I woke up this morning with a heavy heart.
A heavy heart for my wife.
We were hoping to be pregnant sometime this year, but you know how that goes...
At the beginning of the year, my dad died suddenly in January and the next few months was on the phone and criss-crossing to California to settle finances and trust paperwork.
I looked a my wife last night and wept silently in my heart: she has all the dignity and grace of a good soldier. She treks on despite what's going on inside. She moves about in the same manner without letting her own heart-ache getting the best of her.
Michele has hit 'near death' incidents being laid up in the hospital for a week losing enough hemoglobin to require three transfusions to spending Thanksgiving in the hospital a year ago - in our journey of desiring to be parents.
Yet through it all - I know she's still a woman. A woman was meant to have children - look a Celine Dion spending millions to conceive or an entire hospital industry and research devoted to helping women conceive. It's a 'ache' and joy that every woman yearns for. The second most beautiful picture about a woman is her holding a child, the first obviously her wedding day. That's the other side of a woman - the mother: a remarkable person of commitment, nurturing, love, grace, dignity and shelte; the wedding day highlights her physical beauty, but motherhood shows her inner beauty of her heart.
In the shadows, her dignity shines bright.
She has cried quietly but she has never allowed many situations to steal the joy or cast a gloom over others having what she does not have.
• I remember her buying baby shower gifts for someone and never came back griping or complaining. She shopped with a deliberate effort, not some half-baked 'get-in and-out' attitude.
• When asked if she has children as her school - she always politely explains no, without drawing pity or giving bitterness.
Sometimes I hold her in my arms when she cries afterwards privately...though she lives her life with that value it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
• Celebrating the lives of others when a child is born, or a birthday occurrence with the same excitement of the mother. Michele's perspective and value for kids is the same as the mother itself: she will laugh, play and affirm just as much.
• Not compromising on her values: she pulled out toys from her parents to keep the kids she's a nanny to not be glued and entertain their brain to mush by television (the parents have it on 24/7 almost). All these toys are 'developmental' in value designed to increase imagination, social interaction and growth in a child's brain. It's not her kids, no one asked her, but she does it as if was her own children. Even I was like, "Why spend the extra effort?" She replied resolutely, "Because it matters."
That's why my heart aches: any child in my lovely wife's arms is privileged as much as she is.
As a husband, I think nothing softens, or casts a sensitive spot than my Michele. I am privileged to be her husband and to stand with her. She rarely complains, but she does hurt quietly. If she one day woke up swearing like a sailor and throwing my Mac Pro laptop across the room, I couldn't blame her, but she doesn't. It's a quiet resolute faith and dignity.
That's the remarkable nature of my wife and one day I hope the kids will hear about it.
Oct 27, 2010
Oct 19, 2010
A very short story
ISAIAH 57:19
18 I have seen his ways, and will heal (her);
I will also lead (her),
And restore comforts to (her)
And to his mourners.
19 “I create the fruit of the lips:
Peace, peace to her who is far off and to her who is near,”
Says the Lord,
“And I will heal (her).”
Chapter 1
The knight raced to the limp figure on the forest road.
He finally found her.
He knelt beside her as he pulled his helmet off, and lifted her chin, and he stared into her eyes. They were dilating and her breath was shallow. The maiden was passing into the land of shadows.
The poison in her was stealing her life, little by little. She almost didn’t care at this point, but she found him once more faithful – why doesn’t he give up on me?!
In her heart of hearts she believed he’d journeyed many miles racing across fields and asking town after town where she was. At one point in her own disdain she let herself believed there was no longer any gladness within her hoping her heart would be darkness.
She wanted a quiet place to let her heart dance it’s last dance upon jagged glass and let the life bleed from her.
There wasn’t any room for sorrow, there was too much for one heart to bear.
The forest was quiet. Sunlight stabbed beams of light through the enchanted forest. A warm glow basked around the knight. His eyes were of strength, kindness and comfort.
She smiled weakly as they both sat under the shaded trees. The color of her skin was spotted yellow – the poison was reaching to break her heart. A gentle stroke brushing the hair from her face revealed the face of beauty, but as the gaze of the noble knight looked deeper...sadness overtook him.
He didn’t have much time.. the knight’s heart was heavy as he saw her hand limp.
Then the knight’s warm hand moved upon the maiden’s heart – he held her gently.
The wind rustled hues of various leaves as it stirred around them, and the animals in the forest...stopped. Tiny slices of light began to phase in and out around the two and the knight began to sing. His voice...sang words the girl could not understand. She felt an inner stirring of warmth tingle inside her body, like her blood started to stir as it chased away the coldness within her.
The song seem to increase the brightness of the light that began to slice into this world’s dimension and the leaves swirled around with greater intensity.
Between the embraced figures a soft light grew as embers of yellows, reds began to cast an glow around the two. The song grew in strength...the animals in the forest stopped to stare.
It was familiar to the song of the Athelea Tree....life was being born anew.
Then the knight collapsed gasping...and the girl sat there staring in disbelief. Sweat beads covered his face...her hands touched his face – it was hot like fire.
A fever. She bit her lip and try to hold it back....
She collapsed with tears into his chest. She knew...what happened. The knight heaved his chest with difficulty, and his eyes glazed into darkness. The man smiled weakly to the maiden. It is finished.
She held his head with tears streaking down her face sobbing, “Why did you do this? Why?”
The maiden’s tears salty tears fell upon the knight’s face. He blinked away the wetness.
The knight’s eyes closed, it was like the morning rain after a battle. The song, that was not understood was now...heard.
Life’s passing moment upon the mourning field,
Hope fades from man, and downtrodden he casts,
Whence, light arises like a defender’s shield,
Heaven dips the ladle of ocean’s mercy,
Strength for your flesh and bones,
Life sings her song
Brightly, shining in every lasting glory
Forgotten in the washing of the grace’s rain....
Arise, arise like flowers blooming!
A twinkle in the knight’s eye comforted the woman as the knight’s body began to slowly shake, “So you might live.”
“No, no.” she sobbed, “..this was mine to bear...it was mine.”
“No, it wasn’t yours to bear alone...don’t you see? I’ve journeyed again to once more fight for you. This whole...time I was by your side. I never left, I’ve always loved you from eternity. (I have loved thee with an everlasting love – Jeremiah)
WRITTEN FOR MY DAUGHTER...with love - may you know fairy tales are true.
18 I have seen his ways, and will heal (her);
I will also lead (her),
And restore comforts to (her)
And to his mourners.
19 “I create the fruit of the lips:
Peace, peace to her who is far off and to her who is near,”
Says the Lord,
“And I will heal (her).”
Chapter 1
The knight raced to the limp figure on the forest road.
He finally found her.
He knelt beside her as he pulled his helmet off, and lifted her chin, and he stared into her eyes. They were dilating and her breath was shallow. The maiden was passing into the land of shadows.
The poison in her was stealing her life, little by little. She almost didn’t care at this point, but she found him once more faithful – why doesn’t he give up on me?!
In her heart of hearts she believed he’d journeyed many miles racing across fields and asking town after town where she was. At one point in her own disdain she let herself believed there was no longer any gladness within her hoping her heart would be darkness.
She wanted a quiet place to let her heart dance it’s last dance upon jagged glass and let the life bleed from her.
There wasn’t any room for sorrow, there was too much for one heart to bear.
The forest was quiet. Sunlight stabbed beams of light through the enchanted forest. A warm glow basked around the knight. His eyes were of strength, kindness and comfort.
She smiled weakly as they both sat under the shaded trees. The color of her skin was spotted yellow – the poison was reaching to break her heart. A gentle stroke brushing the hair from her face revealed the face of beauty, but as the gaze of the noble knight looked deeper...sadness overtook him.
He didn’t have much time.. the knight’s heart was heavy as he saw her hand limp.
Then the knight’s warm hand moved upon the maiden’s heart – he held her gently.
The wind rustled hues of various leaves as it stirred around them, and the animals in the forest...stopped. Tiny slices of light began to phase in and out around the two and the knight began to sing. His voice...sang words the girl could not understand. She felt an inner stirring of warmth tingle inside her body, like her blood started to stir as it chased away the coldness within her.
The song seem to increase the brightness of the light that began to slice into this world’s dimension and the leaves swirled around with greater intensity.
Between the embraced figures a soft light grew as embers of yellows, reds began to cast an glow around the two. The song grew in strength...the animals in the forest stopped to stare.
It was familiar to the song of the Athelea Tree....life was being born anew.
Then the knight collapsed gasping...and the girl sat there staring in disbelief. Sweat beads covered his face...her hands touched his face – it was hot like fire.
A fever. She bit her lip and try to hold it back....
She collapsed with tears into his chest. She knew...what happened. The knight heaved his chest with difficulty, and his eyes glazed into darkness. The man smiled weakly to the maiden. It is finished.
She held his head with tears streaking down her face sobbing, “Why did you do this? Why?”
The maiden’s tears salty tears fell upon the knight’s face. He blinked away the wetness.
The knight’s eyes closed, it was like the morning rain after a battle. The song, that was not understood was now...heard.
Life’s passing moment upon the mourning field,
Hope fades from man, and downtrodden he casts,
Whence, light arises like a defender’s shield,
Heaven dips the ladle of ocean’s mercy,
Strength for your flesh and bones,
Life sings her song
Brightly, shining in every lasting glory
Forgotten in the washing of the grace’s rain....
Arise, arise like flowers blooming!
A twinkle in the knight’s eye comforted the woman as the knight’s body began to slowly shake, “So you might live.”
“No, no.” she sobbed, “..this was mine to bear...it was mine.”
“No, it wasn’t yours to bear alone...don’t you see? I’ve journeyed again to once more fight for you. This whole...time I was by your side. I never left, I’ve always loved you from eternity. (I have loved thee with an everlasting love – Jeremiah)
WRITTEN FOR MY DAUGHTER...with love - may you know fairy tales are true.