"15x10"
That's the amount of stuff we own that will fit into a storage facility. A nice leather couch, bookshelf, console, Target dining set, and a super-duper Tempurpedic bed. We're not pack rats, but that's the amount of stuff we own.
That's why this journey that Michele and I are about to undertake is possible. We try to live simply, frugally and generously upon others.
No job, bad economy? Check.
Lots of time to reconnect, revive and reinvent? Check.
This was a journey that was in the making for several years. We talked of moving, but every time we got pregnant it was like a stop sign. Then came the losses and deaths. Death of my father and the miscarriages. It was like living a broken record. Same results year after year.
That wears on you. It worn us like a pair of shoes ready to be tossed. I read one writer who said life has a tendency to wear you down without you realizing it. Before you know it you're different. You lost something. You changed. Most of the time it's not for the better. For some people they wake up finding a marriage that slowly withered, for others they are left asking what was my life about?
I wasn't going to let that happen to Michele or I. We needed to do something radical. The last three years doesn't have to define us for the rest of our lives.
We need to deal with it, process it, grieve, but we needed a 'reboot'.
That's why this 15x10 space is propelling us to take a journey across America with the goal of RECONNECTING, REVIVING and REINVENTING.
Is it bold? Yes. Is it scary? Yes. But if you stay the same and while life is in motion you'll find yourself only staring at 15x10 worth of goods that will eventually disappear.
Your heart, your faith, who you are and what your marriage is about matters more and to do something radical to REVIVE it is something every husband, and wife must choose everyday.
Your life doesn't consist of a 15x10 space. Jesus said what shall a man profit if he gains the whole world, yet loses his own soul?
Oct 28, 2011
Sep 27, 2011
Asher, Josiah, Abigail and Grace
What do I think? I don't know. There's a part of me that can't grieve.
I've managed my whole life to bottle up, now I'm at the point that I must face my emotions.
The last one was difficult: we lost another baby girl. For some reason that just hurts a lot. Losing a little girl...just makes it so difficult. This baby girl was going to be named Grace. And that's the irony of the name, 'Grace'. Lost her about a month ago.
It's even difficult just writing about this. I don't know why. Maybe because it hurts so much. I know there's a part of me that wants to cry for hours. There's no book on this type of stuff. Your smartphone has a manual. Your car has a manual. You even get a manual for your kitchen items as to how to wash it and care for it. No one has a manual for losing kids. Five kids. One father all in the span of three years.
And it's taken this long for me to realize that I just need to cry. I know if I don't I will never be whole. I know I'm a knot of emotion because I saw an ESPN documentary about a little girl, cute as a button dying and befriended a college star WR. I watched the documentary alone, with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't stop the tears.
I know at least I'm normal; my grief counselor said, "Look, losing five babies and your father in about two years...cut yourself some slack. It's difficult." That was very helpful, because I didn't know what I should be doing, feeling, or thinking. Now it's good to know that you must cry, you must ache and then you will heal.
I've managed my whole life to bottle up, now I'm at the point that I must face my emotions.
The last one was difficult: we lost another baby girl. For some reason that just hurts a lot. Losing a little girl...just makes it so difficult. This baby girl was going to be named Grace. And that's the irony of the name, 'Grace'. Lost her about a month ago.
It's even difficult just writing about this. I don't know why. Maybe because it hurts so much. I know there's a part of me that wants to cry for hours. There's no book on this type of stuff. Your smartphone has a manual. Your car has a manual. You even get a manual for your kitchen items as to how to wash it and care for it. No one has a manual for losing kids. Five kids. One father all in the span of three years.
And it's taken this long for me to realize that I just need to cry. I know if I don't I will never be whole. I know I'm a knot of emotion because I saw an ESPN documentary about a little girl, cute as a button dying and befriended a college star WR. I watched the documentary alone, with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't stop the tears.
I know at least I'm normal; my grief counselor said, "Look, losing five babies and your father in about two years...cut yourself some slack. It's difficult." That was very helpful, because I didn't know what I should be doing, feeling, or thinking. Now it's good to know that you must cry, you must ache and then you will heal.
Aug 17, 2011
Been awhile
Ok, today five years ago, I asked Michele to marry me.
I've also noticed it's been awhile since I posted.
Asking Michele to marry me was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Over the last five years, Michele has been pure gold with life's ups and downs.
READ the story of engagement:
http://gordonbts.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_archive.html
I've also noticed it's been awhile since I posted.
Asking Michele to marry me was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Over the last five years, Michele has been pure gold with life's ups and downs.
READ the story of engagement:
http://gordonbts.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_archive.html
Jul 5, 2011
4th of July
I admit it.
I've lost some joy. I use to be more jovial, more fun. I'm less. The last three years has tempered my heart, my personality.
This past 4th of July, on the anniversary of our 3rd child lost, my emotions were acute. I almost broke down kissing my niece goodbye. Spending time with my nephew stirred what it would be like as a father with a son.
Michele broken down. She cried alone in our room, and I would come by and kiss her. I don't like seeing her like that. No one around us remembered.
The loss of four miscarriages has begun to blur the days of the year. There are more anniversaries of losses than celebrations. In life, you will reach a point where you feel like life is going backwards.
I've lost some joy. I use to be more jovial, more fun. I'm less. The last three years has tempered my heart, my personality.
This past 4th of July, on the anniversary of our 3rd child lost, my emotions were acute. I almost broke down kissing my niece goodbye. Spending time with my nephew stirred what it would be like as a father with a son.
Michele broken down. She cried alone in our room, and I would come by and kiss her. I don't like seeing her like that. No one around us remembered.
The loss of four miscarriages has begun to blur the days of the year. There are more anniversaries of losses than celebrations. In life, you will reach a point where you feel like life is going backwards.
Jun 16, 2011
it is heavy
Yesterday night, I watched the precious tears of my wife stream down her face.
My heart broke. This grief still clings to us. There's no words of comfort that soothes our soul.
Heartbroken is what best describes me presently.
There are good days and bad days. Neither Michele nor I are very much focused, motivated or excited about anything.
I think heartbroken is in the place of sadness where you just drop to your knees and you experience a dream, or the essence of joy melt through your fingers.
It's like a master potter working on this artwork - it's an intimate experience of skill, love, and joy in the marriage of your hands only to have a surreal moment where the pottery suddenly becomes liquid before your eyes. Then the pottery melts into a mist. You feel it slip through your hands with a mixture of emotions ranging from disbelief, bewilderment and sorrow.
Granted I know my experience is not unique, I know many suffer more, but it's madness to rate a person's grief. I'm loving Michele, I have goals, but there's a cloud over me. I thank the Lord for what we have, but my heart is empty. Yet, I know deep in the recess of my soul my eyes must look up - for I know the experience of grief can blur vision, and dampen the heart.
I think the deep question is: where do you find joy in your sorrow?
My heart broke. This grief still clings to us. There's no words of comfort that soothes our soul.
Heartbroken is what best describes me presently.
There are good days and bad days. Neither Michele nor I are very much focused, motivated or excited about anything.
I think heartbroken is in the place of sadness where you just drop to your knees and you experience a dream, or the essence of joy melt through your fingers.
It's like a master potter working on this artwork - it's an intimate experience of skill, love, and joy in the marriage of your hands only to have a surreal moment where the pottery suddenly becomes liquid before your eyes. Then the pottery melts into a mist. You feel it slip through your hands with a mixture of emotions ranging from disbelief, bewilderment and sorrow.
Granted I know my experience is not unique, I know many suffer more, but it's madness to rate a person's grief. I'm loving Michele, I have goals, but there's a cloud over me. I thank the Lord for what we have, but my heart is empty. Yet, I know deep in the recess of my soul my eyes must look up - for I know the experience of grief can blur vision, and dampen the heart.
I think the deep question is: where do you find joy in your sorrow?
Jun 8, 2011
A realizing of grief and dereliction
Psalm 39
12“Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; hold not your peace at my tears! For I am a sojourner with you, a guest, like all my fathers.
13 Look away from me, that I may smile again, before I depart and am no more!”
Grief for the new believer is one of crossing the border of sanity and insanity, the territory of belief and unbelief, doubt and assurance - this nebulous state of our heart is the revelation that we do not know God's heart.
David's prayers were at times wild - going from defeat to praise. Going from despair to triumph. The prayers were not drummed up religious high affluent prose that theologians should take apart - the prayers were conversation of an honest heart that struggle immensely at times. (David almost slaughter Nabal's entire house after an offense - this was a man who would be the King of Israel and struggled and lost his way until Abigail shook him out of his stupor with words like 'slingshot' that awaken him to that God still had a plan for him. 1 Samuel).
Tim Keller, opened my eyes to the heart of God: he wants real prayers - the place of grief is going before God - investing your tears. It means going to God with your deepest pain, anger, hurt and telling God like it is. Grief is indicative of spiritual depth of a person's relationship with God. For the religious man he stuff the emotions down fearing perceived weakness by others and for the world they swim, and sit on the grief allowing it to consume and twist them.
For the child of God, it's the same as having the worse day: you go to your parents with everything in your heart. You cite the anger, frustration, the hurt. Imagine a child beaten at school and comes home. What parent wants their child to 'suck it up' and pretend nothing was wrong? If a parent heard that they would cradle the child, dry the tears, and listen, comfort.
Why would our God be any different? He's different because I fail to understand his nature and his heart. I can just shake my fist, rant, rage, cry, and ultimately find His comfort and peace. I have fail to realize the heart of the father...Psalm 56:8 "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll...".
The religious community finds acts of grief entailing unbelief, anger, rage, despair as weakness or even blasphemous (as if God is shocked to hear that from a pained heart or surprised). A little child's heart in grief is always true, without guile and without any narcissist perception of the importance of self. A child will just scream, grieve, throw tantrums, but they are at least one thing more than us: honest. Did not Jesus said the little children have more insight into the kingdom of heaven than I?
In my mind I think of God sitting on his throne listening to my grief like a judge, whereas in truth he listens like a father holding us like a child.
So I will freely now more into grief knowing God will ultimately hold Michele and I in his arms.
12“Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; hold not your peace at my tears! For I am a sojourner with you, a guest, like all my fathers.
13 Look away from me, that I may smile again, before I depart and am no more!”
Grief for the new believer is one of crossing the border of sanity and insanity, the territory of belief and unbelief, doubt and assurance - this nebulous state of our heart is the revelation that we do not know God's heart.
David's prayers were at times wild - going from defeat to praise. Going from despair to triumph. The prayers were not drummed up religious high affluent prose that theologians should take apart - the prayers were conversation of an honest heart that struggle immensely at times. (David almost slaughter Nabal's entire house after an offense - this was a man who would be the King of Israel and struggled and lost his way until Abigail shook him out of his stupor with words like 'slingshot' that awaken him to that God still had a plan for him. 1 Samuel).
Tim Keller, opened my eyes to the heart of God: he wants real prayers - the place of grief is going before God - investing your tears. It means going to God with your deepest pain, anger, hurt and telling God like it is. Grief is indicative of spiritual depth of a person's relationship with God. For the religious man he stuff the emotions down fearing perceived weakness by others and for the world they swim, and sit on the grief allowing it to consume and twist them.
For the child of God, it's the same as having the worse day: you go to your parents with everything in your heart. You cite the anger, frustration, the hurt. Imagine a child beaten at school and comes home. What parent wants their child to 'suck it up' and pretend nothing was wrong? If a parent heard that they would cradle the child, dry the tears, and listen, comfort.
Why would our God be any different? He's different because I fail to understand his nature and his heart. I can just shake my fist, rant, rage, cry, and ultimately find His comfort and peace. I have fail to realize the heart of the father...Psalm 56:8 "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll...".
The religious community finds acts of grief entailing unbelief, anger, rage, despair as weakness or even blasphemous (as if God is shocked to hear that from a pained heart or surprised). A little child's heart in grief is always true, without guile and without any narcissist perception of the importance of self. A child will just scream, grieve, throw tantrums, but they are at least one thing more than us: honest. Did not Jesus said the little children have more insight into the kingdom of heaven than I?
In my mind I think of God sitting on his throne listening to my grief like a judge, whereas in truth he listens like a father holding us like a child.
So I will freely now more into grief knowing God will ultimately hold Michele and I in his arms.
Jun 5, 2011
Glory
Michele and my faith is one of the most important hallmarks of our lives.
Faith, love and hope. These are three things you cannot live without in life.
In our loss, we deeply struggling with the purpose of our loss. Losing a baby on vacation sounds like the bad timing of a joke. It couldn't be worse.
Michele said, "Love of any significance costs something." She explained in essence of us to maintain our integrity despite our sorrow, pain and agony and still cling to God is precious because it comes at such a cost. The world, it would appear we've been cheated in a random act of cruelty. For us, the reality of heaven is not lost upon us: our children are in heaven.
If one wishes to exist in faith of a world without heaven and where innocent children die without cause that's fine for them, but for my wife and I it goes against the fiber of our being.
So, our children are in a better place, but we must deal with the loss. In dealing with the loss for us to carry pain, sorrow and faith it becomes precious to God because it costs something.
If Bill Gates gave $100 dollars to a poor child, people might applaud the generous act, but a billionaire giving that means it cost very little.
It's the principle of the Kingdom of heaven: the power of the widow's mite. Something precious, glorious comes with a great cost. Always.
A person without money giving the only dollar they have is precious.
A man keeping himself pure unti the day of marriage is a gift.
Love demonstrated with a life surrender to save another.
Faith, love and hope. These are three things you cannot live without in life.
In our loss, we deeply struggling with the purpose of our loss. Losing a baby on vacation sounds like the bad timing of a joke. It couldn't be worse.
Michele said, "Love of any significance costs something." She explained in essence of us to maintain our integrity despite our sorrow, pain and agony and still cling to God is precious because it comes at such a cost. The world, it would appear we've been cheated in a random act of cruelty. For us, the reality of heaven is not lost upon us: our children are in heaven.
If one wishes to exist in faith of a world without heaven and where innocent children die without cause that's fine for them, but for my wife and I it goes against the fiber of our being.
So, our children are in a better place, but we must deal with the loss. In dealing with the loss for us to carry pain, sorrow and faith it becomes precious to God because it costs something.
If Bill Gates gave $100 dollars to a poor child, people might applaud the generous act, but a billionaire giving that means it cost very little.
It's the principle of the Kingdom of heaven: the power of the widow's mite. Something precious, glorious comes with a great cost. Always.
A person without money giving the only dollar they have is precious.
A man keeping himself pure unti the day of marriage is a gift.
Love demonstrated with a life surrender to save another.
Jun 2, 2011
...seeing joy dashed
We thought were we were adopting. Then a surprise pregnancy - everything was going so well. I was excited, stoke and had the expectation of an Olympic runner wanting gold. You go through all the pain, the travail and you can taste the finish line.
I was going to be a dad!
Then life pulls the rug right under you. I had to throw my hands on this one. This one doesn't make sense. Why bring us through this experience because it's a wound opened up with salt poured into it. I don't like seeing my wife go through this. She has endured so much and suffered nobly. Michele never complained and never was bittered. She always surrender her heart to God saying, "For your glory." A quiet resilent faith like her grandmother Genevive.
Does it make sense? No. I've been wrestling with the sovereignty of God on this one and hit the books on the topic of suffering, faith, grieft and trials. I can bounce verses against the wall on this one, but this one I'm just exhausted and tired.
My wife and I said, "We love you God, but we don't understand what you're doing."
It's easy to get sarcastic - one child lost for every year of our marriage. Since 2009 we've seen a death at least once, or twice. Next to my father's this one is even more difficult because this was an expectation of hope.
Also, I've found truly that a miscarriage is the death of a child. It's just as painful.
The only thing I know is this marriage has to be stronger. Trials can tear people apart. We are determined to grief together. Marriage is not my grief alone, it's OUR grief, OUR burden.
I was going to be a dad!
Then life pulls the rug right under you. I had to throw my hands on this one. This one doesn't make sense. Why bring us through this experience because it's a wound opened up with salt poured into it. I don't like seeing my wife go through this. She has endured so much and suffered nobly. Michele never complained and never was bittered. She always surrender her heart to God saying, "For your glory." A quiet resilent faith like her grandmother Genevive.
Does it make sense? No. I've been wrestling with the sovereignty of God on this one and hit the books on the topic of suffering, faith, grieft and trials. I can bounce verses against the wall on this one, but this one I'm just exhausted and tired.
My wife and I said, "We love you God, but we don't understand what you're doing."
It's easy to get sarcastic - one child lost for every year of our marriage. Since 2009 we've seen a death at least once, or twice. Next to my father's this one is even more difficult because this was an expectation of hope.
Also, I've found truly that a miscarriage is the death of a child. It's just as painful.
The only thing I know is this marriage has to be stronger. Trials can tear people apart. We are determined to grief together. Marriage is not my grief alone, it's OUR grief, OUR burden.
...a poem
Does anyone know what tomorrow might be
Anyone one else or just mommy and me
Does anyone know how great today would have been
If you had come now instead of then
It seems people forget to them its just another day
but me and mommy can't think of it that way
Our hearts ache and we can't stop the tears
We keep on wishing that you were still here
Anyone one else or just mommy and me
Does anyone know how great today would have been
If you had come now instead of then
It seems people forget to them its just another day
but me and mommy can't think of it that way
Our hearts ache and we can't stop the tears
We keep on wishing that you were still here
May 28, 2011
...the terrible loss
Never do you expect it - a death on vacation.
After my cousin's wedding - Michele and I went from a high to a tremendous low as we had an emergency. My sister and I had to rush Michele into emergency and we were shocked to find out we lost had a fourth miscarriage.
This one was more visceral and more difficult. I saw our baby.
I went into shock over the whole thing. Every emotion coursed through my heart: anger, sadness, grief, bewilderment, shock, bitterness, thankfulness (for the help), despair...
I admit, it's going to take a lot for me to get over this. Nothing prepared Michele and I for this. The pregnancy was going well. Not doctor, or clue indicated otherwise. Then this happens on vacation. I felt like Job. Having everything stripped away only to never see the ending of this past two years.
This miscarriage was even more difficult considering there's no conclusion. There's not burial, no ceremony...it's a nebulous, unmarked territory you have to deal with. Frankly, I don't want to hear, "...my aunt went through twelve miscarriage and you'll come out." How many losses makes one less painful than others.
Honestly, I think I'll snap if I hear some careless effort of comfort. It's literally like losing your own child...without burying them.
I sobbed driving. I cry at a drop of a hat. This one is extremely difficult.
After my cousin's wedding - Michele and I went from a high to a tremendous low as we had an emergency. My sister and I had to rush Michele into emergency and we were shocked to find out we lost had a fourth miscarriage.
This one was more visceral and more difficult. I saw our baby.
I went into shock over the whole thing. Every emotion coursed through my heart: anger, sadness, grief, bewilderment, shock, bitterness, thankfulness (for the help), despair...
I admit, it's going to take a lot for me to get over this. Nothing prepared Michele and I for this. The pregnancy was going well. Not doctor, or clue indicated otherwise. Then this happens on vacation. I felt like Job. Having everything stripped away only to never see the ending of this past two years.
This miscarriage was even more difficult considering there's no conclusion. There's not burial, no ceremony...it's a nebulous, unmarked territory you have to deal with. Frankly, I don't want to hear, "...my aunt went through twelve miscarriage and you'll come out." How many losses makes one less painful than others.
Honestly, I think I'll snap if I hear some careless effort of comfort. It's literally like losing your own child...without burying them.
I sobbed driving. I cry at a drop of a hat. This one is extremely difficult.