One of my friend's baby just came.
His marriage is like mine: Asian and Caucasian and his baby girl was born healthy thankfully.
The little girl arrived at work and I stopped by to take a look.
Then someone holding little Charlotte asked me if I wanted to hold her, and I replied a quick, "yes". Holding her and watching her sleep in my arms it was magical. I couldn't help but smile as I heard her baby sounds - a 'cooh' or a cute smack of her lips.
Little Charlotte was as perfect as a baby can get. Beautifully shaped hands, beautifully proportioned and beautiful jet black hair. The thought was broken by the giggle of her older sister playing with her father.
It was one of those moments where you pause and know what life is really about.
As I stare at this precious thing in my arms, and as I rocked her to close her to eyes - out of fear she might wake up - I realize the beauty and preciousness of life.
A revelation came to me: I would do anything to protect this baby if I had to, even with my very life. Just grabbing her perfectly formed finger between my thumb and finger I could see her nail, her knuckle, and the delicate construction of her hands. The noise of beginning life mixed with slumber moved me: this is how it feels to be a father.
I smiled inside lost in my own thoughts.
I could see myself doing this: loving my baby. Holding my girl. Holding the boy I lost. A part of me wished my wife was there...she probably blink a tear or two seeing me. You could see it in my face and she would have read it: I could see you as a father.
I was lost for a few moments going back to places of 'what if's'. What if my two children were alive today? What if my father who passed away was alive to hold them?
I blinked a tear away, and suddenly realize it was hard to hold this baby that was now a mixture of wonder and deep sadness.
Sadness reminded me of my losses.
Then I realize what God must have felt. Sending his Son, so dear to him: into this world to reach out to us with a message of love. I would have done anything to protect the baby, but God would do the very opposite of sending his child with a message of love.
I shook my head, Jesus was born a baby: just like the one I held.
For a little bit, as an imperfect man I knew a little of what a friend said, "Until you become a father - there's a dimension of God's loss as a father you will never understand."
I think I understand just a little: the Wonder of it All.
Mar 31, 2010
Mar 17, 2010
You don't know
I think a fault of many people today, especially Christians sometimes is how we are so quick to 'pre-judge' a person.
The only person who can make an accurate evaluation is Jesus. He's God after all, but for the majority of people including myself, is we have a higher estimation of ourselves and we falter in our perceptions.
I'll never forget the story of a single Christian mother with two kids playing softball in the park.
A huge, clearly homeless man approached her quietly and asked if he can help fetch the balls hit by the woman's daughters.
Now here you can make your presuppositions. You can run, decline, or let God really tell you what to do. If I was this woman's husband, I would say, "Move the kids out and get in the car. You're alone, and this sounds really like it could be bad."
God told this mother, "Reach out." (Mind you, God's pretty spontaneous and fresh and will always give the right answer and sometimes it goes against common sense, and it's NEVER the same answer,way sometimes).
So this mother let's the stranger fetch the ball for a while. Then, the stranger asked, "Can I hit the ball?"
Ok, fetching a ball is one thing, but turning over a bat to a stranger as a single mother with your children is now really stepping out by faith. The woman prayed, and sense God wanted her to do it - even thought it went against common sense, but she felt compelled to let the man hit the ball.
The mother nervously step up to pitch the ball, and the stranger connects.
She says it went two hundred feet. She looked at the ball traveling and back at the stranger. The man smiled and asked for another ball to be pitched.
This one sails like a bat out of hell, and travels three hundred feet.
The girls are all excited - it's like a show!
The hits keeps coming and the stranger smashes each pitch like Paul Bunyan: Three hundred feet. Four hundred feet. Even one smash-hit sails like it was from a movie from the Field of Dreams or the Natural. It was surreal.
The stranger launched every ball literally out of the park as the girls runs to find the balls. Each time the mother whispers, "Amazing."
It was like a literal private home-run derby. Finally, the stranger drops the bats, smiles and softly says, "Thank you."
The woman watches him walk away and rushes to catch him, "Where did you learn to hit the ball like that?"
The stranger looks to the ground and softly says, "The Atlanta Braves."
Yes, THAT Atlanta Braves, - the professional baseball team.
You never know soemeone's story, or where they came from. Just because they act, say or look a certain way - remember there is a story to them. Maybe when you find out you don't look at the book cover, but read the book.
The only person who can make an accurate evaluation is Jesus. He's God after all, but for the majority of people including myself, is we have a higher estimation of ourselves and we falter in our perceptions.
I'll never forget the story of a single Christian mother with two kids playing softball in the park.
A huge, clearly homeless man approached her quietly and asked if he can help fetch the balls hit by the woman's daughters.
Now here you can make your presuppositions. You can run, decline, or let God really tell you what to do. If I was this woman's husband, I would say, "Move the kids out and get in the car. You're alone, and this sounds really like it could be bad."
God told this mother, "Reach out." (Mind you, God's pretty spontaneous and fresh and will always give the right answer and sometimes it goes against common sense, and it's NEVER the same answer,way sometimes).
So this mother let's the stranger fetch the ball for a while. Then, the stranger asked, "Can I hit the ball?"
Ok, fetching a ball is one thing, but turning over a bat to a stranger as a single mother with your children is now really stepping out by faith. The woman prayed, and sense God wanted her to do it - even thought it went against common sense, but she felt compelled to let the man hit the ball.
The mother nervously step up to pitch the ball, and the stranger connects.
She says it went two hundred feet. She looked at the ball traveling and back at the stranger. The man smiled and asked for another ball to be pitched.
This one sails like a bat out of hell, and travels three hundred feet.
The girls are all excited - it's like a show!
The hits keeps coming and the stranger smashes each pitch like Paul Bunyan: Three hundred feet. Four hundred feet. Even one smash-hit sails like it was from a movie from the Field of Dreams or the Natural. It was surreal.
The stranger launched every ball literally out of the park as the girls runs to find the balls. Each time the mother whispers, "Amazing."
It was like a literal private home-run derby. Finally, the stranger drops the bats, smiles and softly says, "Thank you."
The woman watches him walk away and rushes to catch him, "Where did you learn to hit the ball like that?"
The stranger looks to the ground and softly says, "The Atlanta Braves."
Yes, THAT Atlanta Braves, - the professional baseball team.
You never know soemeone's story, or where they came from. Just because they act, say or look a certain way - remember there is a story to them. Maybe when you find out you don't look at the book cover, but read the book.
Today was hard
Woke up this morning after seeing my dad.
Last night, old vacation photos popped up from May 2008 when my wife and I went out to Yosemite for our anniversary.
In the beginning shots of our trip we took an 'spur-of-the-moment' shot of us a local restaurant. That night I realized that was the last pic of my dad. I could tell from the picture his health was going down. I could see it.
Then this morning I realize the last image I have of my father was him lying in the coffin. He didn't even look like the the father I grew up, or had the facial features of the father I last saw.
The impact of that thought hit me hard this morning. I woke up with a sense of loss and during breakfast I was weeping - missing my dad.
Wished I had more pictures of him with him smiling.
The revelation at the moment was I lived like he was going to be around forever. Simon Cowell described his loss - and how difficult it was for him losing his father. Simon said, "....you think they will be around forever."
Death is unbecoming, unexpected and without compassion. It's rude. It's without remorse. It comes at the worse time.
Michele gently reminded me, "It's a year long journey of grief and maybe more."
***
The robins chirped. They knew Spring began - somehow.
And so it begins.
Mar 8, 2010
Random thoughts...
I woke up thinking of my dad this morning and it got mixed with Phil 4:8.
A book bought by a friend (thanks A!) - triggered a month-long meditation on the biblical wisdom Phil. 4:8... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
When you deal with grief and disappointment you are concern with the cycle of 'what-ifs' and 'guilt trips'. It's amazingly true what Proverbs says: "As a man thinketh in his heart...so is he."
My mind wandered about my dad - his thinking pattern was always 'serve'. He served us, his peers, his co-workers, and his family. That's the way he was wired. He never thought 'be lazy'.
My mind wandered about God's thoughts - whether you insert God into the role as a father, mother, CEO, or friend his thoughts are always True, Noble, Right, Pure, Lovely, Admirable, Excellent, and PraiseWorthy.
That means God would be the best in any role you put Him into because his thoughts are so much higher than ours.
Imagine a CEO with True thoughts - never lying, or embellishing the sale figures in a company. As a CEO - God tell his employees that He would take a pay cut of 90% and give it back to the employees - Noble! Or have Pure thoughts of taking care of the company and being socially responsible. That's just the way God's thoughts are - continually.
I think God is joyous and delightful by nature because His thoughts are always Phil. 4:8.
He's never thinking the opposite of Phil. 4:8 Lies, Un-Noble, Wrong, Vile, Ugly, Dire, Mediocre. You have to wonder when we dwell on things that are Not True, or Wrong things, or Vile that we find so many people who are depressed or discouraged.
Or to think God might think of such things towards you - which is infinitely out of His character - you think God is disappointed with you. It's amazing parents think that about their kids, but nowhere in the bible does God reveal his thoughts, "You're all a disappointing lot, and you're worthless."
Granted God is Holy so He gets angry, but can you blame Him? When we see a child killed, aren't we angry? But God never places us in the category box of 'reject'. He is Noble. He redeems us and states clearly His thoughts are for peace, prosperity and hope.
God always thinks Lovely things about us. His intentions are always Noble, Pure, Lovely and Good.
I see the wisdom of that when I think of my own father and how much I miss him. When someone dies...you see them in more clarity - and for myself I see my dad as Noble and Serving. It makes me ache because I miss that about him.
A book bought by a friend (thanks A!) - triggered a month-long meditation on the biblical wisdom Phil. 4:8... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
When you deal with grief and disappointment you are concern with the cycle of 'what-ifs' and 'guilt trips'. It's amazingly true what Proverbs says: "As a man thinketh in his heart...so is he."
My mind wandered about my dad - his thinking pattern was always 'serve'. He served us, his peers, his co-workers, and his family. That's the way he was wired. He never thought 'be lazy'.
My mind wandered about God's thoughts - whether you insert God into the role as a father, mother, CEO, or friend his thoughts are always True, Noble, Right, Pure, Lovely, Admirable, Excellent, and PraiseWorthy.
That means God would be the best in any role you put Him into because his thoughts are so much higher than ours.
Imagine a CEO with True thoughts - never lying, or embellishing the sale figures in a company. As a CEO - God tell his employees that He would take a pay cut of 90% and give it back to the employees - Noble! Or have Pure thoughts of taking care of the company and being socially responsible. That's just the way God's thoughts are - continually.
I think God is joyous and delightful by nature because His thoughts are always Phil. 4:8.
He's never thinking the opposite of Phil. 4:8 Lies, Un-Noble, Wrong, Vile, Ugly, Dire, Mediocre. You have to wonder when we dwell on things that are Not True, or Wrong things, or Vile that we find so many people who are depressed or discouraged.
Or to think God might think of such things towards you - which is infinitely out of His character - you think God is disappointed with you. It's amazing parents think that about their kids, but nowhere in the bible does God reveal his thoughts, "You're all a disappointing lot, and you're worthless."
Granted God is Holy so He gets angry, but can you blame Him? When we see a child killed, aren't we angry? But God never places us in the category box of 'reject'. He is Noble. He redeems us and states clearly His thoughts are for peace, prosperity and hope.
God always thinks Lovely things about us. His intentions are always Noble, Pure, Lovely and Good.
I see the wisdom of that when I think of my own father and how much I miss him. When someone dies...you see them in more clarity - and for myself I see my dad as Noble and Serving. It makes me ache because I miss that about him.
Mar 1, 2010
My sister
Cindy.
She did it.
My sister made me cry a bit with her about our dad having coffee.
I catch myself randomly overcome with grief. It's amazing how small reminders can trigger that.
For my sister it was as simple as shopping for coffee down the grocery aisle and she posted it to her Facebook page.
Sighs.
Dad, I miss you. I just think of all the things you did for us. I think of the effort you pulled to take us to Disneyland, Great America, Sea World and zoos. I think we take it for granted then, but we take it for granted that you pulled about 800.00 per month for a family of five. Some dads have the luxury of doing it, but you didn't. You scraped every nickel to pull of some childhood memories for us all.
We miss you.
She did it.
My sister made me cry a bit with her about our dad having coffee.
I catch myself randomly overcome with grief. It's amazing how small reminders can trigger that.
For my sister it was as simple as shopping for coffee down the grocery aisle and she posted it to her Facebook page.
Sighs.
Dad, I miss you. I just think of all the things you did for us. I think of the effort you pulled to take us to Disneyland, Great America, Sea World and zoos. I think we take it for granted then, but we take it for granted that you pulled about 800.00 per month for a family of five. Some dads have the luxury of doing it, but you didn't. You scraped every nickel to pull of some childhood memories for us all.
We miss you.