2010.
My father died. We had two miscarriages.
We got into an accident with a hit and run driver, helping support friends who gone through cancer, job loss, welfare, divorce...
The list is long.
I've watched my wife go through her very difficult moments with our miscarriages. We spent two years trying and we've just said with deep sigh: if we get pregnant it'll be a miracle. We joked about how Michele might get pregnant after our ectopic pregnancy with one fallopian tube. It didn't happen.
This is one year where every month either my wife or I were crying.
Yet through it all, during one poignant moment when my wife was grieving I whispered holding her, "I'd do it all over again to walk this journey with you." Through the pain, the tears, the exhaustion, the grief and the sorrows - I'd still be by her side.
That's love - a commitment to stand with someone when the joy of is gone. Anyone will stand with you in the sunshine, but when the bitter cold winds and rain comes in a dark grey cloud you find out who you really are.
I remember my vow - and I gladly take it again for my wife. She's been there for me through this sorrowful year. She saw me at my worse and lowest - when days I couldn't roll out of bed overcome by the sorrows of life. My wife's love brought healing like a balm and I am thankful I never missed my 'once a month' flowers for her. It's that simple promise I made to her when were married. I'll always buy those flowers.
In lieu of this I don't see my life as 'sucking'. I see the reason why soldiers bond so well: you go through things that unless you were there - people have no idea of what you're talking about. That's the bond of a soldier to one another: brothers-in-arms.
Life is hard - that's why when you commit yourself to someone you want to know truly who will be there through thick and thin.
My wife is my friend, companion, strength and inspiration.
I can honestly say in 2010 we've traversed our battlefield scarred, but more loyal to one another than ever.
Dec 4, 2010
Oct 27, 2010
My remarkable Michele
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart.
A heavy heart for my wife.
We were hoping to be pregnant sometime this year, but you know how that goes...
At the beginning of the year, my dad died suddenly in January and the next few months was on the phone and criss-crossing to California to settle finances and trust paperwork.
I looked a my wife last night and wept silently in my heart: she has all the dignity and grace of a good soldier. She treks on despite what's going on inside. She moves about in the same manner without letting her own heart-ache getting the best of her.
Michele has hit 'near death' incidents being laid up in the hospital for a week losing enough hemoglobin to require three transfusions to spending Thanksgiving in the hospital a year ago - in our journey of desiring to be parents.
Yet through it all - I know she's still a woman. A woman was meant to have children - look a Celine Dion spending millions to conceive or an entire hospital industry and research devoted to helping women conceive. It's a 'ache' and joy that every woman yearns for. The second most beautiful picture about a woman is her holding a child, the first obviously her wedding day. That's the other side of a woman - the mother: a remarkable person of commitment, nurturing, love, grace, dignity and shelte; the wedding day highlights her physical beauty, but motherhood shows her inner beauty of her heart.
In the shadows, her dignity shines bright.
She has cried quietly but she has never allowed many situations to steal the joy or cast a gloom over others having what she does not have.
• I remember her buying baby shower gifts for someone and never came back griping or complaining. She shopped with a deliberate effort, not some half-baked 'get-in and-out' attitude.
• When asked if she has children as her school - she always politely explains no, without drawing pity or giving bitterness.
Sometimes I hold her in my arms when she cries afterwards privately...though she lives her life with that value it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
• Celebrating the lives of others when a child is born, or a birthday occurrence with the same excitement of the mother. Michele's perspective and value for kids is the same as the mother itself: she will laugh, play and affirm just as much.
• Not compromising on her values: she pulled out toys from her parents to keep the kids she's a nanny to not be glued and entertain their brain to mush by television (the parents have it on 24/7 almost). All these toys are 'developmental' in value designed to increase imagination, social interaction and growth in a child's brain. It's not her kids, no one asked her, but she does it as if was her own children. Even I was like, "Why spend the extra effort?" She replied resolutely, "Because it matters."
That's why my heart aches: any child in my lovely wife's arms is privileged as much as she is.
As a husband, I think nothing softens, or casts a sensitive spot than my Michele. I am privileged to be her husband and to stand with her. She rarely complains, but she does hurt quietly. If she one day woke up swearing like a sailor and throwing my Mac Pro laptop across the room, I couldn't blame her, but she doesn't. It's a quiet resolute faith and dignity.
That's the remarkable nature of my wife and one day I hope the kids will hear about it.
A heavy heart for my wife.
We were hoping to be pregnant sometime this year, but you know how that goes...
At the beginning of the year, my dad died suddenly in January and the next few months was on the phone and criss-crossing to California to settle finances and trust paperwork.
I looked a my wife last night and wept silently in my heart: she has all the dignity and grace of a good soldier. She treks on despite what's going on inside. She moves about in the same manner without letting her own heart-ache getting the best of her.
Michele has hit 'near death' incidents being laid up in the hospital for a week losing enough hemoglobin to require three transfusions to spending Thanksgiving in the hospital a year ago - in our journey of desiring to be parents.
Yet through it all - I know she's still a woman. A woman was meant to have children - look a Celine Dion spending millions to conceive or an entire hospital industry and research devoted to helping women conceive. It's a 'ache' and joy that every woman yearns for. The second most beautiful picture about a woman is her holding a child, the first obviously her wedding day. That's the other side of a woman - the mother: a remarkable person of commitment, nurturing, love, grace, dignity and shelte; the wedding day highlights her physical beauty, but motherhood shows her inner beauty of her heart.
In the shadows, her dignity shines bright.
She has cried quietly but she has never allowed many situations to steal the joy or cast a gloom over others having what she does not have.
• I remember her buying baby shower gifts for someone and never came back griping or complaining. She shopped with a deliberate effort, not some half-baked 'get-in and-out' attitude.
• When asked if she has children as her school - she always politely explains no, without drawing pity or giving bitterness.
Sometimes I hold her in my arms when she cries afterwards privately...though she lives her life with that value it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
• Celebrating the lives of others when a child is born, or a birthday occurrence with the same excitement of the mother. Michele's perspective and value for kids is the same as the mother itself: she will laugh, play and affirm just as much.
• Not compromising on her values: she pulled out toys from her parents to keep the kids she's a nanny to not be glued and entertain their brain to mush by television (the parents have it on 24/7 almost). All these toys are 'developmental' in value designed to increase imagination, social interaction and growth in a child's brain. It's not her kids, no one asked her, but she does it as if was her own children. Even I was like, "Why spend the extra effort?" She replied resolutely, "Because it matters."
That's why my heart aches: any child in my lovely wife's arms is privileged as much as she is.
As a husband, I think nothing softens, or casts a sensitive spot than my Michele. I am privileged to be her husband and to stand with her. She rarely complains, but she does hurt quietly. If she one day woke up swearing like a sailor and throwing my Mac Pro laptop across the room, I couldn't blame her, but she doesn't. It's a quiet resolute faith and dignity.
That's the remarkable nature of my wife and one day I hope the kids will hear about it.
Oct 19, 2010
A very short story
ISAIAH 57:19
18 I have seen his ways, and will heal (her);
I will also lead (her),
And restore comforts to (her)
And to his mourners.
19 “I create the fruit of the lips:
Peace, peace to her who is far off and to her who is near,”
Says the Lord,
“And I will heal (her).”
Chapter 1
The knight raced to the limp figure on the forest road.
He finally found her.
He knelt beside her as he pulled his helmet off, and lifted her chin, and he stared into her eyes. They were dilating and her breath was shallow. The maiden was passing into the land of shadows.
The poison in her was stealing her life, little by little. She almost didn’t care at this point, but she found him once more faithful – why doesn’t he give up on me?!
In her heart of hearts she believed he’d journeyed many miles racing across fields and asking town after town where she was. At one point in her own disdain she let herself believed there was no longer any gladness within her hoping her heart would be darkness.
She wanted a quiet place to let her heart dance it’s last dance upon jagged glass and let the life bleed from her.
There wasn’t any room for sorrow, there was too much for one heart to bear.
The forest was quiet. Sunlight stabbed beams of light through the enchanted forest. A warm glow basked around the knight. His eyes were of strength, kindness and comfort.
She smiled weakly as they both sat under the shaded trees. The color of her skin was spotted yellow – the poison was reaching to break her heart. A gentle stroke brushing the hair from her face revealed the face of beauty, but as the gaze of the noble knight looked deeper...sadness overtook him.
He didn’t have much time.. the knight’s heart was heavy as he saw her hand limp.
Then the knight’s warm hand moved upon the maiden’s heart – he held her gently.
The wind rustled hues of various leaves as it stirred around them, and the animals in the forest...stopped. Tiny slices of light began to phase in and out around the two and the knight began to sing. His voice...sang words the girl could not understand. She felt an inner stirring of warmth tingle inside her body, like her blood started to stir as it chased away the coldness within her.
The song seem to increase the brightness of the light that began to slice into this world’s dimension and the leaves swirled around with greater intensity.
Between the embraced figures a soft light grew as embers of yellows, reds began to cast an glow around the two. The song grew in strength...the animals in the forest stopped to stare.
It was familiar to the song of the Athelea Tree....life was being born anew.
Then the knight collapsed gasping...and the girl sat there staring in disbelief. Sweat beads covered his face...her hands touched his face – it was hot like fire.
A fever. She bit her lip and try to hold it back....
She collapsed with tears into his chest. She knew...what happened. The knight heaved his chest with difficulty, and his eyes glazed into darkness. The man smiled weakly to the maiden. It is finished.
She held his head with tears streaking down her face sobbing, “Why did you do this? Why?”
The maiden’s tears salty tears fell upon the knight’s face. He blinked away the wetness.
The knight’s eyes closed, it was like the morning rain after a battle. The song, that was not understood was now...heard.
Life’s passing moment upon the mourning field,
Hope fades from man, and downtrodden he casts,
Whence, light arises like a defender’s shield,
Heaven dips the ladle of ocean’s mercy,
Strength for your flesh and bones,
Life sings her song
Brightly, shining in every lasting glory
Forgotten in the washing of the grace’s rain....
Arise, arise like flowers blooming!
A twinkle in the knight’s eye comforted the woman as the knight’s body began to slowly shake, “So you might live.”
“No, no.” she sobbed, “..this was mine to bear...it was mine.”
“No, it wasn’t yours to bear alone...don’t you see? I’ve journeyed again to once more fight for you. This whole...time I was by your side. I never left, I’ve always loved you from eternity. (I have loved thee with an everlasting love – Jeremiah)
WRITTEN FOR MY DAUGHTER...with love - may you know fairy tales are true.
18 I have seen his ways, and will heal (her);
I will also lead (her),
And restore comforts to (her)
And to his mourners.
19 “I create the fruit of the lips:
Peace, peace to her who is far off and to her who is near,”
Says the Lord,
“And I will heal (her).”
Chapter 1
The knight raced to the limp figure on the forest road.
He finally found her.
He knelt beside her as he pulled his helmet off, and lifted her chin, and he stared into her eyes. They were dilating and her breath was shallow. The maiden was passing into the land of shadows.
The poison in her was stealing her life, little by little. She almost didn’t care at this point, but she found him once more faithful – why doesn’t he give up on me?!
In her heart of hearts she believed he’d journeyed many miles racing across fields and asking town after town where she was. At one point in her own disdain she let herself believed there was no longer any gladness within her hoping her heart would be darkness.
She wanted a quiet place to let her heart dance it’s last dance upon jagged glass and let the life bleed from her.
There wasn’t any room for sorrow, there was too much for one heart to bear.
The forest was quiet. Sunlight stabbed beams of light through the enchanted forest. A warm glow basked around the knight. His eyes were of strength, kindness and comfort.
She smiled weakly as they both sat under the shaded trees. The color of her skin was spotted yellow – the poison was reaching to break her heart. A gentle stroke brushing the hair from her face revealed the face of beauty, but as the gaze of the noble knight looked deeper...sadness overtook him.
He didn’t have much time.. the knight’s heart was heavy as he saw her hand limp.
Then the knight’s warm hand moved upon the maiden’s heart – he held her gently.
The wind rustled hues of various leaves as it stirred around them, and the animals in the forest...stopped. Tiny slices of light began to phase in and out around the two and the knight began to sing. His voice...sang words the girl could not understand. She felt an inner stirring of warmth tingle inside her body, like her blood started to stir as it chased away the coldness within her.
The song seem to increase the brightness of the light that began to slice into this world’s dimension and the leaves swirled around with greater intensity.
Between the embraced figures a soft light grew as embers of yellows, reds began to cast an glow around the two. The song grew in strength...the animals in the forest stopped to stare.
It was familiar to the song of the Athelea Tree....life was being born anew.
Then the knight collapsed gasping...and the girl sat there staring in disbelief. Sweat beads covered his face...her hands touched his face – it was hot like fire.
A fever. She bit her lip and try to hold it back....
She collapsed with tears into his chest. She knew...what happened. The knight heaved his chest with difficulty, and his eyes glazed into darkness. The man smiled weakly to the maiden. It is finished.
She held his head with tears streaking down her face sobbing, “Why did you do this? Why?”
The maiden’s tears salty tears fell upon the knight’s face. He blinked away the wetness.
The knight’s eyes closed, it was like the morning rain after a battle. The song, that was not understood was now...heard.
Life’s passing moment upon the mourning field,
Hope fades from man, and downtrodden he casts,
Whence, light arises like a defender’s shield,
Heaven dips the ladle of ocean’s mercy,
Strength for your flesh and bones,
Life sings her song
Brightly, shining in every lasting glory
Forgotten in the washing of the grace’s rain....
Arise, arise like flowers blooming!
A twinkle in the knight’s eye comforted the woman as the knight’s body began to slowly shake, “So you might live.”
“No, no.” she sobbed, “..this was mine to bear...it was mine.”
“No, it wasn’t yours to bear alone...don’t you see? I’ve journeyed again to once more fight for you. This whole...time I was by your side. I never left, I’ve always loved you from eternity. (I have loved thee with an everlasting love – Jeremiah)
WRITTEN FOR MY DAUGHTER...with love - may you know fairy tales are true.
Sep 27, 2010
Ignoring the natural world
Today's soil fertilizer - man-made consists of (M, P, K - nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium) but soil requires 52 minerals for the right soil to produce optimum conditions.
Would you bake a cake with 3 ingredients, but skip the 49 remaining? THe obvious conclusion is a food supply missing huge nutritional value and missing components in a cake, or a car will have consequences.
Why does the corporate farms, the food industry and government ignore this simple fact?
Because it's our arrogance tied into 'man's genius' and thinking we know better. It also doesn't make anyone money. If you can skip out 49 ingredients and still grow food that looks ok, but is missing the missing components no one sees -- it's good for shareholders.
Here's the main thought: research and take responsibility in reading you will find the establishment of man comes to a point where it's not cutting-edge knowledge, but the protectionism of power, and money. Morally, if you grow food, or supply medicine you must respect how the world really operates. Taking the major components of soil which translates into proper nutrition in our foods is morally wrong. God never intended it that way, and we ignore the process in the false pretense of science, and greed.
***
That's the trouble living in a world where there's an establishment and a billion dollar industry that has it's tentacles in food, and medicine. The drug industry world-wide is a 1/2 trillion dollar industry [foodmatters].
Bill Williams founder of AA suffered greatly from depression - a friend, a medical researcher suggested he take Niacin (B3) and in huge quantities and the result? He was cured of depression. WHAT IF niacin takes out the profit margin of a company by $300 million dollars? You'll never have the medical establishment advocate this idea of taking high dosages of niacin. Yet, why isn't the medical community exploring this idea if there is remotely a possibility? Because the medical schools, the FDA, the testing labs and medical journals are all lined and directly linked to the giant drug companies of today.
There's a huge protectionism of power and the suppression of knowledge that there is a huge link between nutrition and health.
The Hippocrates said, "Let thy foods be thy medicine". He also believed the body had an innate ability to heal itself if given the proper time and nutrition, yet despite doctors being taught the Hippocratic oath why isn't nutrition emphasized more?
There is a suppression of the 'natural world knowledge'. If you understand how the natural world there is a design. Many problems related to health is 'GIGO' in old computer terms: 'garbage in, garbage out'.
Case in point: Linus Pauling advocated high dosages of vitamin C to ward of colds and numerous health problems. His medical research is barely discussed today. That research is suppressed and ignored.
Mr. Pauling was no slouch either: he was a colleague of Albert Einstein and is esteemed as one of 20th century's greatest scientists and was referred by colleagues as one of the greatest minds named, 'father of molecular biology'. Yet his research into vitamin C was waved off by the medical community. Today, there are case where high dosages of vitamin C in an IV form up to 200,000 mg actually cured cancer patients.
Yet, we all know statement: 'high doses of vitamins' kill people. In the last 25 years where vitamins where prescribed only 10 people died of vitamin overdosages. You know the yearly rate of people dying of prescribed 'drug reactionary deaths'? 10,000+ per year.
I have the utmost respect for doctors - but we must reach the conclusion - an establishment doesn't mean it's always correct. In fact any establishment is always protecting itself in some form or fashion. Think about how a doctor would feel if half his patient could be cured and healed by proper nutrition and exercise? Conclusion: it would make him less important.
Imagine if some health issues could be cured by proper nutrition - what would that do to the drug industry? It would have a crippling effect.
The issue three-fold. One, we ignore the natural world with 'science' at our own peril. There's a natural consequence if you bake a cake with only three ingredients. How good is your food when your fertilization of your soil is missing 49 key ingredients? Secondly, the establishment in any entity should make you pause. The knowledge they possess will always be protected if you challenge it. Why don't drug companies throw up their hands and say, "In Japan we find that people are living upwards of 90 plus years and you should do what they do." instead of shoving drug after drug our way to a life-time commitment of heart-disease medications? Profit . Thirdly, we allow ourselves to be fed whatever comes our way because we fail to take responsibility.
The greatest mastery a person can undertake is mastery of themselves and respect the natural world and it's design.
Would you bake a cake with 3 ingredients, but skip the 49 remaining? THe obvious conclusion is a food supply missing huge nutritional value and missing components in a cake, or a car will have consequences.
Why does the corporate farms, the food industry and government ignore this simple fact?
Because it's our arrogance tied into 'man's genius' and thinking we know better. It also doesn't make anyone money. If you can skip out 49 ingredients and still grow food that looks ok, but is missing the missing components no one sees -- it's good for shareholders.
Here's the main thought: research and take responsibility in reading you will find the establishment of man comes to a point where it's not cutting-edge knowledge, but the protectionism of power, and money. Morally, if you grow food, or supply medicine you must respect how the world really operates. Taking the major components of soil which translates into proper nutrition in our foods is morally wrong. God never intended it that way, and we ignore the process in the false pretense of science, and greed.
***
That's the trouble living in a world where there's an establishment and a billion dollar industry that has it's tentacles in food, and medicine. The drug industry world-wide is a 1/2 trillion dollar industry [foodmatters].
Bill Williams founder of AA suffered greatly from depression - a friend, a medical researcher suggested he take Niacin (B3) and in huge quantities and the result? He was cured of depression. WHAT IF niacin takes out the profit margin of a company by $300 million dollars? You'll never have the medical establishment advocate this idea of taking high dosages of niacin. Yet, why isn't the medical community exploring this idea if there is remotely a possibility? Because the medical schools, the FDA, the testing labs and medical journals are all lined and directly linked to the giant drug companies of today.
There's a huge protectionism of power and the suppression of knowledge that there is a huge link between nutrition and health.
The Hippocrates said, "Let thy foods be thy medicine". He also believed the body had an innate ability to heal itself if given the proper time and nutrition, yet despite doctors being taught the Hippocratic oath why isn't nutrition emphasized more?
There is a suppression of the 'natural world knowledge'. If you understand how the natural world there is a design. Many problems related to health is 'GIGO' in old computer terms: 'garbage in, garbage out'.
Case in point: Linus Pauling advocated high dosages of vitamin C to ward of colds and numerous health problems. His medical research is barely discussed today. That research is suppressed and ignored.
Mr. Pauling was no slouch either: he was a colleague of Albert Einstein and is esteemed as one of 20th century's greatest scientists and was referred by colleagues as one of the greatest minds named, 'father of molecular biology'. Yet his research into vitamin C was waved off by the medical community. Today, there are case where high dosages of vitamin C in an IV form up to 200,000 mg actually cured cancer patients.
Yet, we all know statement: 'high doses of vitamins' kill people. In the last 25 years where vitamins where prescribed only 10 people died of vitamin overdosages. You know the yearly rate of people dying of prescribed 'drug reactionary deaths'? 10,000+ per year.
I have the utmost respect for doctors - but we must reach the conclusion - an establishment doesn't mean it's always correct. In fact any establishment is always protecting itself in some form or fashion. Think about how a doctor would feel if half his patient could be cured and healed by proper nutrition and exercise? Conclusion: it would make him less important.
Imagine if some health issues could be cured by proper nutrition - what would that do to the drug industry? It would have a crippling effect.
The issue three-fold. One, we ignore the natural world with 'science' at our own peril. There's a natural consequence if you bake a cake with only three ingredients. How good is your food when your fertilization of your soil is missing 49 key ingredients? Secondly, the establishment in any entity should make you pause. The knowledge they possess will always be protected if you challenge it. Why don't drug companies throw up their hands and say, "In Japan we find that people are living upwards of 90 plus years and you should do what they do." instead of shoving drug after drug our way to a life-time commitment of heart-disease medications? Profit . Thirdly, we allow ourselves to be fed whatever comes our way because we fail to take responsibility.
The greatest mastery a person can undertake is mastery of themselves and respect the natural world and it's design.
Sep 11, 2010
THE WORLD IS FLAT
In his well written book, "The World is Flat" Thomas Friedman wrote on several principles that we are finding out today coming into fruition. (If you never read the book, it's on my top 50 books 'must read')
The situation of the crazy pastor wanting a 'burn a Koran day' illustrates one of the principles of Friedman. The internet age has enabled one chaotic principle: Open Source: Communities uploading and collaborating on online projects. Examples include open source software, blogs, and Wikipedia. Friedman considers the phenomenon "the most disruptive force of all".
Long ago, there was always a centrality of power and knowledge. Huge institutions or entities. For the military there was always one dominant force be it the Roman Empire or the United States with her seven fleets controlling the seas. That paradigm shifted with the internet creating smaller military powers: terrorists. The result of that is a by product of the internet giving the power of shared information.
Case in point: if you were Al Queda- you found a way to make a portable IED made of eight simple house hold products and you post it on the internet - guess how quickly you just empowered some terrorist in sandals somewhere in the Middle East.
Politically it's the same. The internet changed even geo-political power. YouTube can make or break a political career. Remember the recent incident of a black woman seen on YouTube video and was going to be fired because one extreme tea-party nut decided to post a partial video of her speech on racism? When Obama was elected there was a viral video of a girl singing a parody of her crush on the new Democratic candidate - it was a hit.
Before technology came along you had a political central organization - the press (newspapers and magazine) would only covered established voices of power. If Abraham Lincoln declared war it would be covered, but it would take a few weeks till it reach the West Coast, but as communications improve the news got out faster. However you still covered the recognized political voices - namely in the United States the major parties.
Then the internet comes along. Terry Jones' voice in the 1800's or 1700's would never make it past town. He'd probably be preaching in a barn and the news would just stay there with the cows.
The internet allows for a greater voice and message impact than ever and you don't even have to be that important. Yes, the internet allows information to be passed on in such a greater capacity so much so Terry Jones could LITERALLY change the geo-political atmosphere and impact even military strategies.
Frankly, the modern press of FoxNews to CNN shouldn't even cover this idiot in the first place because you give credence to it. Some radical Islamic would record that put it on YouTube and within hours it reaches Europe and Afghanistan. Then the Muslim community is an uproar in the Middle East. Our troops fighting there finds an anger that is misplaced because Jones doesn't represent me or the majority of America.
Do you see it?
Technology - the internet is probably the most disruptive force in our society. Responsibly used - you can try to send grandma's old tea cup set to a million eBay collectors today whereas in the 70's you would have to wait until someone read your 1"x2" classified ad in the middle of two thousand ads. Irresponsibly or maliciously used you write a virus and title it "Funniest Stunt Video gone wrong" and you infect a million computers and keep the IT department looking like Einstein.
Fact is: Terry Jones in the 1970 alone would have never made the news. Just like Lindsay Lohan.
Fact number two: it's becoming more and difficult for people to filter and critically think their way through a conclusion. Analyze Terry Jones just for a fact. He's a small time pastor on the fringe, and honestly does anyone thinks he represent America? Absolutely not. Yet, we've come to the point where the general in Afghanistan, the U.S. president, and even the Vatican has to respond to this!
Fact number three: thirdly, we live in a world where we find a population with less critical thinking than ever. Where have we become as a world when if you post one video it's fact? Or that it's not 'layered' meaning it could be a prank, a joke, taking out of context, or not 'entirely the whole story'?
The modern press itself reflects this inability to critically think. Covering the Terry Jones situation was irresponsible because ultimately it ruins our relationship in the Middle East, it places our troops in danger with the growing anger, it also wasted everyone's time and resources of commenting, "Terry Jones doesn't stand for America."
Now, finishing that I need to write some silly iPhone app, and see if I can get a million people to buy it and retire.
The situation of the crazy pastor wanting a 'burn a Koran day' illustrates one of the principles of Friedman. The internet age has enabled one chaotic principle: Open Source: Communities uploading and collaborating on online projects. Examples include open source software, blogs, and Wikipedia. Friedman considers the phenomenon "the most disruptive force of all".
Long ago, there was always a centrality of power and knowledge. Huge institutions or entities. For the military there was always one dominant force be it the Roman Empire or the United States with her seven fleets controlling the seas. That paradigm shifted with the internet creating smaller military powers: terrorists. The result of that is a by product of the internet giving the power of shared information.
Case in point: if you were Al Queda- you found a way to make a portable IED made of eight simple house hold products and you post it on the internet - guess how quickly you just empowered some terrorist in sandals somewhere in the Middle East.
Politically it's the same. The internet changed even geo-political power. YouTube can make or break a political career. Remember the recent incident of a black woman seen on YouTube video and was going to be fired because one extreme tea-party nut decided to post a partial video of her speech on racism? When Obama was elected there was a viral video of a girl singing a parody of her crush on the new Democratic candidate - it was a hit.
Before technology came along you had a political central organization - the press (newspapers and magazine) would only covered established voices of power. If Abraham Lincoln declared war it would be covered, but it would take a few weeks till it reach the West Coast, but as communications improve the news got out faster. However you still covered the recognized political voices - namely in the United States the major parties.
Then the internet comes along. Terry Jones' voice in the 1800's or 1700's would never make it past town. He'd probably be preaching in a barn and the news would just stay there with the cows.
The internet allows for a greater voice and message impact than ever and you don't even have to be that important. Yes, the internet allows information to be passed on in such a greater capacity so much so Terry Jones could LITERALLY change the geo-political atmosphere and impact even military strategies.
Frankly, the modern press of FoxNews to CNN shouldn't even cover this idiot in the first place because you give credence to it. Some radical Islamic would record that put it on YouTube and within hours it reaches Europe and Afghanistan. Then the Muslim community is an uproar in the Middle East. Our troops fighting there finds an anger that is misplaced because Jones doesn't represent me or the majority of America.
Do you see it?
Technology - the internet is probably the most disruptive force in our society. Responsibly used - you can try to send grandma's old tea cup set to a million eBay collectors today whereas in the 70's you would have to wait until someone read your 1"x2" classified ad in the middle of two thousand ads. Irresponsibly or maliciously used you write a virus and title it "Funniest Stunt Video gone wrong" and you infect a million computers and keep the IT department looking like Einstein.
Fact is: Terry Jones in the 1970 alone would have never made the news. Just like Lindsay Lohan.
Fact number two: it's becoming more and difficult for people to filter and critically think their way through a conclusion. Analyze Terry Jones just for a fact. He's a small time pastor on the fringe, and honestly does anyone thinks he represent America? Absolutely not. Yet, we've come to the point where the general in Afghanistan, the U.S. president, and even the Vatican has to respond to this!
Fact number three: thirdly, we live in a world where we find a population with less critical thinking than ever. Where have we become as a world when if you post one video it's fact? Or that it's not 'layered' meaning it could be a prank, a joke, taking out of context, or not 'entirely the whole story'?
The modern press itself reflects this inability to critically think. Covering the Terry Jones situation was irresponsible because ultimately it ruins our relationship in the Middle East, it places our troops in danger with the growing anger, it also wasted everyone's time and resources of commenting, "Terry Jones doesn't stand for America."
Now, finishing that I need to write some silly iPhone app, and see if I can get a million people to buy it and retire.
Sep 10, 2010
9/11 anniversary - reflection
RAMBLINGS
THAT PASTOR WHO IN FLORIDA WHO WANTS TO BURN THE KORAN.
Nuts. There's always people who are stupid. Based on what I saw so far - you're a pastor of a church that has 50 or less members and this sounds like a publicity ploy. He's willing to endanger our troops, our country and ruin the work of sincere Christians. Bullying the Muslim community on the Ground Zero mosque is not playing the role of an ambassador for Christ. Absolutely insane, irresponsible and self-centered righteousness. The only thing he inspired was a constant-gay bashing church to take his place if he doesn't do it.
THE MUSLIM AMERICAN
As an American, I've found the Muslim community as responsible citizens of the United States. There are Muslims serving in the arm forces, and Muslims also died during 9/11. It's not American to stereotype a people when so many have pledged their allegiance to this nation and it's constitution. As an American we are one when we respect the laws of this nation, and are willing to defend the constitution. I may disagree with the Muslim American on certain things, but as one American to another - they are Americans and they have my respect as any loyal American. It was a Timothy M, a white American who committed a terrorist act before any Muslim American. Are there fringe element individuals out there in America? Yes, but like with any group with their ideology some are harmful and some are harmless, but as a whole Americans were accepted warmly by Muslims.
OUR TROOPS
To this day, I am involved with an organization with pro-bono work to raise money for military families with spouses in the theater of war. Most people think because you work for the federal government that you will get the best benefits for health, and support. Not so. Not every soldier coming back is normal emotionally, physically or mentally. The ravages of war is beyond our comprehension - seeing your buddies blown apart, sleeping in a wooden box/shed in 105 degree heat, or driving in a vehicle staring at the picture of your loved ones while eyeing the road for an IED. Any arm force members will always get a handshake from me and my gratitude. You're not forgotten.
9/11
I find it sad we've forgotten as Americans we have enemies. We've become soft in our approach to what life is - there are battles. We don't live in a safe world entirely and there are people who will hate us. We shouldn't live in the fear of that and let fear drive us however, we should come together as Americans once more.
THAT PASTOR WHO IN FLORIDA WHO WANTS TO BURN THE KORAN.
Nuts. There's always people who are stupid. Based on what I saw so far - you're a pastor of a church that has 50 or less members and this sounds like a publicity ploy. He's willing to endanger our troops, our country and ruin the work of sincere Christians. Bullying the Muslim community on the Ground Zero mosque is not playing the role of an ambassador for Christ. Absolutely insane, irresponsible and self-centered righteousness. The only thing he inspired was a constant-gay bashing church to take his place if he doesn't do it.
THE MUSLIM AMERICAN
As an American, I've found the Muslim community as responsible citizens of the United States. There are Muslims serving in the arm forces, and Muslims also died during 9/11. It's not American to stereotype a people when so many have pledged their allegiance to this nation and it's constitution. As an American we are one when we respect the laws of this nation, and are willing to defend the constitution. I may disagree with the Muslim American on certain things, but as one American to another - they are Americans and they have my respect as any loyal American. It was a Timothy M, a white American who committed a terrorist act before any Muslim American. Are there fringe element individuals out there in America? Yes, but like with any group with their ideology some are harmful and some are harmless, but as a whole Americans were accepted warmly by Muslims.
OUR TROOPS
To this day, I am involved with an organization with pro-bono work to raise money for military families with spouses in the theater of war. Most people think because you work for the federal government that you will get the best benefits for health, and support. Not so. Not every soldier coming back is normal emotionally, physically or mentally. The ravages of war is beyond our comprehension - seeing your buddies blown apart, sleeping in a wooden box/shed in 105 degree heat, or driving in a vehicle staring at the picture of your loved ones while eyeing the road for an IED. Any arm force members will always get a handshake from me and my gratitude. You're not forgotten.
9/11
I find it sad we've forgotten as Americans we have enemies. We've become soft in our approach to what life is - there are battles. We don't live in a safe world entirely and there are people who will hate us. We shouldn't live in the fear of that and let fear drive us however, we should come together as Americans once more.
Sep 1, 2010
Are we losing the imagery of the bible ?
The stork knows the time of her migration...they all return at the proper time each year.. - Jer 8:6
I will weep for the mountains and wail for the desert pastures...Jer 9:10
**
Quick devotional thought. As we are becoming more exposed to more man-made elements like cities and technology, are we losing the lessons of what God speaks in the bible using metaphors of nature to his Word? In biblical times people clearly saw lessons in creation more than today.
A farmer's reliance on rain whereas today we've developed technology to water all year round? It's like we pushed God out of the picture. Consider if you are having a rainy day at the office you throw up a desktop screen saver with a beautiful beach scene to escape the realities of the world around - bad weather be it snow or rain.
Or is our world more of a reflection as to how out-of-touch we've become? What would the world be for us as Christians, IF we live in a 'ultra-modernistic' society where we see little trees, mountains and eventually forget the awe of creation itself? Would the metaphors used as in the example in Jeremiah be lost with Christians?
I reflect upon this - seeing the 6 inches of snow fall during my vacation and am stuck by the beauty, and cold reality of winter. The snow is tranquil, peaceful and is soothing to my soul, but the power of winter shows the finite of life. The birds are not flying anymore - they are gone, but they will return.
Life isn't full of sunshine all the time, and there are SEASONS and that fact makes me cherish the moments God gives.
**
Conclusion: it's good to be seeing creation for it has a wealth of lessons and meditation in hand with God's word.
I will weep for the mountains and wail for the desert pastures...Jer 9:10
**
Quick devotional thought. As we are becoming more exposed to more man-made elements like cities and technology, are we losing the lessons of what God speaks in the bible using metaphors of nature to his Word? In biblical times people clearly saw lessons in creation more than today.
A farmer's reliance on rain whereas today we've developed technology to water all year round? It's like we pushed God out of the picture. Consider if you are having a rainy day at the office you throw up a desktop screen saver with a beautiful beach scene to escape the realities of the world around - bad weather be it snow or rain.
Or is our world more of a reflection as to how out-of-touch we've become? What would the world be for us as Christians, IF we live in a 'ultra-modernistic' society where we see little trees, mountains and eventually forget the awe of creation itself? Would the metaphors used as in the example in Jeremiah be lost with Christians?
I reflect upon this - seeing the 6 inches of snow fall during my vacation and am stuck by the beauty, and cold reality of winter. The snow is tranquil, peaceful and is soothing to my soul, but the power of winter shows the finite of life. The birds are not flying anymore - they are gone, but they will return.
Life isn't full of sunshine all the time, and there are SEASONS and that fact makes me cherish the moments God gives.
**
Conclusion: it's good to be seeing creation for it has a wealth of lessons and meditation in hand with God's word.
Jul 19, 2010
Suffering for a purpose
Grief. Depression. War. Trauma.
Under our normal activities and movement in life we rarely identify or can comfort, or help those who experience such things.
I have found in my grief - the loss of several children, it has enabled me to be wiser, and more insightful in comforting others.
Unless you been there, you'll mean well, but you'll never quite understand.
It's good to know that we have a 'high priest' who is able to identify with our suffering. Jesus grew up poor. Jesus saw death. Jesus experienced grief. Jesus knew betrayal.
It's not like the leaders of today - the politicians, the CEO, your boss - who sometimes can think they understand, but honestly unless you're in 'those shoes' we are woefully ill-equipped at times to help others.
It's called suffering, grieving, or existing with a purpose.
Under our normal activities and movement in life we rarely identify or can comfort, or help those who experience such things.
I have found in my grief - the loss of several children, it has enabled me to be wiser, and more insightful in comforting others.
Unless you been there, you'll mean well, but you'll never quite understand.
It's good to know that we have a 'high priest' who is able to identify with our suffering. Jesus grew up poor. Jesus saw death. Jesus experienced grief. Jesus knew betrayal.
It's not like the leaders of today - the politicians, the CEO, your boss - who sometimes can think they understand, but honestly unless you're in 'those shoes' we are woefully ill-equipped at times to help others.
It's called suffering, grieving, or existing with a purpose.
Jul 15, 2010
Life after your loss
Following, believing, or living for God isn't easy.
But it's the only way for me.
After my second loss of my little girl, I cried quietly in my heart. Then a third time again.
People say funny things when you are in grief: "I know someone who experienced 8 miscarriages."
That doesn't help, even though they mean well. It's like saying, "You're going to die within a year, but the good news is the guy next to you will die within six weeks."
Is comfort like math? Does a negative and negative make a positive?
Yet through it all I still cling to God because I've always seen life at it's end and look back at it's breadth. Death is the greatest 'speed bump' in life to make you stop, reflect, ponder and ask "What is important in life?". Money? Possessions? Peace? Freedom? Purpose?
I've worked for millionaires, and I know money isn't it. Most of the rich people I know are not happy.
I've met famous people and deep down one well known star admitted, "I'm so lonely."
Power isn't it because some of the greatest rulers after their power is gone just slinker down, enjoy their spoils and die without anyone remembering them too much. Heard of ruler of Mongolia? Khan? Super-bad dude you won't want to mess with, but does anyone remember what he did?
For me, I don't believe in the 'big bang' and that we are here randomly, because if you believe that then the death of my child means nothing. It's just the 'odds'. If you were my friend you know you cannot cling to that premise and comfort me because life is 'random' and without purpose and is part of the natural cycle. That's a cruel presupposition to base your life on, and granted it may have some merit in a scientific hypothesis, but in life - you run into problems.
The thing about death that makes me ponder so much is that deep within the core of a person after a loss is you go through so many valleys and ultimately you cry, "This isn't fair." or "This is NOT the end." Death can be an end when you're tired and you just want rest, but for a father expecting to hug, hold, kiss his little girl - you cannot argue around it: this isn't how we were meant to live. Life was never intended to be so cruel.
When death comes in it's most tragic entrance into a situation it's just numbing. No one knows what to say because no one can comprehend what's beyond the grave. That's why you don't find the atheist, the scientist, the Republican, or whoever saying much - because how can people comfort you when they don't know the end of their existence one day?
Even the Christian cannot say without absolute doubt what's 'around the corner'. You must simply believe by faith. Why is that so hard - you have people who believe there's galaxy out there, but personally haven't seen it, but you believe it.
However, with four losses in in about 18 months I can say I believe in the after life more than ever.
It's not a 'wishful' hope that I will be reunited with my children, but the pain tells me I'm alive and that all of us were not meant live life this way. It has to end somewhere.
Not the end of suffering, questioning or doubt for me, but for those around me.
I'm not the only one who experiences loss, and for me personally I simply believe for all people from every nation that there is a place, and hope for them. For me personally, I have been experiencing a peace, strength that is beyond my comprehension.
Yes, even in my situation I see people and they have a story too, and one day they will experience a loss too and it pains me to know that.
But it's the only way for me.
After my second loss of my little girl, I cried quietly in my heart. Then a third time again.
People say funny things when you are in grief: "I know someone who experienced 8 miscarriages."
That doesn't help, even though they mean well. It's like saying, "You're going to die within a year, but the good news is the guy next to you will die within six weeks."
Is comfort like math? Does a negative and negative make a positive?
Yet through it all I still cling to God because I've always seen life at it's end and look back at it's breadth. Death is the greatest 'speed bump' in life to make you stop, reflect, ponder and ask "What is important in life?". Money? Possessions? Peace? Freedom? Purpose?
I've worked for millionaires, and I know money isn't it. Most of the rich people I know are not happy.
I've met famous people and deep down one well known star admitted, "I'm so lonely."
Power isn't it because some of the greatest rulers after their power is gone just slinker down, enjoy their spoils and die without anyone remembering them too much. Heard of ruler of Mongolia? Khan? Super-bad dude you won't want to mess with, but does anyone remember what he did?
For me, I don't believe in the 'big bang' and that we are here randomly, because if you believe that then the death of my child means nothing. It's just the 'odds'. If you were my friend you know you cannot cling to that premise and comfort me because life is 'random' and without purpose and is part of the natural cycle. That's a cruel presupposition to base your life on, and granted it may have some merit in a scientific hypothesis, but in life - you run into problems.
The thing about death that makes me ponder so much is that deep within the core of a person after a loss is you go through so many valleys and ultimately you cry, "This isn't fair." or "This is NOT the end." Death can be an end when you're tired and you just want rest, but for a father expecting to hug, hold, kiss his little girl - you cannot argue around it: this isn't how we were meant to live. Life was never intended to be so cruel.
When death comes in it's most tragic entrance into a situation it's just numbing. No one knows what to say because no one can comprehend what's beyond the grave. That's why you don't find the atheist, the scientist, the Republican, or whoever saying much - because how can people comfort you when they don't know the end of their existence one day?
Even the Christian cannot say without absolute doubt what's 'around the corner'. You must simply believe by faith. Why is that so hard - you have people who believe there's galaxy out there, but personally haven't seen it, but you believe it.
However, with four losses in in about 18 months I can say I believe in the after life more than ever.
It's not a 'wishful' hope that I will be reunited with my children, but the pain tells me I'm alive and that all of us were not meant live life this way. It has to end somewhere.
Not the end of suffering, questioning or doubt for me, but for those around me.
I'm not the only one who experiences loss, and for me personally I simply believe for all people from every nation that there is a place, and hope for them. For me personally, I have been experiencing a peace, strength that is beyond my comprehension.
Yes, even in my situation I see people and they have a story too, and one day they will experience a loss too and it pains me to know that.
Life after your loss
Following, believing, or living for God isn't easy.
But it's the only way for me.
After my second loss of my little girl, I cried quietly in my heart. Then a third time again.
People say funny things when you are in grief: "I know someone who experienced 8 miscarriages."
That doesn't help, even though they mean well. It's like saying, "You're going to die within a year, but the good news is the guy next to you will die within six weeks."
Is comfort like math? Does a negative and negative make a positive?
Yet through it all I still cling to God because I've always seen life at it's end and look back at it's breadth. Death is the greatest 'speed bump' in life to make you stop, reflect, ponder and ask "What is important in life?". Money? Possessions? Peace? Freedom? Purpose?
I've worked for millionaires, and I know money isn't it. Most of the rich people I know are not happy.
I've met famous people and deep down one well known star admitted, "I'm so lonely."
Power isn't it because some of the greatest rulers after their power is gone just slinker down, enjoy their spoils and die without anyone remembering them too much. Heard of ruler of Mongolia? Khan? Super-bad dude you won't want to mess with, but does anyone remember what he did?
For me, I don't believe in the 'big bang' and that we are here randomly, because if you believe that then the death of my child means nothing. It's just the 'odds'. If you were my friend you know you cannot cling to that premise and comfort me because life is 'random' and without purpose and is part of the natural cycle. That's a cruel presupposition to base your life on, and granted it may have some merit in a scientific hypothesis, but in life - you run into problems.
The thing about death that makes me ponder so much is that deep within the core of a person after a loss is you go through so many valleys and ultimately you cry, "This isn't fair." or "This is NOT the end." Death can be an end when you're tired and you just want rest, but for a father expecting to hug, hold, kiss his little girl - you cannot argue around it: this isn't how we were meant to live. Life was never intended to be so cruel.
When death comes in it's most tragic entrance into a situation it's just numbing. No one knows what to say because no one can comprehend what's beyond the grave. That's why you don't find the atheist, the scientist, the Republican, or whoever saying much - because how can people comfort you when they don't know the end of their existence one day?
Even the Christian cannot say without absolute doubt what's 'around the corner'. You must simply believe by faith. Why is that so hard - you have people who believe there's galaxy out there, but personally haven't seen it, but you believe it.
However, with four losses in in about 18 months I can say I believe in the after life more than ever.
It's not a 'wishful' hope that I will be reunited with my children, but the pain tells me I'm alive and that all of us were not meant live life this way. It has to end somewhere.
Not the end of suffering, questioning or doubt for me, but for those around me.
I'm not the only one who experiences loss, and for me personally I simply believe for all people from every nation that there is a place, and hope for them. For me personally, I have been experiencing a peace, strength that is beyond my comprehension.
Yes, even in my situation I see people and they have a story too, and one day they will experience a loss too and it pains me to know that.
But it's the only way for me.
After my second loss of my little girl, I cried quietly in my heart. Then a third time again.
People say funny things when you are in grief: "I know someone who experienced 8 miscarriages."
That doesn't help, even though they mean well. It's like saying, "You're going to die within a year, but the good news is the guy next to you will die within six weeks."
Is comfort like math? Does a negative and negative make a positive?
Yet through it all I still cling to God because I've always seen life at it's end and look back at it's breadth. Death is the greatest 'speed bump' in life to make you stop, reflect, ponder and ask "What is important in life?". Money? Possessions? Peace? Freedom? Purpose?
I've worked for millionaires, and I know money isn't it. Most of the rich people I know are not happy.
I've met famous people and deep down one well known star admitted, "I'm so lonely."
Power isn't it because some of the greatest rulers after their power is gone just slinker down, enjoy their spoils and die without anyone remembering them too much. Heard of ruler of Mongolia? Khan? Super-bad dude you won't want to mess with, but does anyone remember what he did?
For me, I don't believe in the 'big bang' and that we are here randomly, because if you believe that then the death of my child means nothing. It's just the 'odds'. If you were my friend you know you cannot cling to that premise and comfort me because life is 'random' and without purpose and is part of the natural cycle. That's a cruel presupposition to base your life on, and granted it may have some merit in a scientific hypothesis, but in life - you run into problems.
The thing about death that makes me ponder so much is that deep within the core of a person after a loss is you go through so many valleys and ultimately you cry, "This isn't fair." or "This is NOT the end." Death can be an end when you're tired and you just want rest, but for a father expecting to hug, hold, kiss his little girl - you cannot argue around it: this isn't how we were meant to live. Life was never intended to be so cruel.
When death comes in it's most tragic entrance into a situation it's just numbing. No one knows what to say because no one can comprehend what's beyond the grave. That's why you don't find the atheist, the scientist, the Republican, or whoever saying much - because how can people comfort you when they don't know the end of their existence one day?
Even the Christian cannot say without absolute doubt what's 'around the corner'. You must simply believe by faith. Why is that so hard - you have people who believe there's galaxy out there, but personally haven't seen it, but you believe it.
However, with four losses in in about 18 months I can say I believe in the after life more than ever.
It's not a 'wishful' hope that I will be reunited with my children, but the pain tells me I'm alive and that all of us were not meant live life this way. It has to end somewhere.
Not the end of suffering, questioning or doubt for me, but for those around me.
I'm not the only one who experiences loss, and for me personally I simply believe for all people from every nation that there is a place, and hope for them. For me personally, I have been experiencing a peace, strength that is beyond my comprehension.
Yes, even in my situation I see people and they have a story too, and one day they will experience a loss too and it pains me to know that.
Jul 7, 2010
How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.
So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.
So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.
Jun 21, 2010
Father's Day
I blinked my tears away hanging.
"...so it wasn't easy."
He looked at me, "No. Losing a child is the most intense experience you can go through, but it ended well."
I looked at him, "Your only son. That must not be easy. I lost two children, a boy and a girl, but you seem so strong, so in control...".
"I still grieve. He's my son. Gordon, no matter what you think of anyone - whether they are a CEO, rich, powerful or even if everyone thinks of them as strong - the loss of a child is still difficult. You want to protect them, and you are proud of them of who they are and what they become. The day I lost my boy...it was very quiet. No one talked to me...they didn't know what to say."
"I never thought of you - to be in the same boat as me."
He smiled and I saw kindness in his eyes, "...just because I am strong, powerful it doesn't mean I do not sympathize with you. I watch you, I see you, I hear you - just like with everyone else."
"...and you know my thoughts."
"Yes, I do."
I paused, "...when I'm on earth, I see people rich who have no idea of what it means to be poor, I see the powerful in their protected veneer and refuse to hear the weak's cries, and I see those without trouble not identify with those who suffer injustice - it's very 'human' of us to be like that. It's a false illusion to live like that, but you know it all: you hear the cries of the poor, you hear the blood of the innocents, and you know the tears of the weeping."
"Yes I do, and I love them all. There will be a day where all that will be erased. I promise."
"Will I see my dad?"
"Will you see my Son?"
"Yes."
"Then...with men it is impossible..."
"But with God, all things are possible."
"You paid attention."
"I try. Heaven can't come soon enough to be with you."
"The party will be set, and you got reservations."
Thank you God - wonder if you can embrace God?
"...so it wasn't easy."
He looked at me, "No. Losing a child is the most intense experience you can go through, but it ended well."
I looked at him, "Your only son. That must not be easy. I lost two children, a boy and a girl, but you seem so strong, so in control...".
"I still grieve. He's my son. Gordon, no matter what you think of anyone - whether they are a CEO, rich, powerful or even if everyone thinks of them as strong - the loss of a child is still difficult. You want to protect them, and you are proud of them of who they are and what they become. The day I lost my boy...it was very quiet. No one talked to me...they didn't know what to say."
"I never thought of you - to be in the same boat as me."
He smiled and I saw kindness in his eyes, "...just because I am strong, powerful it doesn't mean I do not sympathize with you. I watch you, I see you, I hear you - just like with everyone else."
"...and you know my thoughts."
"Yes, I do."
I paused, "...when I'm on earth, I see people rich who have no idea of what it means to be poor, I see the powerful in their protected veneer and refuse to hear the weak's cries, and I see those without trouble not identify with those who suffer injustice - it's very 'human' of us to be like that. It's a false illusion to live like that, but you know it all: you hear the cries of the poor, you hear the blood of the innocents, and you know the tears of the weeping."
"Yes I do, and I love them all. There will be a day where all that will be erased. I promise."
"Will I see my dad?"
"Will you see my Son?"
"Yes."
"Then...with men it is impossible..."
"But with God, all things are possible."
"You paid attention."
"I try. Heaven can't come soon enough to be with you."
"The party will be set, and you got reservations."
Thank you God - wonder if you can embrace God?
Father's Day
Father's Day.
Didn't expect it. It hit me a wall of bricks.
The wound and loss of my dad just hit me Sunday morning before church and I was an emotional wreck. I didn't want to go in sobbing and just felt like I was going to lose it.
I think the struggle with grief is that it's cruel. It's cruel when the inside of you is dying and the world goes on it's merry way. My Facebook pages have my friends declaring 'Happy Father's Day' to one another. They have cute kids, and I am truly happy for them. I see some of the cutest baby pics with some and the happy smiles of fathers. I paused, deep in my heart I asked, 'Do they remember that I was a father....and I lost one?' I don't hold it against anyone to celebrate it, because we CELEBRATE WHAT WE BEEN BLESSED WITH not what we don't have. Perhaps that's why it's that much more painful.
I think days of remembrances are important because it's a community. When you grieve, you tend to grieve privately. For me it's been normal. I worked my butt off on a website the last month for about sixty hours a week and the energy was there with my diet, exercise and life went on. However when there's community there's kinship and healing. You have to grieve with people at one point or another.
*****
I take time to see my dad from time to time, and then I realized on Father's Day, I'm a child without a father. Married professional with many blessed friends and I feel the loss. It's a wound to the soul and it doesn't ever go away.
In addition, the reminders of my two children who died gives another layer of grief that I, as a father have lost.
It's moments like this where I go crazy: I know we're not born randomly, I refuse to believe loss, grief is a natural cycle of life. The emotions we feel gives insight into something more planned. I also believe that I will see my dad again, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Yet in all this: I thank God there's still things to be thankful for: a good man who was my dad.
Didn't expect it. It hit me a wall of bricks.
The wound and loss of my dad just hit me Sunday morning before church and I was an emotional wreck. I didn't want to go in sobbing and just felt like I was going to lose it.
I think the struggle with grief is that it's cruel. It's cruel when the inside of you is dying and the world goes on it's merry way. My Facebook pages have my friends declaring 'Happy Father's Day' to one another. They have cute kids, and I am truly happy for them. I see some of the cutest baby pics with some and the happy smiles of fathers. I paused, deep in my heart I asked, 'Do they remember that I was a father....and I lost one?' I don't hold it against anyone to celebrate it, because we CELEBRATE WHAT WE BEEN BLESSED WITH not what we don't have. Perhaps that's why it's that much more painful.
I think days of remembrances are important because it's a community. When you grieve, you tend to grieve privately. For me it's been normal. I worked my butt off on a website the last month for about sixty hours a week and the energy was there with my diet, exercise and life went on. However when there's community there's kinship and healing. You have to grieve with people at one point or another.
*****
I take time to see my dad from time to time, and then I realized on Father's Day, I'm a child without a father. Married professional with many blessed friends and I feel the loss. It's a wound to the soul and it doesn't ever go away.
In addition, the reminders of my two children who died gives another layer of grief that I, as a father have lost.
It's moments like this where I go crazy: I know we're not born randomly, I refuse to believe loss, grief is a natural cycle of life. The emotions we feel gives insight into something more planned. I also believe that I will see my dad again, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Yet in all this: I thank God there's still things to be thankful for: a good man who was my dad.
May 27, 2010
Heaven is a reunion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF9jLHbOpMY&feature=related
Heaven.
I dreamt I went to heaven.
Saw people embracing each other with wide saucer eyes and tears of joy flowing. It was a sea of people from every nation.
People from the middle east, asia, south america...and I understood every word. It was a party of the ages. In the midst, I knew whatever man does, God does better - even throwing parties and reunions.
I blinked away the tears.
Then someone grabbed me from behind.
Instantly I knew her - it was my daughter. I picked her up - and she said, "Daddy, daddy...I love you."
Giants tears streamed down my face, and my nostrils flared. It was my little girl I lost - Abigail. I hugged her till she gasped with a laugh, "...you're squeezing the breath out of me." I held her stroking her hair, as my tears soaked her white robe. I looked into her eyes and I saw myself. She was beautiful.
Then...Michele comes walking in the distance with our son, Asher.
I looked at Michele smiling and looked back at Abigail, "Well, look who's coming."
Abigail smiled and pecked a kiss on my cheek, "That's my brother."
I smiled back, "I know."
Heaven.
I dreamt I went to heaven.
Saw people embracing each other with wide saucer eyes and tears of joy flowing. It was a sea of people from every nation.
People from the middle east, asia, south america...and I understood every word. It was a party of the ages. In the midst, I knew whatever man does, God does better - even throwing parties and reunions.
I blinked away the tears.
Then someone grabbed me from behind.
Instantly I knew her - it was my daughter. I picked her up - and she said, "Daddy, daddy...I love you."
Giants tears streamed down my face, and my nostrils flared. It was my little girl I lost - Abigail. I hugged her till she gasped with a laugh, "...you're squeezing the breath out of me." I held her stroking her hair, as my tears soaked her white robe. I looked into her eyes and I saw myself. She was beautiful.
Then...Michele comes walking in the distance with our son, Asher.
I looked at Michele smiling and looked back at Abigail, "Well, look who's coming."
Abigail smiled and pecked a kiss on my cheek, "That's my brother."
I smiled back, "I know."
May 12, 2010
A father's gift
a gift
I remembered when I was young my dad would do small things that seem so insignificant at the time, but they were pebbles thrown into the lake that rippled through my entire life. To this day my dad's action still 'ripple' into my life.
One gift he gave was the gift of reading: my dad didn't have a budget to buy anything we wanted as children, but whatever resources he saw he would avail himself to it. One such thing was books. At the school where he was custodial manager he would collect books that the school would throw away and he would bring them back to the house.
Bring them back he would: boxes of them!
As a child there was no greater experience then perusing the books with different pictures and stories. It was a world at our feet for my sisters and I. I read about Abraham Lincoln to George Washington Carver to Curious George. This path and my dad's example of always reading his newspaper and a cup of coffee set me on a foundation of reading. My sister is an English teacher with an M.A. all in literary and education. I am now in communications existing in a world where I must read all the time.
Reading kept me out of trouble, expanded my mind and made me a life-long reader.
My dad didn't think much of it: there were free books and he scooped it up for his children. In turn he gave a priceless gift of life-long learning and the love of reading.
I doubt if my dad would ever consider how this simple act would have resulted in the ramifications it did.
Thanks dad.
I remembered when I was young my dad would do small things that seem so insignificant at the time, but they were pebbles thrown into the lake that rippled through my entire life. To this day my dad's action still 'ripple' into my life.
One gift he gave was the gift of reading: my dad didn't have a budget to buy anything we wanted as children, but whatever resources he saw he would avail himself to it. One such thing was books. At the school where he was custodial manager he would collect books that the school would throw away and he would bring them back to the house.
Bring them back he would: boxes of them!
As a child there was no greater experience then perusing the books with different pictures and stories. It was a world at our feet for my sisters and I. I read about Abraham Lincoln to George Washington Carver to Curious George. This path and my dad's example of always reading his newspaper and a cup of coffee set me on a foundation of reading. My sister is an English teacher with an M.A. all in literary and education. I am now in communications existing in a world where I must read all the time.
Reading kept me out of trouble, expanded my mind and made me a life-long reader.
My dad didn't think much of it: there were free books and he scooped it up for his children. In turn he gave a priceless gift of life-long learning and the love of reading.
I doubt if my dad would ever consider how this simple act would have resulted in the ramifications it did.
Thanks dad.
May 4, 2010
Snippy
Once in a while you'll take a shower and then it just hits you.
That thought of 'duh!'.
For me it was about my comments about my wife:
• careful on the hair, you're burning it...
• use proactiv instead of rubbing alcohol for pimples..(valid)
• do this...
• don't do that..
Started nagging her like a old woman with nothing to do.
Then I realized that I was more critical lately than uplifting. I had to have a change of mind.
• I called to ask Michele's forgiveness
• I said I loved her and admitted my critical spirit lately
• I had to humble myself
Such a course of action was needed and dramatically too, things like this can be the 'driving wedge' between a relationship or more importantly a marriage. If you get use to your 'correctness' and there were some points I was correct, but the spirit of my admonishments were wrong.
Admittingly, I could excuse the recent comments as part of stress or whatever, but it doesn't matter: God is against the proud, but gives Grace to the humble. Pretty easy choice. I don't like being against God in any situation.
The other thing is this: I aim to safeguard and protect our marriage. A woman is only what she can be as the result of the 'feeding and nurturing of her husband'. If I keep being critical it'll eat away at Michele and that's simply wrong.
I was wrong in my words, and I've learned.
James said words are more powerful than we can imagine: hurtful words are described as 'as if set by hell fire itself' - it's simple interpretation: it's a blazing-white hot fire with destruction in it's path. Seen a forest fire? It's devastating. The power and speed of it is simply awesome.
That thought of 'duh!'.
For me it was about my comments about my wife:
• careful on the hair, you're burning it...
• use proactiv instead of rubbing alcohol for pimples..(valid)
• do this...
• don't do that..
Started nagging her like a old woman with nothing to do.
Then I realized that I was more critical lately than uplifting. I had to have a change of mind.
• I called to ask Michele's forgiveness
• I said I loved her and admitted my critical spirit lately
• I had to humble myself
Such a course of action was needed and dramatically too, things like this can be the 'driving wedge' between a relationship or more importantly a marriage. If you get use to your 'correctness' and there were some points I was correct, but the spirit of my admonishments were wrong.
Admittingly, I could excuse the recent comments as part of stress or whatever, but it doesn't matter: God is against the proud, but gives Grace to the humble. Pretty easy choice. I don't like being against God in any situation.
The other thing is this: I aim to safeguard and protect our marriage. A woman is only what she can be as the result of the 'feeding and nurturing of her husband'. If I keep being critical it'll eat away at Michele and that's simply wrong.
I was wrong in my words, and I've learned.
James said words are more powerful than we can imagine: hurtful words are described as 'as if set by hell fire itself' - it's simple interpretation: it's a blazing-white hot fire with destruction in it's path. Seen a forest fire? It's devastating. The power and speed of it is simply awesome.
Apr 30, 2010
The impact of a father's life
I spent some time last weekend with some children in an urban outreach.
They were kids from the poorer section of the surrounding area, but you look and honestly spend time with them you realize they just need something simple: love, affirmation, and a sense of security.
I look back at my life and realize the wisdom of two parents in a family unit. That's why I believe God always said entering marriage is such a serious matter because it's not about two people getting along, or not. It's about your commitment, and that commitment will be tested, but more importantly it affects the children permanently.
My father wasn't perfect, but he is what God gave and I am very appreciative of that matter. I am the man I am because of him. My father's wisdom echoes in my head today, but I always knew he would look out for us. He would fight for us, he would sacrifice for us and he spent his life for others.
I wished my father and I had more common interest and wished we spent more time now, but if there's one thing I knew it was this: he was there. A memory serves me well.
At K-Mart there was these cool soldier toys figurines that I desperately wanted. Our family was shopping and my father said no. Little did I know my father just didn't have any discretionary spending money like our federal government. I tried to 'earn' my father's favor my washing dishes during dinner - mind you I was about 8.
I didn't see the army figurines for quite some time, and then a few weeks later they showed up. I grabbed them like Jack Sparrow grabbing gold.
My dad came through.
And it meant so much to me. I recall that memory and I am sad that he is really gone. No more thanks to him.
Recently my sister told me he loved Korean beef. It just grabbed my dad's taste like it never before.
If I had one opportunity I'd fly him to Korea and go on a culinary feast, but my father would scold me for that spending. I do wish I could go back to California and find the best Korean beef bbq and blow several hundred dollars on my dad.
Looking back at my dad's sacrifices I think an entire bank account would be justifiable. My father died a quiet life. Without fanfare and he slipped into eternity without much notice.
Father, you were the not perfect. I saw your flaws, but in your life as your son I am so proud you are my father - this life you gave was the result of your life. I hope I live to make you proud.
They were kids from the poorer section of the surrounding area, but you look and honestly spend time with them you realize they just need something simple: love, affirmation, and a sense of security.
I look back at my life and realize the wisdom of two parents in a family unit. That's why I believe God always said entering marriage is such a serious matter because it's not about two people getting along, or not. It's about your commitment, and that commitment will be tested, but more importantly it affects the children permanently.
My father wasn't perfect, but he is what God gave and I am very appreciative of that matter. I am the man I am because of him. My father's wisdom echoes in my head today, but I always knew he would look out for us. He would fight for us, he would sacrifice for us and he spent his life for others.
I wished my father and I had more common interest and wished we spent more time now, but if there's one thing I knew it was this: he was there. A memory serves me well.
At K-Mart there was these cool soldier toys figurines that I desperately wanted. Our family was shopping and my father said no. Little did I know my father just didn't have any discretionary spending money like our federal government. I tried to 'earn' my father's favor my washing dishes during dinner - mind you I was about 8.
I didn't see the army figurines for quite some time, and then a few weeks later they showed up. I grabbed them like Jack Sparrow grabbing gold.
My dad came through.
And it meant so much to me. I recall that memory and I am sad that he is really gone. No more thanks to him.
Recently my sister told me he loved Korean beef. It just grabbed my dad's taste like it never before.
If I had one opportunity I'd fly him to Korea and go on a culinary feast, but my father would scold me for that spending. I do wish I could go back to California and find the best Korean beef bbq and blow several hundred dollars on my dad.
Looking back at my dad's sacrifices I think an entire bank account would be justifiable. My father died a quiet life. Without fanfare and he slipped into eternity without much notice.
Father, you were the not perfect. I saw your flaws, but in your life as your son I am so proud you are my father - this life you gave was the result of your life. I hope I live to make you proud.
Apr 8, 2010
A name reserved for you
English Standard Version (©2001) REV 2:17
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it.’
A new name - you ever wonder about that? What's THAT about? God gives names to people plenty of times - 'Abram' to 'Abraham'. Always designating a new identity and purpose.
This time last year, I lost my baby girl. We had to end her pregnancy and yesterday I cried quietly to myself. I found myself wiping tears away, and the reality of my losses struck me. Michele and I thought we would keep the names we had for our possible future kids, but this week we decided to reserve them for our two children who went to be with God.
'Abigail' and 'Asher' will never be used in our household. They have been used because they were our children. I cannot look at them as a 'number' or a 'statistic'. I will speak of them as though I held them, and I did: in my heart. As a father, the loss of Abigail and Asher strikes me hard. Abigail was more difficult because we had to end the ectopic pregnancy.
Asher means 'rejoicing and strength at the gates'
Abigail meant 'father of exaltation' and 'beauty'. It's the most overlooked character in the bible, and quite possibly the woman who set David back on his path as king because of her reminder of what our destiny can be. For David, it was Abigail who reminded him of God's plan for him to be king when David just literally had a 'moment of meltdown'.
Next week, Thursday we said goodbye to our little Abigail.
Yet, I know Abigail and Asher might be wondering what new name God gave to them. I'll know one day, and God will probably give them better names, but I hope He liked my names.
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it.’
A new name - you ever wonder about that? What's THAT about? God gives names to people plenty of times - 'Abram' to 'Abraham'. Always designating a new identity and purpose.
This time last year, I lost my baby girl. We had to end her pregnancy and yesterday I cried quietly to myself. I found myself wiping tears away, and the reality of my losses struck me. Michele and I thought we would keep the names we had for our possible future kids, but this week we decided to reserve them for our two children who went to be with God.
'Abigail' and 'Asher' will never be used in our household. They have been used because they were our children. I cannot look at them as a 'number' or a 'statistic'. I will speak of them as though I held them, and I did: in my heart. As a father, the loss of Abigail and Asher strikes me hard. Abigail was more difficult because we had to end the ectopic pregnancy.
Asher means 'rejoicing and strength at the gates'
Abigail meant 'father of exaltation' and 'beauty'. It's the most overlooked character in the bible, and quite possibly the woman who set David back on his path as king because of her reminder of what our destiny can be. For David, it was Abigail who reminded him of God's plan for him to be king when David just literally had a 'moment of meltdown'.
Next week, Thursday we said goodbye to our little Abigail.
Yet, I know Abigail and Asher might be wondering what new name God gave to them. I'll know one day, and God will probably give them better names, but I hope He liked my names.
Apr 4, 2010
Wisdom
New International Version
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance--
When I turned about thirty I learned something: you should listen to people and when people come across your life: watch, observe and ask. There's a treasure trove of wisdom to be gained even from those who are failures (don't copy their habits or decision making) - so before you become critical and think you're smarter than they are - watch, listen and observe.
My definition of a fool: A fool is a person who refuses to learn even when one stumbles across people that grace your life for a reason and provides insight, and wisdom to enrich your life.
Over the course of Easter I learned something from my nieces and nephew that I've lost when my children died: the joy of play and life. Simple giggles, and the joy of play must never be overlooked. Thank you Grant, Ella, and Maddie - because of you this weekend I forgot my loss and learn to keep that boy in myself. I'll remember running like a fool holding your hands in the mall.
I look back at Tim and Corey who set me on a fiscal mind-set that allowed me to start real-estate investments and financially planning early. Because of them I started a 401k early and started an investment mind-set.
Aside from pure beginner's luck it was their fiscal fervor that set me to take the savings my wife and I set aside for a home and get a return on stocks last year (in a year when everyone was running from investments). It was also that open ear that gave me the decision to not buy a home before the economy's collapse. Because of my friends and God hitting my head hard my wife and I are debt-free, 401ks started for the both of us ten years ago and a nice down-payment on a new home when we're ready to buy. If it wasn't for God's blessing I'd be where I was in college: an idiot who ran up credit card debt.
My father-in-law, here's a man who is a gift. Former CFO, I pick his brain when I have to make fiscal decisions or when I need someone to bounce an idea off. His advice is always advice, he shares his perspective, but never told me what to do. God knows there's plenty of people who should tap this man's wealth of knowledge of finances because the man does it for a living. I'd be a fool to not ask him some things.
My sisters. Only because of the passing of my father I've learned so much from my sisters. From Cindy's positive attitude despite life's trials to the servant-heart of Doris - my sisters inspires me weekly. These sisters are amazing....
My wife. She's the counter-balance in my life on so many levels. I'd be a fool to not bounce the decisions of life because God placed her in my life.
The numerous examples she is to give me wise counsel has been a tremendous blessing. One example is my wife taught me the principle of 'outrageous giving' is a sure-fire remedy for money problems. I found with many people in financial problems you can never have enough - when you start giving away it forces you to manage your money and maximize your resources. I've learned the art of 'deals' - this weekend my brother-in-law ribbed me for winning stuff more than anyone: a free laptop, a free digital camera, a free vacation…I'll take ribbing for freebies any day.
I'm a knuckle head. I didn't learn when i was young, it was only when God really stepped into my life and opened my eyes to the wisdom of Proverbs: 'let the wise listen and add to their learning' that incredible change took place.
There's a treasure trove of people and resources around us and God placed them there for a reason.
I've found one thing true: there's not a single person I've not been able to glean some wisdom, some lesson or some inspiration from.
let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance--
When I turned about thirty I learned something: you should listen to people and when people come across your life: watch, observe and ask. There's a treasure trove of wisdom to be gained even from those who are failures (don't copy their habits or decision making) - so before you become critical and think you're smarter than they are - watch, listen and observe.
My definition of a fool: A fool is a person who refuses to learn even when one stumbles across people that grace your life for a reason and provides insight, and wisdom to enrich your life.
Over the course of Easter I learned something from my nieces and nephew that I've lost when my children died: the joy of play and life. Simple giggles, and the joy of play must never be overlooked. Thank you Grant, Ella, and Maddie - because of you this weekend I forgot my loss and learn to keep that boy in myself. I'll remember running like a fool holding your hands in the mall.
I look back at Tim and Corey who set me on a fiscal mind-set that allowed me to start real-estate investments and financially planning early. Because of them I started a 401k early and started an investment mind-set.
Aside from pure beginner's luck it was their fiscal fervor that set me to take the savings my wife and I set aside for a home and get a return on stocks last year (in a year when everyone was running from investments). It was also that open ear that gave me the decision to not buy a home before the economy's collapse. Because of my friends and God hitting my head hard my wife and I are debt-free, 401ks started for the both of us ten years ago and a nice down-payment on a new home when we're ready to buy. If it wasn't for God's blessing I'd be where I was in college: an idiot who ran up credit card debt.
My father-in-law, here's a man who is a gift. Former CFO, I pick his brain when I have to make fiscal decisions or when I need someone to bounce an idea off. His advice is always advice, he shares his perspective, but never told me what to do. God knows there's plenty of people who should tap this man's wealth of knowledge of finances because the man does it for a living. I'd be a fool to not ask him some things.
My sisters. Only because of the passing of my father I've learned so much from my sisters. From Cindy's positive attitude despite life's trials to the servant-heart of Doris - my sisters inspires me weekly. These sisters are amazing....
My wife. She's the counter-balance in my life on so many levels. I'd be a fool to not bounce the decisions of life because God placed her in my life.
The numerous examples she is to give me wise counsel has been a tremendous blessing. One example is my wife taught me the principle of 'outrageous giving' is a sure-fire remedy for money problems. I found with many people in financial problems you can never have enough - when you start giving away it forces you to manage your money and maximize your resources. I've learned the art of 'deals' - this weekend my brother-in-law ribbed me for winning stuff more than anyone: a free laptop, a free digital camera, a free vacation…I'll take ribbing for freebies any day.
I'm a knuckle head. I didn't learn when i was young, it was only when God really stepped into my life and opened my eyes to the wisdom of Proverbs: 'let the wise listen and add to their learning' that incredible change took place.
There's a treasure trove of people and resources around us and God placed them there for a reason.
I've found one thing true: there's not a single person I've not been able to glean some wisdom, some lesson or some inspiration from.
Mar 31, 2010
The Wonder of it all
One of my friend's baby just came.
His marriage is like mine: Asian and Caucasian and his baby girl was born healthy thankfully.
The little girl arrived at work and I stopped by to take a look.
Then someone holding little Charlotte asked me if I wanted to hold her, and I replied a quick, "yes". Holding her and watching her sleep in my arms it was magical. I couldn't help but smile as I heard her baby sounds - a 'cooh' or a cute smack of her lips.
Little Charlotte was as perfect as a baby can get. Beautifully shaped hands, beautifully proportioned and beautiful jet black hair. The thought was broken by the giggle of her older sister playing with her father.
It was one of those moments where you pause and know what life is really about.
As I stare at this precious thing in my arms, and as I rocked her to close her to eyes - out of fear she might wake up - I realize the beauty and preciousness of life.
A revelation came to me: I would do anything to protect this baby if I had to, even with my very life. Just grabbing her perfectly formed finger between my thumb and finger I could see her nail, her knuckle, and the delicate construction of her hands. The noise of beginning life mixed with slumber moved me: this is how it feels to be a father.
I smiled inside lost in my own thoughts.
I could see myself doing this: loving my baby. Holding my girl. Holding the boy I lost. A part of me wished my wife was there...she probably blink a tear or two seeing me. You could see it in my face and she would have read it: I could see you as a father.
I was lost for a few moments going back to places of 'what if's'. What if my two children were alive today? What if my father who passed away was alive to hold them?
I blinked a tear away, and suddenly realize it was hard to hold this baby that was now a mixture of wonder and deep sadness.
Sadness reminded me of my losses.
Then I realize what God must have felt. Sending his Son, so dear to him: into this world to reach out to us with a message of love. I would have done anything to protect the baby, but God would do the very opposite of sending his child with a message of love.
I shook my head, Jesus was born a baby: just like the one I held.
For a little bit, as an imperfect man I knew a little of what a friend said, "Until you become a father - there's a dimension of God's loss as a father you will never understand."
I think I understand just a little: the Wonder of it All.
His marriage is like mine: Asian and Caucasian and his baby girl was born healthy thankfully.
The little girl arrived at work and I stopped by to take a look.
Then someone holding little Charlotte asked me if I wanted to hold her, and I replied a quick, "yes". Holding her and watching her sleep in my arms it was magical. I couldn't help but smile as I heard her baby sounds - a 'cooh' or a cute smack of her lips.
Little Charlotte was as perfect as a baby can get. Beautifully shaped hands, beautifully proportioned and beautiful jet black hair. The thought was broken by the giggle of her older sister playing with her father.
It was one of those moments where you pause and know what life is really about.
As I stare at this precious thing in my arms, and as I rocked her to close her to eyes - out of fear she might wake up - I realize the beauty and preciousness of life.
A revelation came to me: I would do anything to protect this baby if I had to, even with my very life. Just grabbing her perfectly formed finger between my thumb and finger I could see her nail, her knuckle, and the delicate construction of her hands. The noise of beginning life mixed with slumber moved me: this is how it feels to be a father.
I smiled inside lost in my own thoughts.
I could see myself doing this: loving my baby. Holding my girl. Holding the boy I lost. A part of me wished my wife was there...she probably blink a tear or two seeing me. You could see it in my face and she would have read it: I could see you as a father.
I was lost for a few moments going back to places of 'what if's'. What if my two children were alive today? What if my father who passed away was alive to hold them?
I blinked a tear away, and suddenly realize it was hard to hold this baby that was now a mixture of wonder and deep sadness.
Sadness reminded me of my losses.
Then I realize what God must have felt. Sending his Son, so dear to him: into this world to reach out to us with a message of love. I would have done anything to protect the baby, but God would do the very opposite of sending his child with a message of love.
I shook my head, Jesus was born a baby: just like the one I held.
For a little bit, as an imperfect man I knew a little of what a friend said, "Until you become a father - there's a dimension of God's loss as a father you will never understand."
I think I understand just a little: the Wonder of it All.
Mar 17, 2010
You don't know
I think a fault of many people today, especially Christians sometimes is how we are so quick to 'pre-judge' a person.
The only person who can make an accurate evaluation is Jesus. He's God after all, but for the majority of people including myself, is we have a higher estimation of ourselves and we falter in our perceptions.
I'll never forget the story of a single Christian mother with two kids playing softball in the park.
A huge, clearly homeless man approached her quietly and asked if he can help fetch the balls hit by the woman's daughters.
Now here you can make your presuppositions. You can run, decline, or let God really tell you what to do. If I was this woman's husband, I would say, "Move the kids out and get in the car. You're alone, and this sounds really like it could be bad."
God told this mother, "Reach out." (Mind you, God's pretty spontaneous and fresh and will always give the right answer and sometimes it goes against common sense, and it's NEVER the same answer,way sometimes).
So this mother let's the stranger fetch the ball for a while. Then, the stranger asked, "Can I hit the ball?"
Ok, fetching a ball is one thing, but turning over a bat to a stranger as a single mother with your children is now really stepping out by faith. The woman prayed, and sense God wanted her to do it - even thought it went against common sense, but she felt compelled to let the man hit the ball.
The mother nervously step up to pitch the ball, and the stranger connects.
She says it went two hundred feet. She looked at the ball traveling and back at the stranger. The man smiled and asked for another ball to be pitched.
This one sails like a bat out of hell, and travels three hundred feet.
The girls are all excited - it's like a show!
The hits keeps coming and the stranger smashes each pitch like Paul Bunyan: Three hundred feet. Four hundred feet. Even one smash-hit sails like it was from a movie from the Field of Dreams or the Natural. It was surreal.
The stranger launched every ball literally out of the park as the girls runs to find the balls. Each time the mother whispers, "Amazing."
It was like a literal private home-run derby. Finally, the stranger drops the bats, smiles and softly says, "Thank you."
The woman watches him walk away and rushes to catch him, "Where did you learn to hit the ball like that?"
The stranger looks to the ground and softly says, "The Atlanta Braves."
Yes, THAT Atlanta Braves, - the professional baseball team.
You never know soemeone's story, or where they came from. Just because they act, say or look a certain way - remember there is a story to them. Maybe when you find out you don't look at the book cover, but read the book.
The only person who can make an accurate evaluation is Jesus. He's God after all, but for the majority of people including myself, is we have a higher estimation of ourselves and we falter in our perceptions.
I'll never forget the story of a single Christian mother with two kids playing softball in the park.
A huge, clearly homeless man approached her quietly and asked if he can help fetch the balls hit by the woman's daughters.
Now here you can make your presuppositions. You can run, decline, or let God really tell you what to do. If I was this woman's husband, I would say, "Move the kids out and get in the car. You're alone, and this sounds really like it could be bad."
God told this mother, "Reach out." (Mind you, God's pretty spontaneous and fresh and will always give the right answer and sometimes it goes against common sense, and it's NEVER the same answer,way sometimes).
So this mother let's the stranger fetch the ball for a while. Then, the stranger asked, "Can I hit the ball?"
Ok, fetching a ball is one thing, but turning over a bat to a stranger as a single mother with your children is now really stepping out by faith. The woman prayed, and sense God wanted her to do it - even thought it went against common sense, but she felt compelled to let the man hit the ball.
The mother nervously step up to pitch the ball, and the stranger connects.
She says it went two hundred feet. She looked at the ball traveling and back at the stranger. The man smiled and asked for another ball to be pitched.
This one sails like a bat out of hell, and travels three hundred feet.
The girls are all excited - it's like a show!
The hits keeps coming and the stranger smashes each pitch like Paul Bunyan: Three hundred feet. Four hundred feet. Even one smash-hit sails like it was from a movie from the Field of Dreams or the Natural. It was surreal.
The stranger launched every ball literally out of the park as the girls runs to find the balls. Each time the mother whispers, "Amazing."
It was like a literal private home-run derby. Finally, the stranger drops the bats, smiles and softly says, "Thank you."
The woman watches him walk away and rushes to catch him, "Where did you learn to hit the ball like that?"
The stranger looks to the ground and softly says, "The Atlanta Braves."
Yes, THAT Atlanta Braves, - the professional baseball team.
You never know soemeone's story, or where they came from. Just because they act, say or look a certain way - remember there is a story to them. Maybe when you find out you don't look at the book cover, but read the book.
Today was hard
Woke up this morning after seeing my dad.
Last night, old vacation photos popped up from May 2008 when my wife and I went out to Yosemite for our anniversary.
In the beginning shots of our trip we took an 'spur-of-the-moment' shot of us a local restaurant. That night I realized that was the last pic of my dad. I could tell from the picture his health was going down. I could see it.
Then this morning I realize the last image I have of my father was him lying in the coffin. He didn't even look like the the father I grew up, or had the facial features of the father I last saw.
The impact of that thought hit me hard this morning. I woke up with a sense of loss and during breakfast I was weeping - missing my dad.
Wished I had more pictures of him with him smiling.
The revelation at the moment was I lived like he was going to be around forever. Simon Cowell described his loss - and how difficult it was for him losing his father. Simon said, "....you think they will be around forever."
Death is unbecoming, unexpected and without compassion. It's rude. It's without remorse. It comes at the worse time.
Michele gently reminded me, "It's a year long journey of grief and maybe more."
***
The robins chirped. They knew Spring began - somehow.
And so it begins.
Mar 8, 2010
Random thoughts...
I woke up thinking of my dad this morning and it got mixed with Phil 4:8.
A book bought by a friend (thanks A!) - triggered a month-long meditation on the biblical wisdom Phil. 4:8... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
When you deal with grief and disappointment you are concern with the cycle of 'what-ifs' and 'guilt trips'. It's amazingly true what Proverbs says: "As a man thinketh in his heart...so is he."
My mind wandered about my dad - his thinking pattern was always 'serve'. He served us, his peers, his co-workers, and his family. That's the way he was wired. He never thought 'be lazy'.
My mind wandered about God's thoughts - whether you insert God into the role as a father, mother, CEO, or friend his thoughts are always True, Noble, Right, Pure, Lovely, Admirable, Excellent, and PraiseWorthy.
That means God would be the best in any role you put Him into because his thoughts are so much higher than ours.
Imagine a CEO with True thoughts - never lying, or embellishing the sale figures in a company. As a CEO - God tell his employees that He would take a pay cut of 90% and give it back to the employees - Noble! Or have Pure thoughts of taking care of the company and being socially responsible. That's just the way God's thoughts are - continually.
I think God is joyous and delightful by nature because His thoughts are always Phil. 4:8.
He's never thinking the opposite of Phil. 4:8 Lies, Un-Noble, Wrong, Vile, Ugly, Dire, Mediocre. You have to wonder when we dwell on things that are Not True, or Wrong things, or Vile that we find so many people who are depressed or discouraged.
Or to think God might think of such things towards you - which is infinitely out of His character - you think God is disappointed with you. It's amazing parents think that about their kids, but nowhere in the bible does God reveal his thoughts, "You're all a disappointing lot, and you're worthless."
Granted God is Holy so He gets angry, but can you blame Him? When we see a child killed, aren't we angry? But God never places us in the category box of 'reject'. He is Noble. He redeems us and states clearly His thoughts are for peace, prosperity and hope.
God always thinks Lovely things about us. His intentions are always Noble, Pure, Lovely and Good.
I see the wisdom of that when I think of my own father and how much I miss him. When someone dies...you see them in more clarity - and for myself I see my dad as Noble and Serving. It makes me ache because I miss that about him.
A book bought by a friend (thanks A!) - triggered a month-long meditation on the biblical wisdom Phil. 4:8... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
When you deal with grief and disappointment you are concern with the cycle of 'what-ifs' and 'guilt trips'. It's amazingly true what Proverbs says: "As a man thinketh in his heart...so is he."
My mind wandered about my dad - his thinking pattern was always 'serve'. He served us, his peers, his co-workers, and his family. That's the way he was wired. He never thought 'be lazy'.
My mind wandered about God's thoughts - whether you insert God into the role as a father, mother, CEO, or friend his thoughts are always True, Noble, Right, Pure, Lovely, Admirable, Excellent, and PraiseWorthy.
That means God would be the best in any role you put Him into because his thoughts are so much higher than ours.
Imagine a CEO with True thoughts - never lying, or embellishing the sale figures in a company. As a CEO - God tell his employees that He would take a pay cut of 90% and give it back to the employees - Noble! Or have Pure thoughts of taking care of the company and being socially responsible. That's just the way God's thoughts are - continually.
I think God is joyous and delightful by nature because His thoughts are always Phil. 4:8.
He's never thinking the opposite of Phil. 4:8 Lies, Un-Noble, Wrong, Vile, Ugly, Dire, Mediocre. You have to wonder when we dwell on things that are Not True, or Wrong things, or Vile that we find so many people who are depressed or discouraged.
Or to think God might think of such things towards you - which is infinitely out of His character - you think God is disappointed with you. It's amazing parents think that about their kids, but nowhere in the bible does God reveal his thoughts, "You're all a disappointing lot, and you're worthless."
Granted God is Holy so He gets angry, but can you blame Him? When we see a child killed, aren't we angry? But God never places us in the category box of 'reject'. He is Noble. He redeems us and states clearly His thoughts are for peace, prosperity and hope.
God always thinks Lovely things about us. His intentions are always Noble, Pure, Lovely and Good.
I see the wisdom of that when I think of my own father and how much I miss him. When someone dies...you see them in more clarity - and for myself I see my dad as Noble and Serving. It makes me ache because I miss that about him.
Mar 1, 2010
My sister
Cindy.
She did it.
My sister made me cry a bit with her about our dad having coffee.
I catch myself randomly overcome with grief. It's amazing how small reminders can trigger that.
For my sister it was as simple as shopping for coffee down the grocery aisle and she posted it to her Facebook page.
Sighs.
Dad, I miss you. I just think of all the things you did for us. I think of the effort you pulled to take us to Disneyland, Great America, Sea World and zoos. I think we take it for granted then, but we take it for granted that you pulled about 800.00 per month for a family of five. Some dads have the luxury of doing it, but you didn't. You scraped every nickel to pull of some childhood memories for us all.
We miss you.
She did it.
My sister made me cry a bit with her about our dad having coffee.
I catch myself randomly overcome with grief. It's amazing how small reminders can trigger that.
For my sister it was as simple as shopping for coffee down the grocery aisle and she posted it to her Facebook page.
Sighs.
Dad, I miss you. I just think of all the things you did for us. I think of the effort you pulled to take us to Disneyland, Great America, Sea World and zoos. I think we take it for granted then, but we take it for granted that you pulled about 800.00 per month for a family of five. Some dads have the luxury of doing it, but you didn't. You scraped every nickel to pull of some childhood memories for us all.
We miss you.
Feb 18, 2010
Dealing with grief
All my life I've exercised.
Grief robs you of routine and lately, slowly I've been getting back into it. I was just thrown off and felt lethargic.
It's a core philosophy of mine. I have to take care of this body and the American diet and sedentary lifestyle is a slow death to flab and health problems. A study reported 1 out of 6 American health care dollars is going into diet/exercise related problems that are entirely preventable.
I've found that going through an exercise routine even in grief will give your mind and feelings a break. The blood will be flowing and the endorphins are just firing and it makes a bad day a better day. For me an active, healthy life-style is just a part of me and not a 'to-do' list. It's just a part of me to be healthy and active because it's just plain good for you.
Emotionally you can drag yourself into the dumps with sugar mood swings or feel bad about your body because you're just plain out-of-shape. I've been exercising my entire life and it makes a world of difference. If you don't respect and care for your body it will come back to haunt you.
Grief by itself is a monumental process to journey, but exercising and getting your body healthy makes that journey a bit shorter. Even a short walk, or a brief fun is sufficient. For me the P90x system of video exercise by Tony Horton has been a tremendous blessing because Tony is crazy and his workouts routine are so full of variety I never get bored.
Even my wife said lately, "Honey, you look good." At least that comment alone makes me feel a bit better dealing with the loss of my father.
Grief robs you of routine and lately, slowly I've been getting back into it. I was just thrown off and felt lethargic.
It's a core philosophy of mine. I have to take care of this body and the American diet and sedentary lifestyle is a slow death to flab and health problems. A study reported 1 out of 6 American health care dollars is going into diet/exercise related problems that are entirely preventable.
I've found that going through an exercise routine even in grief will give your mind and feelings a break. The blood will be flowing and the endorphins are just firing and it makes a bad day a better day. For me an active, healthy life-style is just a part of me and not a 'to-do' list. It's just a part of me to be healthy and active because it's just plain good for you.
Emotionally you can drag yourself into the dumps with sugar mood swings or feel bad about your body because you're just plain out-of-shape. I've been exercising my entire life and it makes a world of difference. If you don't respect and care for your body it will come back to haunt you.
Grief by itself is a monumental process to journey, but exercising and getting your body healthy makes that journey a bit shorter. Even a short walk, or a brief fun is sufficient. For me the P90x system of video exercise by Tony Horton has been a tremendous blessing because Tony is crazy and his workouts routine are so full of variety I never get bored.
Even my wife said lately, "Honey, you look good." At least that comment alone makes me feel a bit better dealing with the loss of my father.
Every good father..
Each week there's a new revelation of insights into someone's inner life.
This week my sister discover a seemingly insignificant fact. The house my parents owned had a underground hand pump system to drain rain water under the house. Apparently my dad never bought a automatic pump - it was a hand pump.
I hurt a bit inside to realize an older man crawling under the house pumping water. To realize it was my father doing that stings. If my sisters and I knew we'd chip in for an automatic pump.
But before you think our dad who passed away was cheap he wasn't. Every single story of eating out, or gifts our dad would insisted on paying for everything. He never allowed his children to sacrifice for him. He had to sacrifice for us. Dad insisted on buying the candy for my sister's class. He insisted on paying the meals.
It reminds me of Peter cutting the ear off the Roman. Jesus had to heal it - there would be blood shed except His. One sacrifice would be glaringly blatant - the love of a God. The love of a Father.
For me, I realize more and more the meaning of sacrifice because my dad wasn't rich. He lived comfortably, but never an extravagant lifestyle. He was a simple man, who worked hard and loved his family.
It makes me reflect how much do those around us sacrifice for us? How much do I realize how much sacrifice was given for me?
It does bring a revelatory consideration of the amount of gratitude we must have. I find this world cynical, and afraid to be caught up in the 'I deserve this' attitude. My generation is so different from our parents where sacrifice was just a code of honor that was highly regarded.
Every good father sacrifices. I am won over and touched deeply about my father' sacrifice and the memory of it.
This week my sister discover a seemingly insignificant fact. The house my parents owned had a underground hand pump system to drain rain water under the house. Apparently my dad never bought a automatic pump - it was a hand pump.
I hurt a bit inside to realize an older man crawling under the house pumping water. To realize it was my father doing that stings. If my sisters and I knew we'd chip in for an automatic pump.
But before you think our dad who passed away was cheap he wasn't. Every single story of eating out, or gifts our dad would insisted on paying for everything. He never allowed his children to sacrifice for him. He had to sacrifice for us. Dad insisted on buying the candy for my sister's class. He insisted on paying the meals.
It reminds me of Peter cutting the ear off the Roman. Jesus had to heal it - there would be blood shed except His. One sacrifice would be glaringly blatant - the love of a God. The love of a Father.
For me, I realize more and more the meaning of sacrifice because my dad wasn't rich. He lived comfortably, but never an extravagant lifestyle. He was a simple man, who worked hard and loved his family.
It makes me reflect how much do those around us sacrifice for us? How much do I realize how much sacrifice was given for me?
It does bring a revelatory consideration of the amount of gratitude we must have. I find this world cynical, and afraid to be caught up in the 'I deserve this' attitude. My generation is so different from our parents where sacrifice was just a code of honor that was highly regarded.
Every good father sacrifices. I am won over and touched deeply about my father' sacrifice and the memory of it.
Feb 11, 2010
Comfort
My sister wrote me an email about a dream she had about our dad.
In the dream dad visited and said, “I’m doing fine up in Heaven. I’m very happy there. Don’t worry about me. I love you all.”
That was such a source of comfort.
Amazing how powerful words can be both to heal, or hurt.
In the dream dad visited and said, “I’m doing fine up in Heaven. I’m very happy there. Don’t worry about me. I love you all.”
That was such a source of comfort.
Amazing how powerful words can be both to heal, or hurt.
Feb 5, 2010
Grief
Grief.
My counselor said I should write - said it was good for me..I suppose I should listen.
I think right now, the sudden loss of my father was deeply unsettling and shocking. I talked to my dad during Christmas and a week later he was gone. To make matters worse a snowstorm held me and my wife from getting there to say goodbye in person.
I ache wanting to kiss my dad's cheek or forehead once before he left us.
A few lessons I've learned about grief.
• Grief is deeply personal and you grieve at the time when it happens. You cannot force it, and you cannot stop it. I am feeling bad I cannot weep for my father at this time, but I can't cry tears. Maybe I'm just emotionally taxed.I know there's a broken heart and there's nothing I can do about it.
• Grief is shocking. You go through denial as a built-in coping mechanism. I had to tell myself a hundred times, "My dad is gone." I couldn't believe it. Then you will go through anger, depression, and your feelings run rampant. Don't be surprised if your feelings don't align to your situation.
• Grief can consume everything. If you let it, it will consume everything like a fire. My wife was a 'one-week casualty' when my grief was so overwhelming I completely ignored her. I snapped out...still fighting my grief but recognizing I have a lovely person to take care of too.
• Grief cannot be dealt alone. You need family, friends and support. It's so earth-shaking it makes your world topsy-turvy. The conversations with friends, family and co-workers is a tremendous support.
• Grief is unexpected. No matter how 'prepare' you are - even if you know someone you love is dying - you cannot truly prepare for grief.
• Grief will touch a variety of emotions: guilt, anger, sorrow, depression, anxiety..you will not be normal for awhile. Many people have come up to me and said it takes months or even years. CS Lewis said grief in it's loss is like amputating your leg. Over time the wound heals, but the loss is always there.
When loss happens it puts life into perspective. For me so far - it makes the view of heaven sharper, but it reminds me life is so short as well.
My counselor said I should write - said it was good for me..I suppose I should listen.
I think right now, the sudden loss of my father was deeply unsettling and shocking. I talked to my dad during Christmas and a week later he was gone. To make matters worse a snowstorm held me and my wife from getting there to say goodbye in person.
I ache wanting to kiss my dad's cheek or forehead once before he left us.
A few lessons I've learned about grief.
• Grief is deeply personal and you grieve at the time when it happens. You cannot force it, and you cannot stop it. I am feeling bad I cannot weep for my father at this time, but I can't cry tears. Maybe I'm just emotionally taxed.I know there's a broken heart and there's nothing I can do about it.
• Grief is shocking. You go through denial as a built-in coping mechanism. I had to tell myself a hundred times, "My dad is gone." I couldn't believe it. Then you will go through anger, depression, and your feelings run rampant. Don't be surprised if your feelings don't align to your situation.
• Grief can consume everything. If you let it, it will consume everything like a fire. My wife was a 'one-week casualty' when my grief was so overwhelming I completely ignored her. I snapped out...still fighting my grief but recognizing I have a lovely person to take care of too.
• Grief cannot be dealt alone. You need family, friends and support. It's so earth-shaking it makes your world topsy-turvy. The conversations with friends, family and co-workers is a tremendous support.
• Grief is unexpected. No matter how 'prepare' you are - even if you know someone you love is dying - you cannot truly prepare for grief.
• Grief will touch a variety of emotions: guilt, anger, sorrow, depression, anxiety..you will not be normal for awhile. Many people have come up to me and said it takes months or even years. CS Lewis said grief in it's loss is like amputating your leg. Over time the wound heals, but the loss is always there.
When loss happens it puts life into perspective. For me so far - it makes the view of heaven sharper, but it reminds me life is so short as well.
Jan 28, 2010
Your father, mother, brother, and lover
My parents have been married for 45 years and that’s a long time. My mom had a rough childhood. She spilled it out when I was in California for the first week before the funeral and I was deeply sadden hearing the childhood of my mother.
I tell you that because of what my dad said to my mom after finding about her pain.
When my dad married my mom, he knew of her past and said, “I will be your true father, mother, brother, and lover.”
I wept at that promise. There's not too many men like my dad today: a man who would see the need of his bride and be everything for her. To make up, heal and atone for some of the past - my dad would take what was empty and fill it again. He was like a painter collecting colors and re-painting a sad grey world making it new once more.
I always thought I was different from my dad - I thought my dad was those silent type - working hard, quiet and deeply personal contrast that with me: outgoing, talkative and openly affectionate.
As a child I didn't recall too many times seeing my parents show affection, but it wasn't until dad passed away that I heard about the first love letters between my father and mother. My mother found it in a wooden box - the letters were yellowed and tattered. My father kept those letters for over forty years. Apparently he was the romantic. I couldn't read it because it was written in Chinese, but holding those letters my eyes welled up with tears - the heart of my dad was inked on the pages
I held the letters, but he was gone. There's so much more to the depth of this man that I never knew - he shared a commitment and love for my mother that was to a degree I was about to explore as a husband to my wife.
My mother reminded me, "Honor your father's memory by loving your wife."
I tell you that because of what my dad said to my mom after finding about her pain.
When my dad married my mom, he knew of her past and said, “I will be your true father, mother, brother, and lover.”
I wept at that promise. There's not too many men like my dad today: a man who would see the need of his bride and be everything for her. To make up, heal and atone for some of the past - my dad would take what was empty and fill it again. He was like a painter collecting colors and re-painting a sad grey world making it new once more.
I always thought I was different from my dad - I thought my dad was those silent type - working hard, quiet and deeply personal contrast that with me: outgoing, talkative and openly affectionate.
As a child I didn't recall too many times seeing my parents show affection, but it wasn't until dad passed away that I heard about the first love letters between my father and mother. My mother found it in a wooden box - the letters were yellowed and tattered. My father kept those letters for over forty years. Apparently he was the romantic. I couldn't read it because it was written in Chinese, but holding those letters my eyes welled up with tears - the heart of my dad was inked on the pages
I held the letters, but he was gone. There's so much more to the depth of this man that I never knew - he shared a commitment and love for my mother that was to a degree I was about to explore as a husband to my wife.
My mother reminded me, "Honor your father's memory by loving your wife."
Jan 11, 2010
...sighs
During the funeral planning, my wife came up to me in tears and told me we lost a son.
We would have had a boy. A boy that would have brought a lot of tears and happiness to my dad. I so wanted to place my son into his lap and let my baby gaze at his grandfather. Now, both are gone.
It's just another piece of the puzzle that dropped into a cloudy picture.
Man, it's heavy - lose a girl, a boy, and now a father.
We would have had a boy. A boy that would have brought a lot of tears and happiness to my dad. I so wanted to place my son into his lap and let my baby gaze at his grandfather. Now, both are gone.
It's just another piece of the puzzle that dropped into a cloudy picture.
Man, it's heavy - lose a girl, a boy, and now a father.
Jan 9, 2010
...say what you can
This is much harder than I ever imagined.
...please do say the things to appreciate your parents while they are live.
My deepest desires is one more minute.
One more minute to say, "I love you so much, and I'm so proud to be your son."
One more minute to embrace him, "You'll always be my first hero."
One more minute to say, "You were a good father."
***
We really don't say "I love you" to to those around us enough.
Strangely, how God says it a lot and we're so far like Him with our clouded views of one another.
***
I love you.
...please do say the things to appreciate your parents while they are live.
My deepest desires is one more minute.
One more minute to say, "I love you so much, and I'm so proud to be your son."
One more minute to embrace him, "You'll always be my first hero."
One more minute to say, "You were a good father."
***
We really don't say "I love you" to to those around us enough.
Strangely, how God says it a lot and we're so far like Him with our clouded views of one another.
***
I love you.
Since some have asked....
FRANK H. H. WONG
Memorial service of a beloved father, husband and American
Friday Evening: January 15th
Viewing at Price Funeral Home
Price Funeral Home
6335 Sunrise Boulevard
Citrus Heights, CA 95610-5999
(916) 725-2109
Saturday 10am: January 16th
Price Funeral Home
6335 Sunrise Boulevard
Citrus Heights, CA 95610-5999
(916) 725-2109
After Service -
Grave site 11:30am
Luncheon
Grace Bible Church -
6724 Palm Avenue, Fair Oaks, CA
(916) 967-3915
Memorial service of a beloved father, husband and American
Friday Evening: January 15th
Viewing at Price Funeral Home
Price Funeral Home
6335 Sunrise Boulevard
Citrus Heights, CA 95610-5999
(916) 725-2109
Saturday 10am: January 16th
Price Funeral Home
6335 Sunrise Boulevard
Citrus Heights, CA 95610-5999
(916) 725-2109
After Service -
Grave site 11:30am
Luncheon
Grace Bible Church -
6724 Palm Avenue, Fair Oaks, CA
(916) 967-3915
Jan 6, 2010
My dad's sacrifices
I woke overcome with grief. Didn't cry last night trying to get a flight out, but flights are all booked out on Southwest, and there's a snowstorm rolling in the middle of the week.
My father died before I could reach him.
I look back at my father's life, though a private man, he was one who truly 'squeezed out every resource' he had.
• I remember as a teenager I would be embarassed walking with my dad because he never bought new clothes for himself simply because he didn't have a 'dad budget' because he had three kids. My dad had a pair of jeans hanging on his closet that he wore for over twenty years. It wasn't designer jeans, it was KMART. It had specks of white paint from old house projects.
Now as I look back he sacrificed everything for his family and he didn't care how people looked at him. I'm sure he was hurt by the snide comments, but my dad never whined about not having enough money, or being a victim.
• Even on our trip out he was giving us money to fly out and fly back, even when we had money to cover. He was giving generous amounts - saving every bit to give to his children. Now as I look back my dad scraped every penny as a janitor, but gave with a millionaire's hand. Michele and I were astounded by his giving during Christmas.
• I remember as a kid whining about toys I didn't get not realizing my dad had a monthly take home pay of $700.00 per month for a family of five. Somehow, my dad was able to pull out toys still and as a child I never missed a thing.
• My dad didn't say much but he would watch the Billy Graham crusade, which gave me a spiritual jump in life. I didn't know my father's faith, but he watched Billy preach a lot and as I look back that was truly something he passed on that will last forever.
I miss him so much now, but I believe I'll see my dad again. This life that is visible isn't the end.
Whatever perspectives we may have of our parents, the moment they leave when you recount their lives you will regret moments of not acknowledging them for what they are and were. I'm grateful I have a wedding album of my father smiling at my wedding - it was the response to my thankfulness for him. His eyes were beaming with pride and joy. He never looked happier.
My father died before I could reach him.
I look back at my father's life, though a private man, he was one who truly 'squeezed out every resource' he had.
• I remember as a teenager I would be embarassed walking with my dad because he never bought new clothes for himself simply because he didn't have a 'dad budget' because he had three kids. My dad had a pair of jeans hanging on his closet that he wore for over twenty years. It wasn't designer jeans, it was KMART. It had specks of white paint from old house projects.
Now as I look back he sacrificed everything for his family and he didn't care how people looked at him. I'm sure he was hurt by the snide comments, but my dad never whined about not having enough money, or being a victim.
• Even on our trip out he was giving us money to fly out and fly back, even when we had money to cover. He was giving generous amounts - saving every bit to give to his children. Now as I look back my dad scraped every penny as a janitor, but gave with a millionaire's hand. Michele and I were astounded by his giving during Christmas.
• I remember as a kid whining about toys I didn't get not realizing my dad had a monthly take home pay of $700.00 per month for a family of five. Somehow, my dad was able to pull out toys still and as a child I never missed a thing.
• My dad didn't say much but he would watch the Billy Graham crusade, which gave me a spiritual jump in life. I didn't know my father's faith, but he watched Billy preach a lot and as I look back that was truly something he passed on that will last forever.
I miss him so much now, but I believe I'll see my dad again. This life that is visible isn't the end.
Whatever perspectives we may have of our parents, the moment they leave when you recount their lives you will regret moments of not acknowledging them for what they are and were. I'm grateful I have a wedding album of my father smiling at my wedding - it was the response to my thankfulness for him. His eyes were beaming with pride and joy. He never looked happier.
Jan 5, 2010
My dad
I am reminded of the sincerity of my father. I never doubted he always had the best intentions for his children. He was a private man named after Frank Sinatra and I remembered my dad had the coolest hair-do. Sort of that 1950's greased hair look with a very good hairline. Suave!
Even more impressive: he immigrated at 16 by himself to come to America. I remembered him telling a little bit of his childhood and how he ran away from the ravages of war and communism. My dad thought America was like Snapple, "The Best Stuff on Earth". It was truly the American dream for him. At 16, with no education he enrolled in school, got a job, worked his tail off and bought a house free and clear. Quite a simple life, but a productive one: three kids, college educated with good perspectives my dad had a lot to be proud of. Every time he bought a car it was cash. He had a simple investment principle for me: 70/30. What you make save 70% and spend 30% on whatever you wish.
That always didn't work out: my dad bought his share of American cars that made Americana wince: a pink Cadillac, a green Pinto, a lime-green Nova, and white Buick Skylark. He finally had enough of America's awkward years of cars and settled on a Toyota Camry. He never had any problems with the Camry, but my dad was still full of nostalgia towards American cars, especially Cadillacs - I think I would have loved to see him driving a Caddy.
As a husband my dad treated my mother well. They had their moments of debates, but he was faithful and devoted to her.
He wasn't the romantic, but I never doubted his love for my mom. Never did I see my dad raise a hand to my mom and he always warned me, "Never disrespect another man's daughter."
As a father one memory of my dad struck me: I was a bad kid, and did something wrong one evening (which in my youth wasn't a surprise- I think my parents thought I came from the devil's lair). I would lie, cheat, steal and did everything I could to get whatever I want.
One evening on a summer day, I was disciplined and walked to my room sulking and sat by my window still staring at the house's backyard. I was moping, but confused my dad would discipline me. The anger, hurt of disappointment painted in his eyes made me sad I retreated to my bedroom. I think my dad thought I spent too much time by myself and he walked in and sat next to me. In that day, my dad had the biceps and he looked big compared to me as a child. He spoke softly to me, "You know why I disciplined you? It's not because I'm angry with you, I love you."
I sat silently and my father spoke, "...were you right in this?" I shook my head, I knew I was wrong.
Then he wrapped his arms around me, "The discipline was THEN, and now it's past. I still love you." He ran his fingers through my dark black hair, and smiled.
That was my dad. Simple old-fashioned values.
My love for America came from my dad bleeding 'red, white and blue'. He knew what living without freedom meant and he always said, "America is not perfect, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else."
He adapted quickly to American culture: we watched the Celtics and 49ers (ironic considering we were Californians). To this day, my friends are absolutely bewildered why I watch the Celtics. My dad loved rooting against the Lakers - imagine that!
My constant enthusiasm for this country was from my dad. My dad's work ethic made an impression on me, but the man I am today is because of my dad. My dad's values were of a nobler age.
I love you dad, you will be missed. If anything I regret: I wish I could have placed a grandson into your lap and look into your eyes and say, "Don't worry, the Wong sonship line will continue...even with Celtic pride."
Even more impressive: he immigrated at 16 by himself to come to America. I remembered him telling a little bit of his childhood and how he ran away from the ravages of war and communism. My dad thought America was like Snapple, "The Best Stuff on Earth". It was truly the American dream for him. At 16, with no education he enrolled in school, got a job, worked his tail off and bought a house free and clear. Quite a simple life, but a productive one: three kids, college educated with good perspectives my dad had a lot to be proud of. Every time he bought a car it was cash. He had a simple investment principle for me: 70/30. What you make save 70% and spend 30% on whatever you wish.
That always didn't work out: my dad bought his share of American cars that made Americana wince: a pink Cadillac, a green Pinto, a lime-green Nova, and white Buick Skylark. He finally had enough of America's awkward years of cars and settled on a Toyota Camry. He never had any problems with the Camry, but my dad was still full of nostalgia towards American cars, especially Cadillacs - I think I would have loved to see him driving a Caddy.
As a husband my dad treated my mother well. They had their moments of debates, but he was faithful and devoted to her.
He wasn't the romantic, but I never doubted his love for my mom. Never did I see my dad raise a hand to my mom and he always warned me, "Never disrespect another man's daughter."
As a father one memory of my dad struck me: I was a bad kid, and did something wrong one evening (which in my youth wasn't a surprise- I think my parents thought I came from the devil's lair). I would lie, cheat, steal and did everything I could to get whatever I want.
One evening on a summer day, I was disciplined and walked to my room sulking and sat by my window still staring at the house's backyard. I was moping, but confused my dad would discipline me. The anger, hurt of disappointment painted in his eyes made me sad I retreated to my bedroom. I think my dad thought I spent too much time by myself and he walked in and sat next to me. In that day, my dad had the biceps and he looked big compared to me as a child. He spoke softly to me, "You know why I disciplined you? It's not because I'm angry with you, I love you."
I sat silently and my father spoke, "...were you right in this?" I shook my head, I knew I was wrong.
Then he wrapped his arms around me, "The discipline was THEN, and now it's past. I still love you." He ran his fingers through my dark black hair, and smiled.
That was my dad. Simple old-fashioned values.
My love for America came from my dad bleeding 'red, white and blue'. He knew what living without freedom meant and he always said, "America is not perfect, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else."
He adapted quickly to American culture: we watched the Celtics and 49ers (ironic considering we were Californians). To this day, my friends are absolutely bewildered why I watch the Celtics. My dad loved rooting against the Lakers - imagine that!
My constant enthusiasm for this country was from my dad. My dad's work ethic made an impression on me, but the man I am today is because of my dad. My dad's values were of a nobler age.
I love you dad, you will be missed. If anything I regret: I wish I could have placed a grandson into your lap and look into your eyes and say, "Don't worry, the Wong sonship line will continue...even with Celtic pride."
2009 - a very rough year
Some people asked me, ' Why do you believe in God?'.
Because deep down I know there's more to life than the grave, or sorrow. It's simply not NATURAL.
If death was 'natural' and an accepted fate - we would never sorrow. It's just part of life like gravity, right?
Sorrows are always accompanied by, "It shouldn't be like this.." or some debate against the reality of it. I cannot accept death of a baby or the tragic death of young life cut short because that's the way the 'dice rolls'.
The diced rolled in my table and I don't like it.
For me, 2009 was a year of sorrows.
I almost lost my wife, we lost two pregnancies and following the last loss - we spent Thanksgiving holiday in the hospital. The day we found out we lost our baby, while we were delivering soup to a sick family we got hit by a hit-and-run driver. (We made soup as a distraction to keep busy with the loss our child.)
I thought I would close 2009 with a renewed expectation of hope, but instead I am waiting on my dad's surgery. He had a stroke and then recovered and later this afternoon was rushed to an emergency eight hour surgery unexpectedly.
I am confronting fears, anxieties I never thought I would face. I know God never said, "Let me in and troubles will never come." but I never thought I would face this much in one year. I am blessed by the grace of God through my church family and my wife. The prayers and support of people are the only thing keeping me. Even as a I write this there's a peace that surpasses my understanding because of a hidden spiritual dimension force.
I write this for my family, and my future children. Troubles will come. This life will cause grief and challenges.
But there is hope. The hope one day sorrows will be erased and tears will be dried. It's an expectation I look forward to one day. I know there's a heaven because I cannot accept death as 'that's the way it is'. That's why we fight to stay alive, it's unnatural.
One day I will rise again and I will greet my two children of 2009.
Because deep down I know there's more to life than the grave, or sorrow. It's simply not NATURAL.
If death was 'natural' and an accepted fate - we would never sorrow. It's just part of life like gravity, right?
Sorrows are always accompanied by, "It shouldn't be like this.." or some debate against the reality of it. I cannot accept death of a baby or the tragic death of young life cut short because that's the way the 'dice rolls'.
The diced rolled in my table and I don't like it.
For me, 2009 was a year of sorrows.
I almost lost my wife, we lost two pregnancies and following the last loss - we spent Thanksgiving holiday in the hospital. The day we found out we lost our baby, while we were delivering soup to a sick family we got hit by a hit-and-run driver. (We made soup as a distraction to keep busy with the loss our child.)
I thought I would close 2009 with a renewed expectation of hope, but instead I am waiting on my dad's surgery. He had a stroke and then recovered and later this afternoon was rushed to an emergency eight hour surgery unexpectedly.
I am confronting fears, anxieties I never thought I would face. I know God never said, "Let me in and troubles will never come." but I never thought I would face this much in one year. I am blessed by the grace of God through my church family and my wife. The prayers and support of people are the only thing keeping me. Even as a I write this there's a peace that surpasses my understanding because of a hidden spiritual dimension force.
I write this for my family, and my future children. Troubles will come. This life will cause grief and challenges.
But there is hope. The hope one day sorrows will be erased and tears will be dried. It's an expectation I look forward to one day. I know there's a heaven because I cannot accept death as 'that's the way it is'. That's why we fight to stay alive, it's unnatural.
One day I will rise again and I will greet my two children of 2009.