Following, believing, or living for God isn't easy.
But it's the only way for me.
After my second loss of my little girl, I cried quietly in my heart. Then a third time again.
People say funny things when you are in grief: "I know someone who experienced 8 miscarriages."
That doesn't help, even though they mean well. It's like saying, "You're going to die within a year, but the good news is the guy next to you will die within six weeks."
Is comfort like math? Does a negative and negative make a positive?
Yet through it all I still cling to God because I've always seen life at it's end and look back at it's breadth. Death is the greatest 'speed bump' in life to make you stop, reflect, ponder and ask "What is important in life?". Money? Possessions? Peace? Freedom? Purpose?
I've worked for millionaires, and I know money isn't it. Most of the rich people I know are not happy.
I've met famous people and deep down one well known star admitted, "I'm so lonely."
Power isn't it because some of the greatest rulers after their power is gone just slinker down, enjoy their spoils and die without anyone remembering them too much. Heard of ruler of Mongolia? Khan? Super-bad dude you won't want to mess with, but does anyone remember what he did?
For me, I don't believe in the 'big bang' and that we are here randomly, because if you believe that then the death of my child means nothing. It's just the 'odds'. If you were my friend you know you cannot cling to that premise and comfort me because life is 'random' and without purpose and is part of the natural cycle. That's a cruel presupposition to base your life on, and granted it may have some merit in a scientific hypothesis, but in life - you run into problems.
The thing about death that makes me ponder so much is that deep within the core of a person after a loss is you go through so many valleys and ultimately you cry, "This isn't fair." or "This is NOT the end." Death can be an end when you're tired and you just want rest, but for a father expecting to hug, hold, kiss his little girl - you cannot argue around it: this isn't how we were meant to live. Life was never intended to be so cruel.
When death comes in it's most tragic entrance into a situation it's just numbing. No one knows what to say because no one can comprehend what's beyond the grave. That's why you don't find the atheist, the scientist, the Republican, or whoever saying much - because how can people comfort you when they don't know the end of their existence one day?
Even the Christian cannot say without absolute doubt what's 'around the corner'. You must simply believe by faith. Why is that so hard - you have people who believe there's galaxy out there, but personally haven't seen it, but you believe it.
However, with four losses in in about 18 months I can say I believe in the after life more than ever.
It's not a 'wishful' hope that I will be reunited with my children, but the pain tells me I'm alive and that all of us were not meant live life this way. It has to end somewhere.
Not the end of suffering, questioning or doubt for me, but for those around me.
I'm not the only one who experiences loss, and for me personally I simply believe for all people from every nation that there is a place, and hope for them. For me personally, I have been experiencing a peace, strength that is beyond my comprehension.
Yes, even in my situation I see people and they have a story too, and one day they will experience a loss too and it pains me to know that.