What do I think? I don't know. There's a part of me that can't grieve.
I've managed my whole life to bottle up, now I'm at the point that I must face my emotions.
The last one was difficult: we lost another baby girl. For some reason that just hurts a lot. Losing a little girl...just makes it so difficult. This baby girl was going to be named Grace. And that's the irony of the name, 'Grace'. Lost her about a month ago.
It's even difficult just writing about this. I don't know why. Maybe because it hurts so much. I know there's a part of me that wants to cry for hours. There's no book on this type of stuff. Your smartphone has a manual. Your car has a manual. You even get a manual for your kitchen items as to how to wash it and care for it. No one has a manual for losing kids. Five kids. One father all in the span of three years.
And it's taken this long for me to realize that I just need to cry. I know if I don't I will never be whole. I know I'm a knot of emotion because I saw an ESPN documentary about a little girl, cute as a button dying and befriended a college star WR. I watched the documentary alone, with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't stop the tears.
I know at least I'm normal; my grief counselor said, "Look, losing five babies and your father in about two years...cut yourself some slack. It's difficult." That was very helpful, because I didn't know what I should be doing, feeling, or thinking. Now it's good to know that you must cry, you must ache and then you will heal.