughs, more joy, more anger, more sorrow, more patience, more mercy.

Yet, it doesn't change or erase the sorrows that I feel.

...looking UP

2009-11-21T12:35:00.005-06:00

Through it all, I am glad to have my Michele...

Baby R Us

2009-11-12T08:32:00.003-06:00

...ever waited for that school bell to signal the END OF SCHOOL and the beginning of summer?

...ever wait on Christmas morning to get up to presents and the warm atmosphere of the holidays with family and friends?

...ever feel like that scene in Apollo 13 when the entire nation waited to see if the three astronauts would make it back alive?

Yah, that's how I felt when the nurse scoped during the ultra-sound last week and said nothing.

I looked at my wife and we waited. And waited.

I closed my eyes briefly, and silently prayed, Please God, not again.

The nurse check the fallopian tube and then the ovaries on the machine once again. She said nothing. Then she repeated that first scene still in my head when we learned that we had an ectopic pregnancy: constant key movements, and zooming in-out of images of the ultra-sound machine.

Finally, the nurse said something, "Yes...I think we see something." I blinked.

The nurse smiled, "...it's small, but it's there."

We learned we were going to be parents. I blinked away a tear as my throat tighten: a miracle.

Thank you God.

Afterwards I quietly walked with my wife and stared at her face - she was glowing. I kissed her gently on her cheek, "Mother of my child, I love you."

(and that my child is how your journey began: with a miracle)

Jump start

2009-11-12T04:25:00.003-06:00

I look at my heart moving casually in this life,
Pulsating dull, forgetting what God has done,
Moving through the motion of humanity,
Let me see through the sea of faces,
The eyes of the One who told eternity to me,

To see the eyes of love on that Hill,
Plunge me deep, to that place once again,
Let me run the distance of that width,
I want to climb the height so much more,

Oh the deep, deep love.
The love of Jesus;
The deep, deep love.

I know there's more than to this life,
Than glittering toys or fading pleasures,
Caught in the net of broken dreams,
I hear the faint whisper while in my darkness,
The strong voice of a God who loves us so,

Oh, you beckon me to come and see,
That river of life poured out for me,
Free and full of grace and all of you,
My heart swells once more to shout,

Oh the deep, deep love.
The love of Jesus;
The deep, deep love.

I see it once again from my wilderness,
A vision once dull, now so clear,
The eyes of my King and the marks of His love,
My heart exalts in Him once again,
There is none so lovely, bright or so pure,

You brought me from shades of night,
Clothed and adopted as a son of light,
Oh the deep thanks of tears begins to flow,
From this grateful heart to the one I own,
You are my King, forever I am yours.

(Written at 4:10am Thursday)

No matter how you slice it...

2009-10-27T06:52:00.004-06:00

This morning I woke up to after twelve hours of driving to a helpless sight: seeing my wife look at me with tears welling in her eyes.

"I think it's another ectopic pregnancy." MIchele went on to explain her theories and deep in my heart we have only a slim chance of pulling this thing off because the doctors already called with some bad prognosis.

I know it's going to be a difficult day for her. It's going to weigh on her mind all day. She'll see kids and she's hearing how everyone is pregnant with healthy babies, but us. This is our second try this year and the first time around, Michele almost lost her life.

I am sitting this morning don't know what to think: it's both overcast and gloomy. I just want to hold my wife and that's it. I got no words to say. There's nothing to say. I know the pain of this prognosis is alright: it means we 'feel' life. Life is of joy and pain - and pain reminds me that somewhere along this blue, and greens spinning globe this isn't the 'end all' of life.

Makes me ache for relief and closure. It drives me towards something, but my heart rests with my wife. I chat with God alot during this time. People offer their best, but there's nothing like knowing God is there.

Yet, I am reminded right now my heart just aches for my love: there's nothing more humbling than watching the tears roll down your wife's face and there's nothing you can do to stop the rain.

Hope

2009-10-12T08:11:00.003-06:00

You truly can't live without hope.

Hope is indeed the driving catalyst of life. You don't raise your children with the expectation they'll turn out to be hooked on crack without a job. You don't go to work without the expectation of being paid and advancing somewhere. You don't wait for that email from that cute girl without the expectation of going out with her. Finally, you don't hold out in a concentration camp without the expectation of freedom.

It's ironic in life we live by faith on a daily basis because regardless if you are religious in nature or not, deep within us we long for differenct results, or change. We are built to long for something better.

Yet, if you take God entirely out of the picture and admit life is so much you can control you are living by faith everyday.

Living without hope will kill you - read about former concentration camp prisoners who died simply because they lost the expectation of getting out. Their hope was killed. Or today, people applying for jobs and being turned down hundreds of times are now depressed because they concluded it's over.

When it's 'over' your heart dies.

There must always be hope. Our previous U.S. election was about that. People were tired of the war, the economy and wanted change. They hope for something better.

But there's only so much a man can do. Even the president of the United States cannot lift you out of a personal family grief or even a lost job.

The real question is: what is the true Promiser of humanity's hope? Presidents die and at best your hope is eight years. Companies change and your hope of retirement is gone. Troubles come and boy, do they - where's hope when personal trials and grief rolls in like a tidal wave?

Fact is we need hope. We live by hope.

That's why on a daily basis I EXPECT change and that expectation's strength is only as good as the person you put your faith into. It can't be temporary. No one buys a life insurance policy for five years and nobody makes retirement plans that works until you're seventy.

We need lasting hope, I know I do. I can't live with a mere ten years of hope or even twenty. Life would be depressing.

How about hope that last for an eternity?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3

A Brutal Love

2009-10-12T08:08:00.001-06:00

What do you say to a sight of the warm embrace of a mother and child?
Does not your heart move to the scene a love story on the big screen,
It surround us so with the love of life that we see and breathe,
Yet the greatest and most mysterious is not the love of Calvary?

The pounding of the hammer, blood down the wooden beam...
It's a brutal love for you and me, it's a brutal love for you and me

Ponder the silence of the Father's heart sending his joy to us,
Only to see the coldness of our rejection and the shield of our illusion,
A collision of two worlds - truth for lies, humility moves against our pride,
While we walk in our sorrow down that long path with death in our eyes,

The Father lets him go to a screaming humanity wanting our ways,
Lift him high we cried, we reject this offering of hope and joy,
Heaven weeps a shower upon the earth to wash her clean,
For a people so desperately lost in a myriad of broken dreams,

The pounding of the hammer, blood down the wooden beam...
It's a brutal love for you and me, it's a brutal love for you and me

(driving in the rain, i could not keep out 'brutal love' in my mind, and want to remember that we must forget a love so mysterious, wonderful, beautiful and brutal)

Fruit cake and the love of God

2009-09-06T14:42:00.003-06:00

I remember getting a fruitcake for Christmas. It's probably on everyone's list of elephant gifts. How many false, "Oh, this is what I really wanted." or "Thannnnk you so much." appreciation acting we've committed masking our true contempt of fruitcake. This strange European tease of filling a perfectly normal sponge cake with reject fruit and letting it firm up with a texture like it's been sitting in a morgue for a year...then giving it to people?

Which leads me to this: what happens if your gift got rejected even more than Christmas fruitcake?

I heard a great point at church today and it DOES relate. Only God can love people. Loving other people takes the power of God. It's not possible to love others without be connected to another source that doesn't exist on earth.

That makes sense: the idea of 'everybody getting along' or a utopian society is a wash, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We are all made differently and sooner or later you'll get someone who simply doesn't like you for any reason. The world certainly declares our disdain with God and we even let Him know it in our small ways.

God truly loves the world and He demonstrates it daily to us because we as a species shun Him, mock Him, and take His name in vain. Bang your thumb, use His name. Someone cuts you off, bring up his name. You ever noticed we don't go "Oh Zen!" or "Oh Scientology!". Nope, all around the world, it's almost like the whole world convened together and decided to really get God irate by really messing with His name.

Or what about life's events: when bad things happen, everyone goes, "Why God?" but you get a raise, or see the birth of your child, "Thank you God!". Noooo. When bad things happen, everyone is quick to blame, or cry out a deal with God, but once that passes by we go on our merry way.

And that's just the tiny ways we show our contempt.

But God holds His voice, and demonstrates Grace to us, the whole world on a daily fashion. Last time I checked I didn't see a man dying from a hail of fire when the man used God's name in vain. Of course, God takes his grace further with a gift called Calvary. The demonstration of true love: another person dying for you. The gift and offer of life that is entirely without strings.

Which is where Christmas and fruitcakes come together. Generally people consider Calvary an option - like fruitcake.

Of course some people exclaim, "I don't want that gift, I never asked God to die for me." Wow. I doubt if I'll ever hear that type of response in Iraq, "Nice work buddy, but I never asked you to take that bullet for me though."

We don't even stop to ask, why? At least let me really ask God and really find out if this is the real deal.

People take FRUITCAKES for Christmas from other people with that cheap smile yet, we have the idea to reject God's love so casually? Wow. If someone was offering to give you a life-saving liver transplant, and you had the option of that or fruitcake, you'll ACTUALLY take the fruitcake? Honestly! The fruitcake?!!

Yes, it does take a lot of divine power to love this species called people.

How else can you explained loving a species that loves Christmas fruitcake more than you?

Random thoughts....

2009-09-06T14:22:00.002-06:00

Just the other day I saw a little girl with her mother. It struck me. Hard. It struck me hard: the loss of my child still lingers. The funny thing is I know I lost a baby girl. I can't explain why, or how, but I know I lost a little girl. One tries not to dwell on it too much, but that moment the idea of picking up a little girl that looks like my wife and a little bit of me really tore me inside. Walking a few steps, lost in my own thoughts I blinked away a tear.

I don't feel sorry for myself or my wife, and I don't ask "Why?". Life happens and it's not without reason. I take great comfort in that, but it doesn't negate the sorrow, or loss. Loss is difficult, and I'll never minimize it. Then I think of all the good fathers who love their kids and then get really angry at the fathers who don't realize how big a gift they have.

I'm a girl's daddy, always will be.

**

Ok, I admit it. The P90x system is the most challenging, most addicting workout system I've encounter. I'm not completely vain; I do like being in shape, but the biggest thing is I want to be there for my wife and my kids. If we ever have kids, I'll be way old starting out and I know the average male's longevity is less than my wife. My wife joked if I ever died she'll abandon her organic and exercising way to speed her way to death, but at the rate which we eat, and exercise we should be ok, by the grace of God.

People need to wake up: you can get away a lot in your twenties abusing your body with a poor diet and without exercising, but it will catch up to you. The statistics and studies prove it: you can live healthier, longer and be more happier exercising. Many Americans will develop type-2 diabetes from diet alone. Our busy life-style is slow killing us. (Interesting fact: the Chinese character for 'busy' is two Chinese characters 'kill' and 'heart') Without the proper value of eating together and cooking together we are literally killing ourselves pumping sodium and corn syrup into our system.

Health Care - address the rising costs first before fixing the system

2009-08-20T17:28:00.011-06:00

I believe in a health care tier system that is not just simply universal coverage, but a health PLAN and MOVEMENT.

Money thrown at any problem without some thought and some serious planning will just be money wasted. With the current health plan: I don't like it because it's the SPEED of it's planning and not the planners themselves. It's like Bill Gate's view of charity: you won't get any money unless you show me results and a return.

I know throwing a trillion dollars anywhere will encourage fraud and abuse of the system, that's exactly why I am not happy with the SPEED of the Democrats RUSH to implement this system. Moving too fast without serious thought doesn't happen in less than a year.

It's this 'trigger happy' mentality, like the stimulus package, that have 60% of Americans thinking the stimulus didn't do squat. The true results can't be measured, but people are doubtful and rightfully so. Whether it's Republicans throwing a trillion or Demomcrats we all should raise a stink for accountability and demand it's effectiveness and that entails planning.

I hope the government is addressing the reason why health care is so expensive first.

WHAT I LIKE THE GOVERNMENT TO SEE ADDRESS OFF THE BAT (besides taking some time to think about HOW THEY PLAN TO OVERHAUL HEALTH CARE)

1) For working families (e.g. like a single mother with children with three jobs) I think health care should be subsidized for the coverage of families by the Federal and State government). Any parent working two jobs should be be covered - by the government and tax payers (I'd be willing to see that through). This group should not be penalized when they are truly trying to make it. Children should never suffer from hunger, or the lack of health coverage regardless of their household's ability to afford it. It's our way of helping preserve the family and protecting America's future by investing in our children.
RESULT: protecting America's future - her children

2) Stricter accountability: If you have a history of laziness, and you are not willing to work and are able - no health care. You're on your own. You will always have a group who kills the system because they 'leech' off the system. I honestly believe if you are capable of working and you don't do it: you don't deserve food or health care. Get off your behind and work. Also establish an internal audit system that is done by outside companies, not the government.
RESULT: you don't have the choir telling you how great of a job you are doing.

3) Doctors and hospitals should be protected more from lawsuits with a maximum amount you can be sued for and number of times they are sued. We can't be willy-nilly about bad doctors like Michael Jackson's doctor (what a shame!!!) either. Tighter regulations and regular standardized testing should be nationally implemented. Increasing the number of qualified doctors will drop the number of lawsuits and give credence to a cap-limit on lawsuits. Doctors who are bad should be allowed to bring their abilities up to standard or be barred for life from practicing medicine.
RESULT: less money for attorneys, but lower costs for everyone.

4) Increase scholarships/funding for students across the nation to build up the number of doctors, nurses and workers in our hospitals. If you have someone who truly wants to be a doctor for healing as a career(not cosmetic surgery doctors) you should have every opportunity for it. RESULT: Health care is a commodity and you must increase the supply side to meet the demand. This will offset sky rocketing costs because you have 1 doctor for every 500 people currently and you can raise that total to 10 doctors per 500. RESULT: more doctors, nurses means lower bills and greater access to health care for all.

5) Elderly or older Americans regardless of work history, or income should be able to find health care in this country. You should live your golden years with dignity and care. In Asian countries the children, and grandchildren do this, and China has no nationalized health care system, the point is this: Americans should be able to live their golden years with a sense of dignity. This should be a national policy and will give a higher regard for life. We don't throw away our elderly Americans.

6) A national movement of health and exercise centers across the United States. People are less and less educated about food and exercise than before. I think it's because of our busy lifestyle we don't stop to cook anymore and we rely on cheap, easy microwave food that is stored in plastic that seeps chemicals and preservatives that is slowly killing our body (like drinking a drop of arsenic everyday). RESULT: reduce the cost of health care and the strain of providing health care for 'self-induced' health problems and shifting it to 'priority' patients. Granted, not every case is the same for someone with health problems (some obese patients have emotional problems and they turn to food), but food is only a coping mechanism and not the solution to our problems.

7) Simplify the billing system. Who truly understands them? RESULT: Less fraud, and easier to read. A complex system always give reason to 'false experts'.

8) A paradigm shift of addressing the root of our health problems and educating doctors on the importance of nutrition. Doctors all agree: they PRACTICE medicine. That means sometimes they 'try' different methods and they don't entirely work. Sometimes they throw a dozen pills until they find out it works. I've never had a doctor ask, "You have this rash - what changed in your diet or environment?"

The doctor put me through half-dozen creams and pills and gave up. IT was only a herbal specialist that solve the SOURCE of the problem. If you're tired and you weigh two hundred pounds more than you should - changing your diet and exercising is only the first part, but what emotionally BROUGHT you to that state?

9) View food for what it is: it's to be enjoyed and a source of fuel. We have made food a 'time waster' and something that must be integrated into our busy lives. It's not. It's an opportunity to enjoy food for what it is: eating it with friends and family. I love the Europeans: they sit down for two hours and converse. We've allowed food to be 'cheapen' and we will now allow all sorts of junk to go into our bodies for the sake of speed and convenience. For your own sakes spend time with someone who loves to cook and you'll find one of the deep treasures of life: a meal with someone you care about.

Myths about a Conservative

2009-08-17T10:22:00.002-06:00

A Republican Mind - for my kids and others...

I look at politics today and I see too much internal bickering.

I'll be the first to break the ice: I like President Obama and I still do, but I don't agree with President Obama on everything. The things I like about Obama is he has the potential to be the first president to heal race relationships. He was raised by a white grandmother that was very dear to his heart yet he has an idea of what black Americans go through at the same time. He also knows the sacred role of fatherhood because his own father wasn't there for him.

President Obama has a demeanor that gives a sense of dignity and elegance back to the White House, yet he is still very much seen a regular 'joe'. You can see his humor, his love as a father and husband as well. In many ways, he looks more like a president than Bush. There's thing I disagree with Obama, but that's not what this paragraph is about - it's about what I like about him besides Obama is a big hoops fan.

Myths one I like to break, I hope Obama succeeds. A failed American presidential office is a failure to the country as a whole. I am not a conservative who is wants to 'win' by cheering the failure of a political party that I don't affiliate with. If our president succeeds in turning this economy, health care, or the Afghanistan war I'll be the first to cheer him on.

If you are Republican who is hoping for the failure of a Democrat or vice versa you are simply not an American. It's not American to cheer the failure of people. Americans believe in striving towards success. Also you don't 'hate' people in politics. Hatred is reserved for child molesters, rapists and people who exterminate on a large scale where there is a need for justice. There is no political office holder who warrants the feeling of hatred unless it's someone who pulls a Benedict Arnold. Dislike, displeasure..yes. I am truly sadden when politics brings such emotions whether love or hate to a president in Americans on both fronts.

Honestly Bush didn't bring me as much joy as much as my wife, my friends or family. Obama has never hurt me like a bully in Jr. High or the anger I felt listening to the story of a woman raped at twelve by her father-in-law (these are things that warrants hot-anger for justice). It simply has no place: we love our presidents and hate them too much when we've never personally have been afflicted or blessed by them as much as family. I liken it to sports fans. Unless you worked for them or on the team, when was the last time the any sports team CHANGED YOUR LIFE more than your friends or family? So why get so touchy-feely about it?

Another myth: We don't love war. We are willing to fight wars because we believe evil exists. To this day, I don't believe there's a good reason President Bush should have pulled us into Iraq, Afghanistan yes. 9/11 is seared into my mind that evil exists in a real manner, yet today some Democrats don't talk about Afghanistan that much why? As an American I want to win Afghanistan, we didn't start the war, but we need to finish it.

I also believe this: generations of Americans living in America without the sight of Communism, or the loss of freedom have dulled the American vision of what freedom truly mean.

I say this because my father immigrated from China escaping the literal horrors of watching people die simply for being intelligent (during Communism purging of intellectualism - akin to the Nazis burning books). My father told me, "This United States is a great country. You can come here poor, work hard and live your life, raise your family without fear and in dignity." He also reminded me to defend and bleed for this country that adopted us and to be loyal to her because he KNEW evil and he saw evil's hand ( he didn't mean the people of China because he sent back money during the earthquakes in China a year ago).

I don't blame other Americans for this perspective because it's prone to our nature to forget and take for granted what we have. If it's not our country, it's our spouse, or friends. I'm not better than those who forgot, I simply had a father who spoke about it with deep passion because he lived without freedom - and all the intellectualism and debate of why America should not spend so much on defense will never out-debate my father's tears telling me how precious freedom is because he once LIVED WITHOUT IT. I never heard of a poor immigrant coming from a country ruled by a despot question as much as Americans do about why we need to go to war because they lived in world where the government wasn't able to defend her from evil. President Reagan had a huge defense budget and he was accused of being a war-monger, but he never pulled us into a full-scale war in his term ( I don't consider Granada a 'war').

Another myth, I don't believe in the infallibility of my party affiliation. President Bush poured way too much money into Iraq and ignored the economic conditions of the United States too long. As Americans we spend more than we make and he should have stepped up to the plate and say, 'Grow up' to us and the government. The Bush administration spent recklessly. I think Iraq was a mistake because to this day I cannot rationalize with my party about Iraq. Afghanistan was different: children and the people of the United States died. I've also debated with my Conservative friends on many fronts and I consider myself a 'Liberterian' more than 'Republican' now.

In the end, I am holding politics with a lighter grip. It's not divine, it's not a part of the fabric of my being. When I die it doesn't matter. What matters is we all = one day will be held accountable for our lives, our views and more importantly how we love.

Politics are like sports. Lots of money and emotions, but at the end of the day does it make a personal impact in your life as much as we like to believe?

Myths about a Conservative

2009-08-17T10:22:00.000-06:00

A Republican Mind - for my kids and others...

I look at politics today and I see too much internal bickering.

I'll be the first to break the ice: I like President Obama and I still do, but I don't agree with President Obama on everything. The things I like about Obama is he has the potential to be the first president to heal race relationships. He was raised by a white grandmother that was very dear to his heart yet he has an idea of what black Americans go through at the same time. He also knows the sacred role of fatherhood because his own father wasn't there for him.

President Obama has a demeanor that gives a sense of dignity and elegance back to the White House, yet he is still very much seen a regular 'joe'. You can see his humor, his love as a father and husband as well. In many ways, he looks more like a president than Bush. There's thing I disagree with Obama, but that's not what this paragraph is about - it's about what I like about him besides Obama is a big hoops fan.

Myths one I like to break, I hope Obama succeeds. A failed American presidential office is a failure to the country as a whole. I am not a conservative who is wants to 'win' by cheering the failure of a political party that I don't affiliate with. If our president succeeds in turning this economy, health care, or the Afghanistan war I'll be the first to cheer him on.

If you are Republican who is hoping for the failure of a Democrat or vice versa you are simply not an American. It's not American to cheer the failure of people. Americans believe in striving towards success. Also you don't 'hate' people in politics. Hatred is reserved for child molesters, rapists and people who exterminate on a large scale where there is a need for justice. There is no political office holder who warrants the feeling of hatred unless it's someone who pulls a Benedict Arnold. Dislike, displeasure..yes. I am truly sadden when politics brings such emotions whether love or hate to a president in Americans on both fronts.

Honestly Bush didn't bring me as much joy as much as my wife, my friends or family. Obama has never hurt me like a bully in Jr. High or the anger I felt listening to the story of a woman raped at twelve by her father-in-law (these are things that warrants hot-anger for justice). It simply has no place: we love our presidents and hate them too much when we've never personally have been afflicted or blessed by them as much as family. I liken it to sports fans. Unless you worked for them or on the team, when was the last time the any sports team CHANGED YOUR LIFE more than your friends or family? So why get so touchy-feely about it?

Another myth: We don't love war. We are willing to fight wars because we believe evil exists. To this day, I don't believe there's a good reason President Bush should have pulled us into Iraq, Afghanistan yes. 9/11 is seared into my mind that evil exists in a real manner, yet today some Democrats don't talk about Afghanistan that much why? As an American I want to win Afghanistan, we didn't start the war, but we need to finish it.

I also believe this: generations of Americans living in America without the sight of Communism, or the loss of freedom have dulled the American vision of what freedom truly mean.

I say this because my father immigrated from China escaping the literal horrors of watching people die simply for being intelligent (during Communism purging of intellectualism - akin to the Nazis burning books). My father told me, "This United States is a great country. You can come here poor, work hard and live your life, raise your family without fear and in dignity." He also reminded me to defend and bleed for this country that adopted us and to be loyal to her because he KNEW evil and he saw evil's hand ( he didn't mean the people of China because he sent back money during the earthquakes in China a year ago).

I don't blame other Americans for this perspective because it's prone to our nature to forget and take for granted what we have. If it's not our country, it's our spouse, or friends. I'm not better than those who forgot, I simply had a father who spoke about it with deep passion because he lived without freedom - and all the intellectualism and debate of why America should not spend so much on defense will never out-debate my father's tears telling me how precious freedom is because he once LIVED WITHOUT IT. I never heard of a poor immigrant coming from a country ruled by a despot question as much as Americans do about why we need to go to war because they lived in world where the government wasn't able to defend her from evil. President Reagan had a huge defense budget and he was accused of being a war-monger, but he never pulled us into a full-scale war in his term ( I don't consider Granada a 'war').

Another myth, I don't believe in the infallibility of my party affiliation. President Bush poured way too much money into Iraq and ignored the economic conditions of the United States too long. As Americans we spend more than we make and he should have stepped up to the plate and say, 'Grow up' to us and the government. The Bush administration spent recklessly. I think Iraq was a mistake because to this day I cannot rationalize with my party about Iraq. Afghanistan was different: children and the people of the United States died. I've also debated with my Conservative friends on many fronts and I consider myself a 'Liberterian' more than 'Republican' now.

In the end, I am holding politics with a lighter grip. It's not divine, it's not a part of the fabric of my being. When I die it doesn't matter. What matters is all of one day will be held accountable for our lives, our views and more importantly how we love.

Disovery

2009-07-29T12:27:00.001-06:00

We saw a fertility specialist.

Michele's remaining fallopian tube is not right. It's not 'ideal for pregnancy', it's not blocked, but could be in the future. No one knows for sure. It also INCREASES the chances of another ectopic pregnancy. There's a chance for pregnancy, but it will be difficult, and after that she must pass the ectopic scenario - another risk.

There are a few alternatives and we are going to sit down and talk about it.

From a personal note - the news is a downer. Michele is turning 37 - not old in my book, but for babies it's getting there.

The time frame of us personally having children is closing a bit more every year. No doubt, I believe in miracles (God can do all things), but there's a part of me and Michele that was truly hurt by the news. I think the rewards of marriage: children and the legacy of family is something every couple desires. This news almost bookends to some old wounds from our ectopic pregnancy (f you never heard of it, investigate it for the sake of your wife/self).

After losing our child in the ectopic pregnancy - I can't help but feel a bit pained by the news. Both of us always wanted children, but now we're in 'no man's' land. We're taking a deep breath as to what we want to do next, but if you have children count your blessing. Walking through this road of questions is painful.

My advice to those who are young, have your children now - don't wait God willing. As you get older your chances are slimmer and riskier. We put ourselves into God's hands. This is a reminder of God's will and resting in it. It's not easy, it's painful at times, but God never said it was easy. In times like this you must truly rely upon God. Throw yourselves completely into his hands and just rest in that.

I think this news today really hit me hard: I've been made to be a dad. Wanting that role. Adoption is our on radar, but we shall see what God has in store.

Mother's Day tears

2009-05-11T09:37:00.003-06:00

It was Sunday morning, Mother's Day at our church.

All the kids were lining up do their special performance, and I saw 1/3 of my 2nd grade class up there.

One of the girls starts waving in our direction. There she was with glasses, shoulder-length hair, a ball of enthusiasm and a bright smile shrugging her shoulders constantly like a 2nd grader should. She was among my 'favorites' because she reminded me so much of the daughter I might have had. The glasses, the personality and the smile.

My wife looked at each other and behind us: the girl's parents were not behind us but far left to us.

Then I realized it: the girl was waving to us.

I started to wee - I knew in my heart that I lost a little girl. For some reason, I knew it was my little girl.

My thoughts turned to wife: she was suppose to be a mother on this day, instead she would watch other mother's being appreciated and we would be just a married couple.

I knew it was hard for her, but when that little girl waved to me I wept because it was as if God said, "I know your loss."

Through that little girl waving to us, I felt like my little girl was waving down to me from heaven.

Michele wept seeing a girl dancing around the church at the end of the time. She whispered to me, "She's so happy running and dancing. I see our child doing that in heaven."

To my little girl: when I look to heaven - daddy knew you waved at him. Thanks sweetie-pie.

2nd Chance Love

2009-05-03T06:37:00.002-06:00

I looked at my wife MIchele the other day and realized something.

You got a second chance buddy.

Sometimes, in life you look back with regrets. Maybe it was something you could have done, should have changed, or wished for something different.

I realized I was given another second chance in life. Maybe even more. I made my share of mistakes, my share of stupid things and somehow, some way I have to credit God with another chance.

Another chance to cherish the moments I've been given.

Another chance to make an impact in this world.

Another chance to be a better husband and push myself even more.

It's a second chance to love, serve, aspire...

I saw that because you are gifted - yes, that's right: gifted to see life anew. Too many times we minor on the majors, and major on the minors and we let life slip away.

Trials and Miracles

2009-04-24T11:51:00.002-06:00

Some may not know it, but my wife experienced a near-death incident.

Her fallopian tube ruptured this past Monday. Never in my life was I as scared as I was.

I rushed her to the hospital and it really hit me seeing her legs shake from the pain.
My wife went into shock and temporary hyper-ventillation.
Later that afternoon we found she had to undergo emergency surgery.

Michele almost died from the ectopic pregnancy.
Every couple expecting should educate themselves on this.
It can happen to any woman, any age, and at any time.

Our doctor said they don't know why it happens, but it does.
It's when the fertilized egg doesn't implant in the uterus, but inside
the fallopian tube. When that happens the baby will not survive, but
it puts the mother's life in danger because of massive bleeding when
the fetal tissue grows larger than the capacity of the tube.

My wife lost half her blood supply because the fetal tissue grew
around the a blood vessel and during the operation they couldn't
stop the bleeding.

Thankfully, and miraculously she came out ok. It has been a long
two weeks, but it gave me some insights.

1) Tell others about ectopic pregnancies - it's serious stuff
2) Life is short, and I almost lost my wife and it made me cheerish moments more
3) When death is at your door, you find out what your values are
4) God has blessed us with great friends, a terrific family and a
awesome home church
6) Buy yourself a strobe light, it'll help you get to emergencies faster.
It's legal and people respect the strobe.

True Love Story

2009-04-23T21:54:00.005-06:00

The girl in the picture is Katie Kirkpatrick, she is 21.
Next to her, her fiancé, Nick, 23.
The picture wastaken shortly before their wedding ceremony,
held on January 11, 2005 in the US. Katie has terminal cancer and
spend hours a day receiving medication.

In the picture, Nick is waiting for her on one of the many sessions of chemo to end.

In spite of all the pain, organ failures, and morphine shots,
Katie is going along with her wedding and
took care of every detail. The dress had to be adjusted a
few times due to her constant weight loss.

An unusual accessory at the party was the oxygen tube that Katie used
throughout the ceremony and reception as well.
The other couple in the picture are Nick’s parents.
Excited to see her son marrying his high school sweetheart.

At the reception, Katie had to take a few rests.
The pain does not allow her to be standing up for long periods.

Katie died five days after her wedding day.
Watching a woman so ill and weak getting married and with a smile
on her face makes us think…..

Happiness is reachable, no matter how long it last.
We should stop making our lives complicated.

Life is short
Break the rules
forgive quickly
kiss passionately, love truly
laugh constantly
And never stop smiling
no matter how strange life is
Life is not always the party we expected to be
but as long as we are here,
we should smile and be grateful.

..goodbye my child

2009-04-18T11:51:00.005-06:00

That's why I know a heaven exists.

One day I will see you again, but today I say goodbye to you, my child.

You were so small, just beginning life - conceived and wonderfully made - and now you're gone. I think I am missing you so much because mom and I were looking so much to holding you, feeling your little fingers wrap around our finger, and looking into your eyes.

I was even looking forward to changing diapers, just a bit.

I will miss the opportunity to hear your giggles, to see your smile, and cradle you in my arms as you fall asleep.

I will miss so many opportunities seeing you...but you have to go now.

Go now, I will always love you. Play in the clouds, chase the angels, fly high, listen to the music.. I know God is waiting for you.

Go now, but..remember I will always love you.... my child.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4AtDCVa5xE&feature=related

Daddy

Susan Boyle

2009-04-15T08:23:00.003-06:00

Ok it's been 24 hours, and Susan Boyle is still on my mind.

Why?

• It woke me up from cynical thought. A frumpy, single, and unabashed woman with a voice like an angel.

• Bravery. At 47 to be putting yourself out like that - with little pretension - and blowing away people like that takes courage.

• Still dreaming. Against all the pundits, Susan still dreams her dream.

• Gift. To hear her sing, was a real privilege and honor. I don't care how she looks - in this packaged society of always opening the best looking package we are truly misled and shortchange our lives.

• Weighing our hearts. You see her, and you're surprised. What does that tell you about your bigotry, or presuppositions?

If you didn't see it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY&feature=bz303

The case for beauty disguised

2009-04-14T07:45:00.005-06:00

I saw her.

Susan Boyle, this frumpy, unemployed and ordinary 47 year-old on the television show of 'Britain's Got Talent'.

All the judges, and audience members with me oozed a cynical nature. Then Susan opened her mouth. Jaws dropped as beauty rushed out of the lungs of this woman giving her rendition of Les Miserbales. Even Simon Cowel, the sarcastic Brit, was literally enraptured with the beauty of this woman's voice.

It got me thinking of beauty disguised. How long was Susan overlooked because she failed the standard of beauty in this world? Did not her parents recognized it? Did not her classmates, teachers or neighbors see it?

Then it got me to thinking about beauty and bigotry. If it doesn't meet our standards then we simply write it off. Christians write off people who 'don't measure to their morality scale'. School boys write off girls who don't look like the pop star they see on television, and society writes off our elderly.

This world forgotten about true beauty and that beauty echoes pass time.

The beauty of bravery: the legend of the battle of Spartans who defended against the Persians. It was an ugly battle but the beauty of nobility echoes. You don't hear about stories of cowards, you hear about men who gave their lives for freedom.

The beauty of a wrinkly nun called Mother Teresa who embedded herself with the poor and ugly - serving and loving. When she died heads of states came out to honor her. You don't see heads of state come out to a model's funeral.

BEAUTY DISGUISED

Jesus was just as ordinary. The scriptures said he would have been easily overlooked because there wasn't any beautiful about him, but if you looked hard and have your eyes opened...what a discovery!

Jesus saw you as beauty disguised because he turns our ashes into beauty. He chases the 'Susan Boyles' of today - you and I - except you and I don't even have a voice to draw Him to us.

Prison row

2009-04-10T09:04:00.003-06:00

Found pages from a diary...

Tuesday - September 1
I'm bored, and mad. Sitting in prison here. I hate the guards. They look at me with their condemning eyes and sneer when they hand me the meal. Prison guards come to that place where they look down on you even more with each passing week and they treat you like an animal. So I act like one: one day one of them dropped my meal of slop and I jumped him. I pounded my fists into him and used his helmet against him - I lost it that day. It was building up. Got a good beating for it, and the straw is caked in dried blood from me lying on it - passed out for a week.

Saturday - Sept 15
The beating still hurts, but the guard said something to me that made me want to pull his sword and gut him like a fish: "...good news - you're leaving soon. You got a date with death next year." I cursed him and screamed all sorts of vile things against his family. He laughed it off as he lifted his beer in a mock toast to me.

April 1
Life sucks. I was so angry the last few months. My date with death is coming. I now go to sleep lying in my filth, and recently my tears. I feel bad - what life have I lived? Alone and crying silently in this cell waiting death.

April 3
Not a good day. I just blew my top - cussed everyone out, got the prison all cursing me - even the prisoners. Three guards had to come in and they beat the crap out of me. I managed to pull off a small knife and really jacked one guard in the thigh. One guard took off his hemet and sent some teeth flying out of my bloody mouth. The blood on the stone wall is my reminder...looks like the pattern of a crow with a broken wing.

April 5
I don't want to die. It's scary to be alone. You could beat your chest pretending the world can't hold you down, but I confess I'm really scared.

April 9
New prisoner came in, heard of him. Only stories, but has caused quite a stir in prison. Heard he has special powers....

April 10
The crowds look at me while the sun bakes my skin. Strangest thing, they keep coming back to really rail and just jack up the guy near me. He must have done something bad to really piss off so many people.

April 10 - two hours later
Yeh, religious nut. I'm pissed off too. Crazy religious people have hurt us more than helped and this Jesus is making me mad. I join the crowd and yell with the crowd as they keep up their railing and spitting. It only feels good because I'm scared, I'm all alone and if I'm doing to die....I'm going to die angry and pissed off.

April 10 - one hour later...
The crowds don't stop. Even the people who were there to see me trailed away for dinner, but the crowds kept it up on this Jesus. I see the eyes of some women - they look to him with either lust, or love. Standing there weeping and looking at Jesus.

Can't tell...sweat, blood is clouding my vision.

I hear bits and pieces...miracles...healings...no possible way...

April 10 - minutes later...
I see them, their nice clothes, their self righteousness...their eyes pass over me like a dog, and they stand under Jesus.
They question him, and I sense...they just hate him...and the words they say...I hear nothing that would cause this man to be crucified. No murder, no rape, not gambling...nothing..............

April 10 - one hour later...not one crime. God, here's a man next to me who has done nothing wrong...why is he here?!!!

April 10...
Jesus scares me..he's talking. He's talking to someone about forgiveness...he's talking like an attorney....he's talking like he still cares...even against the bastards who are making his last hours miserable....

April 10
...I can't take it. I'm feeling things I never thought I would. My lost humanity, my heart is doing something. It was after I saw Jesus lifting his head and muttering, "Woman behold your son....behold your mother." It was his own mother here!!! I'm dying alone....my mom died a long time ago because I hated her and broke her heart, and no way is Jesus a criminal. Not the way He says things. He's loving them to his death....

April 10
...no way is Jesus deserving to be here. No way. I've been with him, and he's not dying like me. He's not screaming. He's not begging. He's not cursing. He's nothing like me. I'm crap, I've done it and I passed it around like the devil, but this man...is not a man I've ever met.

...those rumors, those stories....man, can they be true? Jesus, the Son of God? I've given up on religion a long time ago....but Jesus scares me. When you face death men pee, crap in their pants or they fight it like any animal. I'v watched men, children and animals die, but this man is dying like a ....lamb.

A quiet lamb...

April 10..
...Oh God, I'm so jacked up. I'm so lost. I'm scared...I don't want to go out like this. I know I hate myself....and I'm an angry man......I cry silently....

...I find comfort here next to Jesus...the other thief breaks my thoughts...he's yelling at Jesus.

The thief's eyes as are if full of white hot anger, and he spits and judges Jesus. He's just the same eight-year old bully who never grew up and he's just laying it on Jesus. My blood begins to boil...it's so wrong! He's done nothing of death! Can't you see how He is? He loves! He forgives! He actually goes to the mat for those who rail against him! Now you do the same?!!! I can't stand it!!!

I yell at the thief, "WE DESERVE THIS! This man has done nothing wrong! Look at him! He said nothing in his defense! He even tells his mother that she's going to be watched by John! Our mothers are gone! We broke their hearts! We DESERVE this!!!!"

I cry, my tears streak down....I have made a mess of my life and it's almost over.

I turn my head to see if Jesus is surprised by my defense, his eyes tell me something different: love of God. I weep like a baby in my heart and am astounded: in a place of blood and death, in a place of hell.....I find hope.

Hope is next to me. I believe.

I make a request, I want to be where Jesus is...

Strange thing, he answers, "Truly you will be with in paradise."

His answer sends chills down my body: every word soft, but spoken with the authority of the ruler of my day.

Then it hits me: I am dying next to a God man.

Just so wrong

2009-04-10T08:46:00.002-06:00

Injustice.

That's a word that really grips me. Maybe that's why I get into Law and Order. You will find some case that involves a life where justice is not served and it just works you up big time. Fairness can be in a grey zone: Someone gets a job, and another doesn't. That's not justice - it's just life. You can't whine about it.

But injustice, that's something to get worked up about. Sixty Minutes, the television program did a profile of this African American who was imprisoned, by an overzealous Texan district attorney. The D.A. had an impeccable record, until research found out 'he cut corners'. That African American lost years of his life in prison for a crime he didn't commit. He's not bitter, but he got injustice.

Today, in history, there's a theme that happens without anyone saying too much about it: a man condemned to die - even though the court ruled him innocent. The judge sent this man to another fellow judge with the power to release him, and two judges concluded this man should be freed.

Even those dying with him, one of them said, "He doesn't deserve this. We got what was coming, but not him."

It didn't happen that way. The crowd demanded this man die and they got their wish. But it wasn't the crowd that sentence this man to death - it was all of us. That's the amazing part: pure holiness, pure innocence and not one defense by this man on his behalf. He took it all simply because justice had to be paid. He paid the price for something he didn't do so I might be absolved of my failings - my foolishness - my rebellion.

Yes, if I'm really honest it was me, us - why we have a holiday called Good Friday.

The Beatles wrote about the world needing love, but I like to add one more word to that need: forgiveness.

True religion

2009-04-05T18:37:00.004-06:00

I think it's true.

I thought about it long and hard and it's true.

'Christians' have hurt the message of Jesus as much as the next 'heathen'.

Why? I think simply: we forgot to be the FIRST to love. Some of the worse people on earth are 'Christians' - not the sincere person of faith who makes a mistake, but the religious, self-righteous nut who is no fun. It's that person who is the huge bible thumper and is quick to tell you what's wrong with you before loving you. Case in point: I knew one man who worked with me at company and he was a Christian who was very brash and 'bold'. One day he was in the kitchen talking to another female co-worker who was overweight a bit. Somewhere in the conversation he said, "You're fat, and you should accept that. It's how God made you and you can't change." That female co-worker left the room in tears.

I was appalled and challenged him, "How could you say that?"

His arrogant remark was, "It's the truth, and Christians tell the truth."

Way to go. That'll win the world. I went to the co-worker and wrote to her, and tell her all men were not such numbskulls and told her "God made you beautiful...don't let the world tell you otherwise. P.S. I wouldn't hold much regard for a man who is still single and can't find a lunch partner if his life depended on it."

Jesus clearly stated, "The world will know you are my disciples by your love for one another."

What if you had a cause, but you were the first to comfort? The first to encourage? The first to nurture? The first to listen? The first to cheer? You are the first to LOVE. Instead of getting 'truth' out, or showing the world doctrine, how about being the first to serve?

Most people, including Christians forget early TRUE Christianity was the first to heal: hospitals were started in that manner. Universities were started FIRST in that regard: the first to educate. It was for the benefit of humanity regardless of their spiritual beliefs, their values, their political affiliation...it was simply being the FIRST TO LOVE. Instead you have religious nuts running around soiling the gospel more than helping. The one example that infuriates me is this one church that went to the funeral of a gay soldier who died in Iraq serving his country. That church protested the funeral because of the sexual orientation of that solider. That soldier was more noble to me than those so-called Christians. I guarantee you this: that 'evangelical effort' didn't do anything to win anyone. If they were the first to come along side of the family to comfort and help pay for the funeral - maybe that would be more winsome.

Christians should once again be the first to LOVE. Be the first to buy a coffee for a discourage co-worker. Be the first to help your neighbor or invite them to dinner.

Baby!

2009-04-05T18:28:00.002-06:00

Well, it was a long time coming. I'm finally going to be dad.

Michele and I found out we're having a baby - now we're just praying for the next 12 weeks to safe.
We are praying for a healthy child, and it's been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs.

I do know this: I am looking forward to holding my child. Aside from the cuteness of children, the great responsibility and trust given to me as a future parent puts me in a place of humility and awe. I pray that I will be an ideal father, and a good father.

It's with this writing I want to write to my child: I am looking forward to your birth. You are a gift from heaven, and both your mother and I love you very much. We talk to you even when you're the size of a jelly bean, and we prayed for you. We prayed that we might be the parents every child deserve: loving, supportive, wise and encouraging.

We want you to know this life as we see will have it's ups and downs, but there is more to this life than what we see. Look into your heart when you're quiet and away from the distraction of life and you know your life is meant for a purpose. It's meant for dignity and inspiration. Search for it, find it, and do it a passion. You're no accident and not a chemical accident, but woven in love with wonder by God Himself. Do not look for your purpose with people they will disappoint you, but look to the heavens, to the bible and ask God there. Don't seek wisdom from men, or guidance from men, but rely upon God.

Both mom and I await your arrival, but most importantly know this: you are own, and we love you for who you are.

You're free to choose your Pharoah

2009-03-17T19:42:00.002-06:00

Interesting we are a nation of slaves.

We think we are free, but the only thing we are free to do is to choose our Pharaoh.

How many of are in debt and I cannot get out? We were FREE to pick a materialistic lifestyle, but now we cannot get out.
How many are controlled by some vice and cannot get out? Food and now overweight, struggling with health?
How many are in some secret, some lack - and doing everything to chase it down, only to find it smiling like some cruel master as they smile at us as we race with burning lungs?

It's something that made me think: we need a power to free us to get away from this empty lifestyle.

Don't you think?

Freedom is to really to live, strive, or move in an area where you're not comfortable in. It's not about the comfort zone, but the growing joy of sweating with purpose.

Not his talking, but his doing

2009-02-23T19:47:00.004-06:00

Little Anekah and I were playing Hangman early Sunday morning. She's this intelligent, witty and precocious little girl that got a bit of me. I feel like an angel' over this seven-year old bundle of blonde energy. Anakah's smaller than her peers but her personality and intelligence MORE than make up for her size.

She endeared me with her Hangman puzzle: "Anakah loves Mr. Wong." Man, how could you not melt?

That's why kids are such a gift. Michele and I have been trying for kids. It's been 10 months. A part of me wants a daughter of my own badly. I want to be a daddy.

Which brings to me the preciousness of marriage. Marriage as in it's beauty. A covenant of commitment that you promise to stand by the person you have pledged your heart too. I found it more astounding as to how more and more young men view Hugh Hefner as a 'dude's-dream-role' lavishing honor on a 'Green-haven retirement' candidate. What about the soldiers running across the battlefield carrying their buddies to safety? Or that virologist trying to find the next deadly virus before it breaks out in a world-wide epidemic?

Sorry, Hugh is not a hero to me. To me he's a man who didn't grow up. It takes a real man to stick to his job, love his wife, provide for his children, and raise his family to be the next great generation.

I don't think you'll find any single mother struggling to support her children calling Hugh a 'role model'.

I find today, the love between my wife and I is a by-product of something that crosses the realm of what we see, but something that produces something wonderful: a union towards new life. Also, I look at my wife with a growing measure of greater worth than the first day I met her.

Which all brings me to this point I will tell my future daughter or any young woman: don't listen to what he's saying, but watch what he is doing. Girls should never let the smooth talk of some man seduce them, actions always speak louder.

Great men quick spur into action. What woman wouldn't want some man dashing to her rescue with a sense of determination and will? Men without action are usually called 'liars', 'conceited' or 'self-absorbed'.

Man, will I be hard on my boys?

Affording the cruise

2009-02-23T19:34:00.003-06:00

Been awhile since I posted.

Working on a lot of projects, but the biggest event I can blog about is this:
The cruise was alot of fun and everyone should do it.

However, some people might be surprised that someone as conservative financially as me would go 'cruising'?
It's a myth: I'm neither rich, nor a 'spender'. We got a great deal. We have money saved from our investments and our car payments and using a 0% loan to work in our favor. Most people don't realize that all the little 'stuff' adds up quickly. Think of not forking over 20k immediately but leveraging that for a 4% investment account or leveraging that in a volatile stock that clearly hits a 'sweet spot' at $87 per share and in one week turn around 3k with your 15k? Not bad eh?

Off my soapbox: we had a great time and the food was $100.00 dinner meals anywhere in the USA. The food was THAT good.
I gorged on sushi: 28 pieces and 6 sashimi. Port Wine reduction sauce on chocolate molten lava cake. Lamb leg so rich and tender it was like melted butter in your mouth. The entertainment was first rate and the crew was always friendly. Money well spent for less than $1300.00 per person WITH roundtrip airfare.

Jealous yet?

However, I did want to come back to reality. It's true what they say: it's good to be king - for a day.

Cruise 2009

2009-02-14T22:04:00.003-06:00

With the economy dragging Michele and i thought it was great idea to take a cruise since the deals were so good.

A good friend of mine, Corey and his wife accompanied us on our trip. That was a great idea: nothing like the added element of having another couple and good friend travel with you. It was a seven day cruise and the perfect number of days. By the tail end of the trip I was ready to come back and work.

Part 1 of 2.

Blogger Sins

2009-01-30T11:23:00.001-06:00

I've committed the first of many blogger 'sins'.

No regular updates. It's like being a newspaper writer with a 'weekly' column that shows up when the writer 'feels' like writing.
Amazingly enough, there are people who commented 'you haven't wrote anything'.

Well, it's time to get back into it for disciplinary reasons.

So, with that in mind, you'll see more writing about life, God and just me being me.

Sugar Cube

2009-01-10T19:57:00.000-06:00

The prisoners often lived on small rations of potato peel soup and stale bread. One day a prisoner managed to obtain a sparkling white sugar cube. He showed it proudly to the other prisoners whose eyes widened at its sight. The prisoner, however, decided to not eat it, and carefully gave it to another who had been in the cell longer and was in more fragile health.

The others looked with astonishment as the frail prisoner also gave it another he felt more deserving than himself. And so it happened that the sugar cube went from prisoner to prisoner, and from cell to cell never to be consumed.

True Spirituality

2008-10-05T15:03:00.002-06:00

Be it political, or spiritual - we've moved away from the epicenter of trueness.

The essence of what is true: what makes a Democrat true, what makes a Republican true or more importantly: what makes a Christian true.

We have drawn the lines by taking the banner of 'judge' or the 'right opinion' and judge one-another instead of living it. The same can be said of Christians judging the church who have mistakingly gave themselves permission to judge the church on the case of spirituality because 'it's old', 'not effective', 'wrong', or 'not culturally relevant'. Any person cannot allow themselves to think they are in the right because someone is in the wrong.

A church may have deviated from true worship by sticking to tradition (hymns), but the Christian outside with a sincere intention of seeking true worship does not mean they have found the correct way. What makes if more grevious is if the Christian does not undertake what they see - making themselves a hypocrite.

What is missing from the trueness of some churches, and some seekers of true religion is we have failed to seek Christ. To seek God and his Life and power. When one steps back from picture of contemporary Christianity we must move away from being satisfied with merely quoting verse, church attendance, and giving the appearance of godliness.

We must surrender all. We must give up what we hold that bars us away from His life and power. When we are really living the life that God intends - we are not in control. We are not source of inspiration, we are merely humble vessels carrying his body of life in our hearts. We allow him to live through us. We yield to his promptings, we find our hearts beating as one with his. We throw off the mask of 'righteousness' and live a life of faith. We are His.

Shaky Times

2008-09-28T12:15:00.002-06:00

Money.

Greed.

Alot of people by now are worried, and even in some cases - freaking out.
Will the United States face a meltdown financially on an epic scale?

I don't know, but I was reminded this Sunday from a wise pastor: in times of turmoil God's church prays.

This crisis reminds us of what true security is in: God. Certainly not money, Washington or political clout. The United States got into this mess because of greed. This trait of Americans wanting more, and hording created an environment where both lenders and borrowers secured mortgages well beyond the earning power of borrowers. It was a bet on the real estate market to yield dividends beyond our 'wildest dreams'. Many who have hedged their bets are paying bitterly now.

We need to pray for our political leaders. We need to pray for wisdom, and we need to pray for a spirit of peace during these times. When peace reigns the good news of love, hope and faith goes forth. This country is being an opportunity to turn back to God and cry, "We realize that fortune, materialism and 'stuff' is NOT the answer."

Been awhile

2008-09-15T20:20:00.001-06:00

Michele and I were talking and I had a thought:

If you're young and you demonstrate a rebellious loud attitude- you're labeled "cool".

If you're old and you do the same thing you're "bitter".

How about that?

Inspired again!

2008-08-12T20:04:00.003-06:00

Well, since this blog was intended to be read by our family and friends I thought it would be good to declare: Gordon is once again inspired.

If I could pass on advice to my kids about work - it would be this: do what you love and be good at it. Work is good when there is purpose. Don't work merely for money alone. Money isn't the most important thing in the world. You'll be spending close to 8 hrs a day of your life for about 50+ years; so one should work at something with passion.

I'm working on some renderings...and it's been a blast!

Long time, no post

2008-07-29T21:11:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been awhile.

No writing. I guess you could say my previous job really drained it out of me.

It was becoming very difficult to write and having the well of the soul be filled up.

One immediate thing comes to mind: kids. I am waiting to be a daddy. To be a daddy to my daughter, or son. Raise them, love them, and by God's mercy teach them well.

We're waiting for you kids.

**

On another note: attended a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. Came away awestruck by the testimony of SCC's life. He lost his daughter to a crazy accident two months ago. Apparently one of his sons accidentally ran Maria over. The family is really leaning on God and more aware of what's important and what's not. Eternity is all that matters in this moment of life.

SCC talked alot about the grief, the questions at the concert. My wife and I could not help but get a bit teary-eyed about the whole story. Maria was only five years old when she went to be with Jesus. She was a precocious, spunky girl who was adopted from China and watching her video on YOUTUBE it really gave you a glimpse as to what a delight this little girl was to everyone.

Life Outreach

2008-06-07T20:35:00.004-06:00

The planning of family is coming. We've been waiting and waiting, and we're going to a baby is in the future.

I'm both excited and scared. You hope you can be the best father to a child...and hope you cut mustard.

Michele and I've been involved in this outreach for children for awhile.

See this video and you'll know why. I cannot help but cry at this video...it gets me everytime.

Life isn't about the number of breaths...

2008-05-11T08:29:00.000-06:00

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08125/878966-85.stm

Freedom's John Challis gets a hug from Beaver's Al Torrence after a game April 24.

The 18-year-old kid dying of cancer gets his wish, a chance to swing a bat maybe one last time in a real baseball game.

He hasn't played in a few years, but he's called on to pinch-hit. His eyes light up at the first pitch and he puts all of his 5-foot-5, 93-pound frame into one mighty swing, making contact and sending a line drive into right field for a single -- if he can reach first base. The cancer he's been battling for almost two years has spread to his pelvis, making running nearly impossible.

The kid worries about falling as he hustles down the first-base line. When he gets to the base, he lets out with a yell. "I did it! I did it!"

Safe at first with a hit and an RBI, the kid is hugged by a crying first-base coach. The opposing pitcher takes off his glove, starts applauding and his teammates follow suit. The kid's teammates run onto the field to celebrate.

It sounds like the climax to a heart-tugger movie. But there was no producer or film crew at the game between Freedom and Aliquippa high schools two weeks ago. The scene was as real as the tumors in John Challis' liver and lungs.

John is a kid with cancer, a senior at Freedom in Beaver County who was told a few weeks ago by doctors that cancer was winning and it was close to the end. The disease that started in his liver was now taking over his lungs.

"They said it could be only two months," he said, fighting back tears.

He paused before his seemingly never-ending optimism came through again.

"I told my mom I still think I can get two more years."

But his story isn't about dying. It's about inspiring.

His story, words, actions, beliefs and courage have become known around Freedom and surrounding areas in Beaver County, bringing people together from other communities and other schools.

Three weeks ago, Freedom baseball coach Steve Wetzel organized "Walk For A Champion" on Freedom High's school grounds. The purpose of the walk-a-thon was to raise money for one of John's wishes -- a last vacation with his mom, dad and 14-year-old sister, Alexis.

More than 500 people took part, including baseball teams from eight Beaver County high schools and members of Center High School's football team. John also used to play football at Freedom.

Mr. Wetzel, who calls the teen his hero, hoped to raise $6,000. That total was easily surpassed "and people are still calling with donations," he said.

The family has booked a cruise for June.
The Challis effect

A Beaver County church had planned a fundraiser, but John and his family asked the church instead to conduct the event and give the money to a fifth-grade boy in Beaver County who has a brain tumor.

"His family can use it more than we can," John said. "That's just common sense. Someone does something good for you, then you help someone else."

Actions and statements like those are what has inspired so many others. All of Aliquippa's baseball players wear John's jersey number "11" on their hats. At the walk-a-thon, Aliquippa star athlete Jonathan Baldwin, a Pitt football recruit, presented him with a ball signed by Pitt players.

After the walk, John addressed the crowd.

"He spoke from his heart," Mr. Wetzel, the coach, said. "He said, 'I've got two options. I know I'm going to die, so I can either sit at home and feel sorry, or I could spread my message to everybody to live life to the fullest and help those in need.' After hearing that, I don't know if there were many people not crying."

Last Thursday, Beaver pitcher Manny Cutlip tossed a three-hitter against Freedom as John watched in street clothes. After the game, every Beaver player came up to him and shook his hand. Some hugged him and some said they were praying for him. Manny Cutlip asked Mr. Wetzel if he could go to lunch some time with John. It happened the next day.

"I don't know what to say. I just wanted to get to know him better and see if I could learn anything from him to help me in my life," said the young pitcher, an imposing 6-foot-3, 225-pound standout athlete who will play football at IUP.

At lunch, he gave John a new football with a handwritten personal message on it. Part of the message read, "You have touched my heart and I will always look up to you as my role model."

Talk to John and you'll laugh at his sense of humor when he says things such as, "You can't let girls know that you know how to text message because they won't leave you alone."

But listen to his mature views on life and his philosophies ... and you might cry.

"I used to be afraid, but I'm not afraid of dying now, if that's what you want to know," he said. "Because life ain't about how many breaths you take. It's what you do with those breaths."
Figuring it out

It's been almost two years since John found out about his cancer. He knows the date like a birthday. June 23, 2006.

He discovered only recently that doctors didn't expect him to last through that first summer. "To me, that's already an accomplishment," he said.

In the first few months after the cancer discovery, John's father, Scott, would get up in the middle of the night, peek into his son's bedroom and see him wide awake, staring at the ceiling.

"He would just be thinking," the elder Challis said. "He's always been one who had to try and find an answer for everything. He wants to figure things out."

Through his own thoughts and through his deep Catholic beliefs, John believes he has "figured it out." He answers questions with maturity, courage and dignity, traits that have become his trademarks.

John requested that his mother, Regina, not be interviewed for this story because it will be too hard for her. He talks to his father about what to do after he dies.

"I sit up with him at night until 1 or 2 in the morning," Scott Challis said. "He'll tell me, 'Dad, when I'm gone, you have to do this or that. You have to watch your weight.' He's worried about my weight. He tells me I have to take care of mom.

"When the doctors told him a few weeks ago about how the cancer was winning, he had a lot of questions about what it was going to be like and about being comfortable. Later on, he broke down with me and you know what he did? He apologized. He was upset because he felt like he was letting everyone down who had been praying for him."

Scott Challis has found talking about his son makes the situation easier to deal with. But many people like to talk about John. Shawn Lehocky is a senior and one of Freedom's top athletes. For every football and baseball game, he wears a red wrist band with John's No. 11 on it.

"It seems like everyone in this community knows who he is now and he really has brought so many people together," Shawn said. "He's always on my mind. To see him and what he's going through, I don't know if I could act like that. He said some pretty strong words at that walk-a-thon that you don't hear 17- or 18-year-olds say every day."

John fought back tears a few times during last week's interview.

"Sometimes I cry, but people cry for all different kinds of reasons," he said. "Sometimes I just want to know why, but I think I figured that out. God wanted me to get sick because he knew I was strong enough to handle it. I'm spreading His word and my message. By doing that, I'm doing what God put me here to do.

"It took me about a half year to figure all that out. Now, when I'm able to truly believe it, it makes it easier on me. And when you know other people support what you're thinking, it makes it easier."

When asked where he gained his wisdom, he answered, "Through cancer."

"They say it takes a special person to realize this kind of stuff," he said. "I don't know if I'm special, but it wasn't hard for me. It's just my mind-set. A situation is what you make of it. Not what it makes of you."

He regularly wears his Freedom baseball hat. Under the bill of the cap is his name, plus this line: "COURAGE + BELIEVE = LIFE."

"I guess I can see why people see me as an inspiration," he said. "But why do people think it's so hard to see things the way I do? All I'm doing is making the best of a situation."

John then raises his voice.

"Why can't people just see the best in things? It gets you so much further in life. It's always negative this and negative that. That's all you see and hear."

John tries to keep complaining to a minimum, but he acknowledges his moments of crying.

"If I'm mad at anything in this, it's that I'm not going to be able to have a son, I'm not going to be able to get married and have my own house," he said, fighting back tears again. "Those are the things I'm mad about. But not dying."
The role of sports

John loves sports. He is an avid hunter -- "got three buck and two doe in the last year," he said.

He played baseball through Pony League and always loved football, despite his small stature. As a sophomore, he started on Freedom's junior varsity team as a slotback and cornerback.

"I was 108 pounds. I had to be the smallest player in the WPIAL," he said with a laugh.

The cancer forced him to stop playing football as a junior.

"But I will never forget," his father said, "when he first got sick he told me, 'Dad, I have to dress for a football game one more time.' "

He got his wish in the final game of his senior season, against Hickory. Coaches let him kick off once. He was supposed to kick and immediately run off the field to avoid danger. Instead, he stayed on the field and got a little excited when the kick returner started heading his way before being tackled.

Later in the game, the coaches put him in for two plays at receiver. Mr. Wetzel and others who saw the game proudly tell how, on one play, John tried to block a defender, fell down, but got up and pushed another defender.

Mr. Wetzel said seeing John play in that last football game, doesn't compare to seeing his hit against Aliquippa in that April 14 baseball game. John vividly remembers the details leading up to the hit. When he walked into the batter's box, he saw Aliquippa's catcher wearing a protective mask with the initials "J.C." and the number "11."

"I just looked at him and said, 'Nice mask.' "

He then noticed an Aliquippa coach saying something to the pitcher.

"I'm thinking, 'If they're going to walk me or throw easy to me, I don't want it handed to me,' " he said. "But sure enough, he threw me a fastball. That's what made it so good. ... There were only about 20 people there watching, but everyone was cheering."

Mr. Wetzel said: "We made it to the state [PIAA] playoffs two years ago and I thought that was the best feeling. I got to play in WPIAL championships at Blackhawk as a player. But that day, that hit, that moment ... That was the best feeling I've ever had in sports."

Six days later, Freedom played a game at PNC Park. John attended the game, but had an IV line in his arm for a treatment he was getting. He took out the IV line and asked Mr. Wetzel if he could pinch-hit again.

"Unbelievable. He told me the doctor said he could take it out for up to seven hours," Mr. Wetzel said. "He told me he just wanted to be a normal kid one more time."

So Mr. Wetzel let him pinch-hit. This time he struck out.

They have a unique coach-player relationship. Mr. Wetzel invited John to be part of the team a year ago and John calls the coach one of his best friends. They talk every day, at least on a cell phone, and go to lunch together once a week.

"The kid has changed my life," Mr. Wetzel said. "I cry for him just about every day. I'm 32 and I'm getting married in September. You know what he told me the other day? He told me to save him a seat in the front row of the church, because even if he's not there, he'll be there in spirit.

"He just keeps doing things and saying things that are just unbelievable. I know our team will never forget this season because of Johnny."

The two want to start a foundation in John's name for young cancer patients.

"Even if [the foundation] is something that can help only one kid or one family, to see people in a different way like I have, it will be worth it," John said. "Maybe it will help younger people who haven't gotten to see the finer things in life that I got to see."

John plans to attend Freedom's prom May 9 and plans to graduate in June. As John ended this interview, he said he wondered how his story will come out in the newspaper.

"When you write this, don't overthink things," he said. "I've learned that. There are a lot of unanswered questions in this world and the reason they're unanswered is because if you think about them too much, you're always going to come up with different answers. So don't confuse yourself and think about this too much."

Hope gives strength for 27 years...

2008-05-07T20:27:00.003-06:00

60 minutes profiled a segment about the possibility of 200 cases being wrongly prosecuted. The bottom line? Men were thrown into jail without evidence by an overzealous, unethical Texas prosecutor.

One of those men wrongfully imprisoned was James Woodward, who lost 27 years of his life for a crime he did not commit. Mr. Woodward's parole opportunity was deny over dozen times. All those years of serving in prison for a crime he did not commit?

Hope.

Excerpt:

"You had hope?" Pelley asks.

"That’s all a man has," Woodard says. "I had hope for parole. I think I came up about 12 times."

Hope.

Romans 15:13 says, "May the God of all Hope...". In this life, you must have hope. When the days are so dark, you have to believe something will break forth for freedom, for life or for a break.

Amazing - in a real prison and the prison of a lie - Woodward could claim to one thing: Hope. That was the thing that kept him going: the truth of his innocence.

For Mr. Woodward, he was eventually set free.

We look at the world, and we think of money, power, or the vanity of this world, but you ask the deep, deep questions of life and you find everyone needs hope.

The African American teenager, hoping to break out of poverty and the gang-life to raise a family.

The American soldier who hopes to be reunited with his family.

The little girl who hopes this Christmas, a puppy will come.

The cancer fighter hoping for a new organ transplant.

The single mom hoping for a future for herself and her child.

The unemployed father hoping for that job offer.

That prisoner hoping to taste freedom once again.

We all need hope, it keeps us going. Take away home, you take away the very spirit of humanity.

Back to real life

2008-04-28T19:50:00.002-06:00

I'm reading, and writing.

No 'rithmetic for me though. My wife handles that - balancing the checks and such.

It was a quiet Monday - no tv, no technology - just reading, writing and reflection. It was sweet for the soul. To break away from 'noise'.

I see a battle with the busyness of life and schedules: it takes away some humanity in each one of us. Moments where we need to pause, reflect, repent or make a decision or commitment are stolen. For my wife and I - I told her we need to get back to the simple life.

Where we don't lose touch with our humanity. Where we can listen to the still voice of God and stop to love and support people around us. Where we reflect to the brevity of life and why it is precious.

It was a good evening freed from distraction and my heart soared this evening.

Yosemite and budget

2008-04-08T19:09:00.002-06:00

Michele and I are budget manias.

Everyone might think we spent a bundle on the Yosemite trip but hardly.We deal here and there and managed to secure a very good vacation budget. We bought most of our food and stuck them into a cooler instead of eating out.

We're very smart with our money and Michele is on top of our budget. A dollar off and she will know about it.

We use a 3% credit card, and save money with an conservative interest producing account. In turn that increases our purchasing power by 8% every year.

People don't think about finances in that manner, but the little here and there makes a difference. Michele and I don't even have cable and guess what? We don't even miss it.

Yep, we can tell our kids the small stuff about finances will help them in the long run. Listen to mom kids...

Yosmite 2008

2008-04-06T15:40:00.002-06:00

We just got back.

Tired but refreshed. Michele had one of the greatest times of her life. She loved being in the mountains and hiking.

We will return one day...but in the meanwhile enjoy the photos at
http://homepage.mac.com/blacktrainstudio/Yosemite/

My sister Doris

2008-03-28T09:23:00.002-06:00

http://www.news10.net/news/education/teacher/video-player/teacher-of-the-month.aspx

I must say: I am proud of my sister.

She loves what she is doing and is making a difference and making a case for teacher of the year.

Way to go sis! Very proud and love ya.

Gordon

STARING AT THE FACE OF EVIL

2008-03-27T16:35:00.003-06:00

WARNING: THE CONTENT IS GRAPHIC IN NATURE REGARDING GENOCIDE

God forgive me for being a fat American.
So rich and having very little of what it means to be in 'travail'. Complaining about the speed of my internet and the traffic.

That's what I thought when I heard a very difficult news report on 60 minutes about the rape of women in the middle of genocide in the Congo. More than 5 million have been killed...but worse is the method of war that is ravaging the Congo. Rape is being used among the troops to such unspeakable evil and extent that no girl, or woman is immune.

It is pure evil. And the world turns while 45,000 die per month.

The goal is pure evil to destroy the woman's soul, the husband's courage is decimated when he's is helpless, and an entire village is shamed and battered to no end with the forced imagery of watching village women getting raped multiple times.

When I heard this I was crying for Congo, the people and the women.

It was depressing to such a degree I've not felt and can only describe it as evil and darkness. What a lost world without God.

I forced myself to listen to the whole news segment. This is the world we live in.
It's also a need to pray for God's intercession and the healing of this land.

We must not turn our comfort zone back to soft and pampered America, but we must stare at evil and let that resonate in our hearts to what we are called to do. Being comfortable isn't what I feel we are called to - we are called to action and make a difference in this world.

In the end, the women who were victims sing of heaven, where they will find healing. Anderson Cooper said it best, "In the Congo, there isn't any healing, or hope."

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edward Burke

OOOH boy

2008-03-25T08:35:00.003-06:00

We're flying on SouthWest, and it might be our last time we fly SouthWest or AMerican West.

My favorite pastor - Mark Driscoll - calls it smelling like a 'Honey Hut at the county fair'.

Michele is going to love it: 3 hrs on a flying toilet.

We saved money, and that's the only consolation, and the other one is that the FAA recently slapped a multi-million dollar fine on SouthWest for not fixing their planes on schedule. In other words, they skipped out on maintenance. Niiice.

So a few weeks ago, SouthWest grounded 41 planes. Hopefully, one of those planes won't be ours.

Michele and I've been praying for a good trip, and it's apparent it's a good thing.

Strengthening your marriage

2008-03-24T07:19:00.002-06:00

This really got me thinking - heard it on a radio program.

We really should put our vows up on the wall to remind us of that solemn, and profound event that binds a man and woman in holy matrimony.

"Leaving all others and loving one another through sickness and health until death separates."

One marriage counselor said he believes marriages struggle because we forget our vows, in front of God, to our spouse. Unfortunately, people make that vow in the height of emotions and forget the the price you must pay to keep those vows. Even when you 'feel' like your marriage might be struggling one day, you must remember to love your spouse. When your spouse pulls the barf bag and didn't shower yet, you must still love them.

Michele and I talked about watching our wedding video once a year to rekindle, and remember our vows.

***

Our anniversary date is coming up, so to make up for it, we cracked ourselves up watching CMT's REDNECK WEDDINGS. It was hilarious. We had fun watching it - people are peculiar, but it does show you at times true love. This one cowboy living in California (as crass and crazy as you can get - dug his wife's present from the dumpster, picked up a keg of beer from the local corner market) revealed an intelligent poet in him. He surprised his wife with a card before the wedding.

Reading the card made her cried.

It was actually a poignant moment and I couldn't deny despite the entertainment value - he did love her.

Great times

2008-03-24T07:09:00.004-06:00

Easter.

We were granted the pleasure of my in-laws vicar for the annual Easter dinner.

An Ethiopian named Ebasa and his wife Hana. There were a pleasure to be with.

We had your typical Easter early dinner with Michele's family - and it was a delight. A few facts of observation.

a) Told Ebasa with the manner my mother in law cooks, he'll be a FAT Ethiopian.
b) Ebasa is a very sincere, and passionate man about his faith, and is open to breaking down barriers
c) Ebasa and Hana gives a interesting view of a Christian with African heritage at the plight of the problems in the inner city - it's the same for everyone - strong family, education and a centrality of moral values where daily life evolves around it
d) My mother in law cooks way too much

Ebasa and I had a great conversation about the challenges facing the church today. The church where he is helping out - honestly is dying out. We both don't agree making "mega-churches" is the way to go. Unfortunately, alot of churches grow because of discontent from other Christian churches. What I appreciated about Ebasa is that he's forward thinking - he tests the current establishment of thinking and see if it works. He sees the world and considers how he can apply new principles.

Hana is a very sweet woman. I liked her immediately and she's a great wife to Ebasa; it was a hoot watching them talk of how Ebasa WILL NOT get out of changing the diapers when they have kids.

All in all, a great Easter of meeting new people, and enjoying their company.

Maybe that's why I am happy

2008-03-24T07:09:00.001-06:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,340869,00.html

God blessed me with a beautiful woman.

A new one

2008-03-11T21:26:00.004-06:00

Been awhile since posting.

Lots on my mind...came across this video, reminds me to get focused.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KlKhw_o6kzE

How you look at it...

2008-02-24T13:39:00.003-06:00

"I should never have had an abortion," Emma Beck wrote in a note she left. "I see now I would have been a good mum."
The note written after a British mother hung herself after having an abortion of her twins.

**

Two women suicide bombers who have killed nearly 80 people in Baghdad were Down's Syndrome victims exploited by al Qaida.
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=paBomb_Fri_1650_Baghdad_market_bombsUD2&show_article=1

**

Alot of people call it a 'matter of perspective'. Al Quida is not that bad, and it's 'over there'. When Al Quida uses two women with Down's Syndrome, it's NOT SUICIDE, it's murder of not 80, but 82 people. Yet, you have some people accuse our president for 'War Crimes'. The USA is fighting Al Quida - admittingly the US is not always right in all areas of geo-political views and perspectives, but I think calling Al Quida evil is pretty black and white. They are evil doing what they do. You don't see the US military sending Down's Syndrome women into battle to blow themselves up.

People debate about whether a fetus is life, or not, but if many criminal cases slaps two murder charges if a mother who is pregnant is murdered, but millions of abortions are performed. It's sad that many pro-choice organizations do not tackle the history of 'pro-choice' history OR the ramifications of a woman's psychology after abortion.

Abortion's historical roots was eugenics - a philosophy stemming all the way back to Hitler's idea of eliminating disabled children, and the elderly. EARLY American eugenics were abortion clinics set up in MINORITY areas where racism believed 'certain races' needed population control through 'sterilization' and 'abortion clinics'.

Wantedness and Social Justice, by Wanda Franz, Ph.D., in her paper discuss how politics have greyed moral clearity when asurvey for the years 1994 and 1995 found in the July/August 1996 issue of the journal Family Planning Perspectives reveals a heavy racial and ethnic bias. Political figures in both Democratic and Republican declared their 'Pro-Life' stance until the votes are found plenty with "Pro-Choice"One famous African-American Democrat cried against 'racial genocide' regarding the high number of abortion among African Americans, but went 'pro-choice' as soon as he found the the votes were more there.

To me, it's hard to have moral clearity without God and the bible. The opinions of God doesn't change EVER. He doesn't go for votes, or popularity. He is Holy and His Word is a guiding principle in my life when politics are in an uproar and everyone thinks they are right. I know my lack of moral courage when I am before my God. I have nothing, but spending time with God I do know this: what's his opinion and that's the only one that matters.

LIving your faith

2008-02-21T09:58:00.003-06:00

You can say what you believe all you want, but if you don't live it, others don't see it, or experience it - you really don't believe it. As a Christian most people don't realize, I think the worse people in the world are 'Christians' - people who hide behind a doctrine judging people with fire and brimstone and left not a finger.

We are to make a difference in this world before all people and bless them.

This email isn't about me, it's about God living in me and doing his good pleasure. I never take credit when it's God going the goodwork - I know who I am. I am certainly not as good as people think I am.

I am thankful for God using me to just 'enhance' someone's life in whatever capacity God sees fit.

SEE EMAIL BELOW:

"Gordon,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It has brought tears to my eyes. And as you know, I am more emotional now than ever!

I wanted to say to you, that you have been so supportive and understanding. I appreciate you always checking up on me and asking if I am ok or need anything. You are going be very helpful and supportive when you and wife are so blessed to be welcoming a child in this world. I wish you nothing but the best and look forward to giving you the support in return some day.

We must keep in touch while I am on maternity leave. I will do my best!

Carrie"