Heaven Is a Face

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy (no more).

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

SCC

Thanksgiving

When bad thing happen, there's revelation. Sometimes sorrows brings a new vision of thankfulness - that clarity you may have forgotten.

I finally had a chance to settle down and write what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my mother and father-in-law. They drove down early to spend the morning with us during Michele's surgery. They could have stayed at home, but they spent time with us. My mother-in-law is amazing woman, and many days I have deep, deep appreciation for her and the same with my father-in-law: he's an amazing man. A true grandfather who is studying to get his pilot's license, but the amount of wisdom and service he provides to everyone is amazing. I think many times we take people like this granted.

My family. Anytime something bad happens my sisters shine. During this time of sorrow they have stood by me and my parents. My baby sister's calls and my other sister's generosity is always a level of support and comfort I am truly grateful for.

My church family. The amount of phone calls, emails and support offering dinners and meals have been touching. They haven't skirted around the issue - they embraced it and made it their own. People have cried with us...listened to us and extended themselves with love. I am very grateful for a community of friends on this journey of faith.

Ironically, the Facebook friends. The sincerity of it all truly touched me. Al, a man I read about wrote to me and offered both phone numbers (home and cell) to listen to at any hour to Cheryl - a remarkable woman that I didn't know very well, but took time to write beautiful words to comforted my heart. And Tanya - one of those friends that you drop off in contact for years and the moment you communicate it's like where you left off.

My extended in-laws. This Thanksgiving with my nephew and niece brought me back to childhood - life is simpler and care free with more laughter. My nephew made me smile through my sorrows - he reminded me so much of me.

I am thankful for God. His peace and healing in my life is a constant source of re-focus. When the world falls apart, or when the sun shines I know this life isn't about me. It's about Him. He is a source of hope, and purpose.

Lastly, I am thankful for my wife. Life is hard. But the person you have the opportunity to go through life's valleys and mountain peaks is the real privilege of it all.

My amazing wife...

Michele was getting ready for surgery.

I looked at her, and just before her parents arrived I looked at her and I found my eyes welling with tears. I whispered, "You've been through so much."

My heart hurt for just a moment. Last time I almost lost her and this time we find ourselves in the hospital once again.

Then the thought dawn on me - I wanted 2009 to end in happiness because my wife is awesome.

No, she's never been one to want 'shine in the spotlight' but very few people know the pure gold this woman truly is. Yes, every husband SHOULD say that about their wives, but I've been fortunate to glimpse into the beauty of her soul.

Michele certainly has her grandmother's faith. A quiet, noble, dignify spirit about her. She rarely draws attention to herself, but deep down there is a passionate woman about things that matter her. I love watching her eyes blaze about issues that she cares deeply about or situations related to injustices. There's a tough realist in her which if you ever pout, or whine you'll find little sympathy but a swift butt kick to get your act together.

Yet, when poverty or the cold winter of life cause tragic or trials to a person you'll never guess she was behind those prayers for you. Those thoughts and that heart beseeching on your behalf - I've seen my wife quietly pray over her list of people ranging from cancer fighters to people who just need a hug from God.

My wife is the reason for 'crazy giving': I've seen her sacrifice so she can send more money to children. My wife will give up whatever it takes to give and in our marriage she has been the heartbeat of us a couple to charity we support. What we gave in some years caused me to pee my pants like a first grader, but her continual faithfulness and wisdom have brought us financial stability because of her we live a more balanced life of not spending money on things that don't matter.

Michele through out this trial never compromised her faith. She has been stronger than even me. She whispered to me, "We have the joy of the Lord." That statement is startling because I've seen her humanity and faith mixed, but her integrity of our faith and what is true has never been shaken. She's more than ready to admit we need something more than 'inner strength' in life. Her inner character just blew me away this year. She has a strength that is like a flower upon a windy hill bending but not breaking. This year I've leaned on her for comfort and strength.

My wife is strong and consistent, but she's not as predictable as you think: twice in my life she shocked me. One was the year after we're married and we were talking about vacationing and her eyes sparkled like a child as she smirked, "Let's see if we can get into a cage and play with the Great White." The only "Great White" I know was the meat-loving predator that inspired fear with it's razor teeth and supreme hunting skills: SHARK. Yup, when most dudes would just make a mess in their pants my wife wants to snuggle up with a killer for vacation. The other thing that she wanted to do before she got pregnant was doing the most crazy thing: jumping out of a perfectly mechanically-sound plane for fun. Yup, skydiving.

In all this, the trials have d stripped the distractions of life and put a clarity in my vision of my wife.

She's a great gift. People look at us and may see me in the spotlight, but she's the better half of our marriage. She hides my flaws and makes me look good. I honestly know what a privilege, and honor it is to be her husband. She quietly loves me without pomp or circumstance: for crying out, this woman is so careful with our money she refused to buy clothes to save money. She wore the same jeans since college, and I'm sure she looks just as lovely as she is now as then. I finally put my foot down and said with a smile, "We are going out with several hundred dollars to update your wardrobe sweetie because you deserve it and you need some pampering."

I'm very fortunate she came into my life. That's why the monthly flowers, the little notes and butterfly kisses I give is just a small token of my deep, deep gratitude of blessing this amazing woman is to me.

Michele Ann, you are amazing, and as I keep this blog alive for our kids and our grandchildren may it continually be a testament to the world of who we are and what holds us together.

**

I miss you

You know how you hear things...and you shake it off thinking it's not like that? That doubt, or that consternation of you knowing better?

That phrase, "...a breaking heart." is more real to me now.

My heart DOES break. I drove actually feeling GRIEF in a physical manner I've never felt before.

I miss you my child.

I miss wanting to hold you with eyes welling with tears of joy, I miss the opportunity to kiss your forehead as daddy says goodnight, I miss most of all the opportunity to hold you gazing into your eyes wondering if you look like dad or mom?

***

Finding the loss of my child, I do feel physical pain. I've been trying not to think about it because there's too much work to be done. But when vacation starts...I know it's like a glass heart: the moments of life strikes it and then a fissures starts this spider web of cracks.

That spider web of crack will grow and then you feel more of each day. I find myself losing to moments of grief. It comes and goes.

The loss this time is great. If things went accordingly to my plans: Michele and I would be the proud parents of two children. Instead, we're left staring into the room with a crib, changing station and rocker with no child to lay down to sleep.

It was OUR child. The fruition of commitment, love and the blessing of family.

Instead this winter I stare down winter's path accompanied by howling winds standing in the cold.

Yesterday my first born was suppose to greet us, instead we feel death's chill upon us. This one I am afraid weighs on my heart more heavy than the first.

My heart does break more and more each day.

Yet, whatever we desire, feel, or ache...I know God feels more. More power, more wisdom, more joy, and more grief. He knows us. He always knows more: more laughs, more joy, more anger, more sorrow, more patience, more mercy.

Yet, it doesn't change or erase the sorrows that I feel.

...looking UP

Through it all, I am glad to have my Michele...

Baby R Us

...ever waited for that school bell to signal the END OF SCHOOL and the beginning of summer?

...ever wait on Christmas morning to get up to presents and the warm atmosphere of the holidays with family and friends?

...ever feel like that scene in Apollo 13 when the entire nation waited to see if the three astronauts would make it back alive?

Yah, that's how I felt when the nurse scoped during the ultra-sound last week and said nothing.

I looked at my wife and we waited. And waited.

I closed my eyes briefly, and silently prayed, Please God, not again.

The nurse check the fallopian tube and then the ovaries on the machine once again. She said nothing. Then she repeated that first scene still in my head when we learned that we had an ectopic pregnancy: constant key movements, and zooming in-out of images of the ultra-sound machine.

Finally, the nurse said something, "Yes...I think we see something." I blinked.

The nurse smiled, "...it's small, but it's there."

We learned we were going to be parents. I blinked away a tear as my throat tighten: a miracle.

Thank you God.

Afterwards I quietly walked with my wife and stared at her face - she was glowing. I kissed her gently on her cheek, "Mother of my child, I love you."

(and that my child is how your journey began: with a miracle)

Jump start

I look at my heart moving casually in this life,
Pulsating dull, forgetting what God has done,
Moving through the motion of humanity,
Let me see through the sea of faces,
The eyes of the One who told eternity to me,

To see the eyes of love on that Hill,
Plunge me deep, to that place once again,
Let me run the distance of that width,
I want to climb the height so much more,

Oh the deep, deep love.
The love of Jesus;
The deep, deep love.

I know there's more than to this life,
Than glittering toys or fading pleasures,
Caught in the net of broken dreams,
I hear the faint whisper while in my darkness,
The strong voice of a God who loves us so,

Oh, you beckon me to come and see,
That river of life poured out for me,
Free and full of grace and all of you,
My heart swells once more to shout,

Oh the deep, deep love.
The love of Jesus;
The deep, deep love.

I see it once again from my wilderness,
A vision once dull, now so clear,
The eyes of my King and the marks of His love,
My heart exalts in Him once again,
There is none so lovely, bright or so pure,

You brought me from shades of night,
Clothed and adopted as a son of light,
Oh the deep thanks of tears begins to flow,
From this grateful heart to the one I own,
You are my King, forever I am yours.

(Written at 4:10am Thursday)