You know how you hear things...and you shake it off thinking it's not like that? That doubt, or that consternation of you knowing better?
That phrase, "...a breaking heart." is more real to me now.
My heart DOES break. I drove actually feeling GRIEF in a physical manner I've never felt before.
I miss you my child.
I miss wanting to hold you with eyes welling with tears of joy, I miss the opportunity to kiss your forehead as daddy says goodnight, I miss most of all the opportunity to hold you gazing into your eyes wondering if you look like dad or mom?
***
Finding the loss of my child, I do feel physical pain. I've been trying not to think about it because there's too much work to be done. But when vacation starts...I know it's like a glass heart: the moments of life strikes it and then a fissures starts this spider web of cracks.
That spider web of crack will grow and then you feel more of each day. I find myself losing to moments of grief. It comes and goes.
The loss this time is great. If things went accordingly to my plans: Michele and I would be the proud parents of two children. Instead, we're left staring into the room with a crib, changing station and rocker with no child to lay down to sleep.
It was OUR child. The fruition of commitment, love and the blessing of family.
Instead this winter I stare down winter's path accompanied by howling winds standing in the cold.
Yesterday my first born was suppose to greet us, instead we feel death's chill upon us. This one I am afraid weighs on my heart more heavy than the first.
My heart does break more and more each day.
Yet, whatever we desire, feel, or ache...I know God feels more. More power, more wisdom, more joy, and more grief. He knows us. He always knows more: more laughs, more joy, more anger, more sorrow, more patience, more mercy.
Yet, it doesn't change or erase the sorrows that I feel.